Ex Factor
by PiscesChikk
Summary: After a bad break up, John and Joss have to try to pick up the pieces. (This is a repost of the story posted before. Not a new story.)
1. Chapter 1

"Carter, are you here yet?"

She smiled wide, causing her face to light up, and the apples of her cheeks appeared. She moved her hair to the side, and tapped the earpiece in her ear, and looked around the entrance of Marwinn Towers, the luxury hotel in downtown Manhattan. She walked into the lobby passing through a sea of people who had come to attend the 21'st Annual Starling Ball, a charity event put on by the owner of the hotel chain. It was just past 8pm, and the crowd was thick.

There seemed to be hundreds of people there, all famous, all very affluent, all very high profile. They had to be, at $10,000 a plate. It was pocket change to them, really. They were there to spend money, mingle with present contacts, seek out future ones, and get their picture taken at one of the most high profile events of the year. The air was full of energy.

There was a lot of press at this event. A few people stood outside having their picture taken, interviews were going on, and she listened to the snippets of conversations around her. Dresses were being admired, lots of bright blues, high yellows, and sizzling red colours blazed for all to see. Ladies stood tall in high heels with matching handbags and clutches, and men not to be outdone, were wearing tuxes fresh from Armani. She was glad to be a part of this event, even if she had been invited at the last minute. Her 'date' for the evening had just enquired about her arrival.

Reese's voice was clear in her ear, and her smile turned a bit lecherous for a moment at the sound of it. She was used to talking to him all the time, but the ear piece provided such clarity, she couldn't deny the appeal of his low tone in her ear right now. It sounded like he was right beside her.

"Yes, I just got here. Walking in the lobby as we speak. Where are you?" she asked, and looked around for him. She stood about twenty feet from the entrance when she noticed him walking towards her on her left. She turned to face him, trying to keep her gaze cool as she took in the sight of him.

He was dressed in a perfectly tailored tux and tie. It accentuated his waist, broad shoulders, and long legs perfectly. All black of course as usual, or was it deep gunmetal tonight? She couldn't tell at first, but she knew she'd never seen him look more handsome. He'd just gotten a haircut, and was freshly shaven, the usual stubble was gone. Admittedly she missed it, but she appreciated this look on him. He looked every bit the Asset Manager he was pretending to be tonight. He looked like he stepped out of the pages of GQ Magazine, she thought, and he was quite aware of how good he looked. There was an extra air of confidence in his step. If that was even possible, she mused.

She cocked her head to the side as he studied her in kind. She had had a dress tailored for her as well, with no cost to her. She had just been told where to go, and within two days her entire outfit had been ready. She assumed he paid for it, and he had good taste. It was a strapless black gown with a V neckline that plunged almost to her waist, and was secured by heavy banding. The fabric was very fluid, and the bottom of the dress flowed when she moved. The hemline fell just below her ankles, and she wore black peep toe five inch heels. Normally she wore low work shoes, but in her current foot wear, she caught John all the way past his shoulders.

"Do I pass inspection?" she asked, smiling as he held out his arm, which she took looping her own with his. His appraisal was done.

"I was about to ask you the same thing, Detective. You were staring so long; I was going to suggest you take a picture," he replied, not answering her question. He offered her a disarming smile.

"Shall we go?"

"Yes, let's go smart ass."

"Since I assume both of you are done admiring each other, let's get to the matter at hand." They both heard Finch's voice in their ears, and walked towards the entrance of the grand ballroom. Reese produced two tickets, and they gained entry to the gala.

The room was packed with a head table set up straight to the front. Hundreds of other tables were set up with crisp linen table cloths, and high centre pieces. Most of the tables were already occupied, and the party was in full swing. The host was droning on about a big sponsor of the event, while a slide show had just begun playing.

Reese and Carter made their way to a table, and he pulled out her chair for her. His hand grazed her back as they settled at the table. His light touch didn't go unnoticed, and she stared at his profile as he sat beside her.

They were seated beside two other couples; a plastic surgeon and his wife, and the owner of a real estate firm, and his wife, who was an attorney in Long Island. Carter smiled as Reese made introductions. He introduced her as his wife _Camille, _and she briefly thought of their tiny squabble over the name he picked.

"_**Do I look like my name's Camille?" she'd asked. "I have a 67 year old aunt named Camille. She walks with a limp, and she's extremely ornery, John." **_

"_**I happen to think that Camille is a very nice name," he said with amusement at the fire in her eyes. **_

"_**I'm sure you do," she retorted. **_

He'd rolled his eyes at her, and threatened to spend the night calling her Millie if she didn't stop complaining. It earned him a searing look from her, but he wouldn't back down, and in the end she acquiesced.

A waiter walked over to the table, pouring two glasses of champagne for them. Carter looked up and saw that their waiter was none other than Finch, and he looked rather handsome in his gray waistcoat tonight. She smiled, and said thank you, sipping on her glass as he moved to another table.

"Jack of all trades I see. He never ceases to surprise me," she said to Reese, who wore a strange smile on his face.

Reese moved his chair a little closer to hers, and he leaned in closer to her.

"The real estate guy is the mark," he whispered in her ear, and she waited a few moments before she let her eyes flicker over him for a minute. He was white, looked to be in his fifties, his hair was dark, but his beard and moustache were peppered with gray. He seemed like the most mild mannered person in the room.

"Who in the world would wanna kill him?" she asked, and turned her face in Reese's direction. His face was still close to hers, and she almost ended up planting a kiss on his lips. She was a little startled, and he put a hand over hers.

"Don't be so jumpy, _Camille_. It won't do for my wife to be so uncomfortable around her husband."

"I'm not uncomfortable, I just….."

"How about you drink some more of that champagne, and just relax. Look at me and smile." She did just that, and he picked that exact moment to plant a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"Taking the husband and wife bit to another level are we?" she asked, as she sipped her champagne once more.

"Just acting as an affectionate husband would." He leaned back in his chair, and crossed his legs. Carter looked at him out of the corner of her eye, and told herself to focus. This wasn't the first time he'd asked her to accompany him on a case. On the contrary, she'd worked hundreds with him before. They'd been in close proximity before, cars, buildings, closets, this should be no different. But it felt like it was.

"Mr. Benedict just entered the room. He's moved over to the far left, Mr. Reese." She could hear Finch in her ear, his voice interrupting her thoughts. Reese was striking up a conversation with the plastic surgeon, who was boring him with a story about a recent procedure he'd just done on someone in this very room tonight. The details of the operation spilled out of his mouth as it was now evident he'd had entirely too much to drink. Some of the details revealed were past the point of propriety, but Reese humored him, and nodded so that Finch could see he'd heard his message. He squeezed Carter's hand just then, and pulled it close to his chest.

She spotted a tall blonde man, possibly in his early forties, that stood close to the head table. He looked around the room till his eyes met a tall dark haired woman who sat at a table opposite theirs. She nodded to him, and her eyes passed over everybody at Carter and Reese's table.

As the slide show finally ended, the ensemble that was playing struck up an upbeat song and a few people left their tables to go on the dance floor, including the plastic surgeon and his wife. There were a few fast numbers, and Carter laughed at what these people called dancing.

"John, the dark haired lady in the red opposite us….." she said.

"I see her."

"She's up to something."

"Good eye, _Millie,_" he teased, and she glared at him. "Glad you came along."

"You mean you're glad I had nothing else to do despite the short notice you gave me?" she joked.

"Something like that."

"Her friend near the front is waiting to make his move. You take him, I'll get her."

"Glad we're on the same page."

"You two seem so happy." She heard the real estate agent's wife say watching their exchange.

"You look like you've been together forever. How long have you been married?" she asked.

Carter looked at Reese, and decided to let him answer the question, and he noted her look, happy to oblige.

"Oh we've been together for over ten years. Married for seven. Seems like just yesterday I met her, though."

"You can tell. There's something in the way you look at each other. I see a deep love there, one that's going to last a long time," she remarked, and it was then that her husband asked her to dance. The round of upbeat music was coming to a close and a slow number had just begun. Reese smiled at her comment, but said nothing in return.

Carter put a hand on Reese's shoulder, glad that their act had been convincing all evening. They'd played the part of an affectionate couple well, even their fellow dinner guests were fooled.

"Do you wanna go for a spin?" he asked, nodding his head toward the dance floor.

"Sure, why not?"

He got up, and pulled her chair out a bit, and took her hand. Carter felt a little light headed as they walked onto the dance floor, and his fingers splayed across the bare skin of her back felt good. With her body so close to his, her arms around his shoulder and his fingers twined with hers Carter became very aware of the man before her.

"I didn't answer your question earlier," he said.

"What was that?"

"Whether or not you passed inspection. You look absolutely stunning tonight, Joss."

She smiled, a blush creeping to her cheeks. "Thank you. I didn't tell you how beautiful you look tonight," she replied.

"Hard to reconcile this version of you with the uptight, by the book Detective you are the other 364 days of the year."

"You of all people should know, you never judge a book by its cover. Besides I've told you before, I got my own bag of tricks. I can be just as feminine as the next woman. Maybe even more."

"Well you've made a believer out of me, I'll tell you that."

"What happened to your other 'date'?"

"She had a business deal come through at the last minute."

"And you ended up calling on me. Anyone I know?" she wondered just who his other option was. And she was surprised that for some reason it actually mattered to her.

He seemed to hesitate before he responded. "My _other wife, _you two met briefly."

Carter remembered the brief exchange, when the brunette had introduced herself as his wife. He had conveniently not said who she was when they'd met outside the apartment high rise that night, and she guessed she felt stung by that. She admitted she'd wondered just who she was, but after that night, he'd never mentioned her again.

"Ah, Zoe, wasn't it?"

"Correct."

"Not surprised the _union _didn't last."

"No? Why is that?" he asked, as she shook her head.

"She didn't look like she'd be able to handle a man like you." He seemed fascinated by that answer, and he turned his full gaze on her looking into her eyes.

"A man like me?"

"Yes. Let's just say, I think it takes a certain kind of woman to deal with a man of your nature."'

She moved her arm over his shoulders and back almost absently, like it was the most natural thing in the world to do. She was enjoying this dance, she thought to herself. So much that she hadn't noticed the song had already changed, and something else was playing. She moved in step with him, their bodies creating their own rhythm as they danced. His hands moved a little lower, and rested on the small of her back.

She started to get a little lost in his eyes, which were now a very intense blue.

"Don't stop now; I'm dying to hear what type of woman you think can handle me."

With his hips and pelvis pressed up against hers, Carter felt the slight, but distinct feel of him against her. The faint beginnings of an erection. It gave her some small sense of satisfaction that he was as affected by her as she was by him. Her lips parted, and she looked at him. He blinked, and his lashes briefly fanned along his cheeks.

"Why I thought the answer was obvious, John," she said softly. She felt his hand leave her waist then, and his fingers lightly touched the back of her neck. They were in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by people, but everyone disappeared for just a moment.

They were lost together, the music had faded and they were all alone.

"Mr. Benedict has moved to the exit. He's following the husband. Mr. Reese you might wanna go after him." Finch's voice successfully broke the spell.

The moment interrupted, and Carter noticed that the dark haired beauty had also disappeared to the side entrance, possibly pursuing the wife.

"I'll go get her," she said to Reese, and he went to chase the blonde man.

She shook off her present feelings of attraction, and willed her mindset back into Detective mode. She reached into the split of the dress, and retrieved the firearm that was strapped to her leg. She slowly followed the woman in red to the ladies' restroom down the hall. She heard voices, then she heard a slight scuffle, and opened the door just in time to see her in the process of putting cable ties around the wife's wrists.

"NYPD! Drop it!" she said, noting the firearm in her hand. Taken by surprise the dark haired beauty spun round quickly, intending to fire a shot at Carter, but she stepped out of the way, the bullet hitting the tile in the wall, and she quickly disarmed her, pushing her up against the sink.

"Oh my God," she heard the wife scream in the back of her. She grabbed the cuffs she'd had hidden, and put them on the struggling brunette.

"It's okay. Everything's gonna be fine." She touched her earpiece. "Finch, I've got the girl. How's our friend doing?"

"He seems to be…wrapping up the situation …right about now."

She smiled. "Great. I'll call it in."

* * *

Reese watched as the last police cruiser left the building, and disappeared down the street. The blonde, would-be killer was handcuffed, and sitting tight in the back seat. He watched as Carter finished a conversation with Fusco before he walked off, and got into his unmarked vehicle.

The weather outside had suddenly changed, and it had gotten colder. A flurry of snow started to coat the ground and vehicles outside. A light breeze picked up, blowing the curly tendrils of hair across Carter's shoulders. Fusco stuck his head out the driver's window at the last minute, shouting something to her, and she laughed at whatever it was he said. Her eyes lit up, and the sound of her throaty laughter drifted to his ears.

He was glad he'd asked her to accompany him tonight. He liked having her by his side; he always liked working with her. She got him, she got the job, and she liked the chase just as much as he did. She felt the same excitement pumping in her blood, and she felt the same satisfaction at the end of it all.

He'd never worked with her like this though. Never seen her like this. It was always the front seat of his car on a stake out, or her saving his hide from a burning car. Or it was him shooting someone who was trying to kill her. But he'd never seen her dressed to the nines, hair done up, and wearing high heels that made her look like the tallest woman in the room. He'd never been treated to the sight of her smooth skin, never seen it. And it took every bit of his CIA training to pretend that he was immune to the gorgeous sight of her.

But he wasn't. And the clothes made no difference. He hadn't been immune to her for a long time now. The kiss at the corner of her mouth, his hand on hers, and the closeness of them dancing tonight, had almost been his undoing. He'd gotten lost in her brown eyes for a moment and it had taken Finch's voice in his ear to bring them both back to reality.

And now, she was walking towards him, her hands moving over her bare arms because of the cold.

"I didn't bring a coat. Wasn't expecting it to get cold," she said, as she approached him.

"Here," he said. "Take my jacket. It'll warm you up." His eyes didn't leave hers as he removed it, until he walked behind her settling it on her shoulders. His hands remained there for a bit, and he moved her hair to the side.

"Come on, I'll take you home," he passed his ticket to the valet who went to get his car.

She looked at her watch, checking the time. "It's just past 11, a bit early to be going home already on a Saturday night," she said.

"What'd you have in mind?"

"How about a drink, something a little stronger than champagne? I'll buy the first round."

He hesitated, knowing what drinks could lead to. He wondered if she was ready to head in that direction. But he was still so curious about her and this seemed a rare opportunity.

"…that is unless you had something, or someone else in mind." The valet pulled up and he opened the door for her before he sat down in the driver's seat.

"Not at all. Drinks it is and I have the perfect place in mind."

He drove to the 'perfect place'. '_**Stacy's'**_; a lounge located in the hubbub of downtown Manhattan, a few blocks from the hotel. It was cozy, intimate, and had dim lighting, and a good atmosphere. There was a good amount of people there, a mature crowd, and a motley of people sat enjoying the sounds of the smooth jazz band performing tonight. The female singer crooned a romantic tune, and they were led to a cozy spot near the back. Reese had asked for a secluded booth.

A few moments later, Reese had a glass cradled in his hand; his bow tie was loose, and hung around his neck. He was laughing at something Carter had said, and he couldn't help but enjoy her company.

A few more drinks, and an hour later had loosened both of them up, and Carter was leaning against the cushioned high back of the booth. She leaned to the side of the arm handle, and her eyes were closed.

"You never did answer my question about moving on, you know. I never forgot."

He remembered that night, and she was right, he hadn't answered. Afterwards he thought about his answer, and what it could be. He still wasn't sure.

"I don't know Carter, didn't think the answer was all that important."

"I'm just curious. I mean you mentioned your _other wife _tonight and all. It just got me kinda thinking." She opened her eyes, and sat up, resting her hands on the table. "I mean do you ever think you'll get over Jessica? It's been a while now." Her eyes were suddenly so serious.

He felt compelled to answer, he didn't know why. "I think it's entirely possible. I didn't think I was capable of…..feeling anything for anyone anymore. But…I think the right woman…if she came along…I think it is possible that that could change."

"Are you open to the right woman, John? I mean what if she was right in front of your nose? Would you recognize her? Or would you be so caught up in what you had with Jessica?"

He put his glass to his lips, emptying it, and let the warm liquid pass his throat. Liquid courage, he thought. What did he have to be afraid of around her? Nothing at all, right?

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Two simple words, and her eyebrow shot up. He'd literally just told her he was okay with her pushing the subject further.

"What about your _other wife_?"

"What about her?"

She smiled, shaking her head, and a smirk crossed his lips. "Good answer," she said. He loved the cat and mouse game they were playing. The waiter came over to ask if they wanted something else, and he ordered them another round of the same. He watched as she contemplated her next question.

_**What about you?**_ he thought.

"What about me?" she asked. "Have you ever thought about…..me?"

Many times, he wanted to say, but the waiter came back just then with their drinks. When he left, both glasses sat untouched in front of them.

"I've thought of you, sometimes….." she admitted. He was surprised at how good it felt to hear. He wondered if it was the alcohol talking, they'd both had a few. But she looked completely sober, and he only felt a slight buzz. She stared into his eyes as her hand moved across the table, and she slid one of her fingers over his.

"Joss…"

"Have you? Thought about me?"

"Yes."

Something was happening. Something had changed. In a split second. He could feel it. It was palpable. He turned around and signaled for the cheque. She watched as he paid their tab, and he helped her out of her seat.

"Come on, let's go." His hand was on the small of her back as he ushered her outside in the night air. It had gotten even colder.

They got into the car, and she said nothing, didn't question where they were going. She leaned into the leather seat in the car, and he reached across to hold her hand. Her eyes opened, and he heard a small gasp, but she let him hold it, and he felt her squeeze his hand a little. He saw her looking at him out of the corner of his eyes, and he pressed the accelerator, increasing their speed.

It wasn't long before they got to 810 Baxter Street, where he parked the car, and helped her get out. She looked around, not recognizing the neighbourhood, and she looped her arm through his, holding onto him as they both walked across the street and into his building. Their long strides sounded on the pavement.

"Where are we?" she finally asked, as they waited for the elevator.

"My place," he answered, and they walked inside the elevator as the doors opened. She leaned on the wall of the small lift, and he pressed the button for the 5th floor. As he moved closer to her, the scent of jasmine wafted into his nostrils. It was intoxicating. He felt as if he was breathing her in. He stood in front of her, pressing himself close to her, hip to hip, and his face hovered very near hers.

He let out a low growl in his throat as her hand moved to touch his. Their fingers linked together, and he pressed a light kiss to the side of her ear, and his lips lingered there. He heard her moan, and her hand moved around his waist just as he cupped the back of her neck. He crashed his lips onto hers, and felt her sharp intake of breath as he pushed his tongue against hers. She was sweet, so sweet and so soft, and he felt himself stiffen in his pants. He pressed his groin into her, and felt her hand grabbing at his butt.

He continued to claim her mouth, sucking at it, running his tongue along hers. He wanted her, so badly.

The elevator sounded, and the doors opened. He tore his lips away from hers and took her hand as they got into the hallway. He heard her breath coming faster and shorter beside him, her excitement mirrored his own. As soon as they got inside, his hands were on her again. And he moved his coat from her shoulders. He fumbled for the zipper at her back and found it, slowly pulling it down. His hands moved inside the opening at the back, and he pulled it down, letting the expensive fabric fall to the ground in a heap at her feet.

Her hands were on his back, then clawing at his buttons on his shirt, then his bandana, then his belt.

Her hands felt good on him, on his bare skin, and he moved to kiss her neck. Her skin was so soft, so beautiful, and he loved the feel of it. He put his fingers around her throat tilting her head up. She was staring intensely at him now. Her hair slightly tousled from him running his fingers through it, her lipstick slightly smeared. She never looked more beautiful he thought.

"Wait," she said. "Are we really doing this?" she asked, and he nodded.

"Yes, we are," he whispered back, and she nodded too. He lifted her up the,n and took her over to the bed. He pulled her panties down, ripping them in the process, and she raised her legs up, throwing them around his back.

They were frenzied, desiring each other, wanting, and needing each other. Reese entered her swiftly, and powerfully, not able to wait. She arched her back, moaning loudly, and he bent his head to suckle one of her nipples.

He moved slowly inside her, pushing down deeper, putting his weight behind him. Carter gasped for air feeling him move against her walls. She felt him bite down over her breast, and she sunk her nails into his back.

She pushed up to meet his thrusts as he started to move, hard, steady, deep inside her. He'd never thought in a million years she'd feel this good. She gripped him every time he moved inside her; he felt the sharp heels of her shoes digging into his back realizing that she was still wearing them. It turned him on.

His hand and fingers were at her throat again, as he pumped into her, her moans coming deeper, and louder as he ran his tongue along the bare flesh of her neck.

She was so soft inside, and he gazed into her eyes seeing such passion, fire, and tenderness there. She grabbed the back of his neck pulling his mouth to hers, and she kissed him over and over again.

He felt her tighten around his cock. He felt her walls start to vibrate, and he knew she was coming. Her fingernails were digging into his back again, and her moans echoed in the apartment.

"John…John….John…." she whispered his name over and over, and he drove himself home inside her, pumping into her steady and deep, emptying himself.

He groaned into her neck, and she rubbed her hands up and down his back. She rumbled in her throat, and kissed his cheek, his lips.

He rolled over with her still in his arms. She was a stunningly beautiful creature and there was an actual glow about her. He gazed up at her, feeling unable to speak.

Normally women were the emotional ones after sex, he thought, but right now he felt overwhelmed by the mere presence of her. He cupped her face, pressing his lips to hers. He couldn't explain the feeling of contentment that had just swept over him.

She seemed to sense that something was amiss. She rested on her forearms, looking at him. Her hair fell over her shoulders, and brushed the sides of his face.

"What is it? Are you alright?" she smiled down at him, and suddenly his heart was full.

"I love you…..Joss," he blurted it out; he couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth. But shockingly he realized it was true. He did love her, deeply.

"John…." she began.

"It's true." He had a pleading look in his eyes. He needed her to believe him, needed her to feel for him.

She nodded her head, and ran her finger over his eyebrow. "I love you too."

* * *

Declarations had been made by the two of them, everything was now out in the open, and Carter fell asleep snuggled at Reese's side, feeling peaceful and happy. She woke through the night, feeling the light touch of Reese's mouth, and tongue on her thighs.

She thought she was imagining it at first, and stirred a bit from sleep. But as her legs parted, and his wet, warm tongue slid across her clit, her eyes opened wide, and she gasped. He lightly sucked at it, circled it with his tongue, then sucked again.

"John…" she breathed his name. Apparently he wanted to kill her with pleasure before she eventually left his place. Of course, she didn't mind.

She felt him run his tongue over her folds, back and forth, before slipping it in. He seemed to let it swim inside. It touched each wall, moving in and out and across them, and she moved her hand over the back of his head.

She pushed her pelvis up, burying his face between her legs. She tingled all over. He slipped a finger inside her while sucking on her clit, and she felt herself begin to tremble. She bucked her hips squeezing her nipples, and she stuck a finger into her mouth biting down on it.

She felt weak under his expert touch.

He wouldn't let up, he wouldn't stop, his tongue moved over her with such skill. He toyed with her, his fingers moving in and out of her. He quickened the pace, and she moaned his name over and over.

"Oh John….." she said. "Oh, John, I….." she said, arching her back. His circular movements over her clit caused her to explode, and she came hard on his tongue, bucking against him, screaming.

Her thighs trembled, and he stroked them, running his hands over them. He licked at her as she rode her orgasm out, and he kissed the insides of her thighs softly. Her fingers were still in his hair, and he slowly moved upwards, kissing her Mons, her belly, the valley between her breasts, and then her neck until he was hovering over her. He kissed the sides of her mouth, her temple, and her cheeks.

Carter felt absolutely adored, worshipped, and she wrapped her arms around him. He made love to her again and again, first slowly, purposefully, and with extreme care, and tenderness. Then he took her passionately, until she felt she would pass out from the sensations that ran all through her. He took pleasure in giving her pleasure, and she felt filled to capacity with him inside her.

He finally allowed her some rest, and she slept soundly for a few hours. She woke briefly to see him fully dressed, and leaning towards her on the bed. It was after 7am, and he became the Man in a Suit once more. He reached under the sheets, cupping one of her breasts before taking it into his mouth.

She wondered if it was possible to feel more wanted as he kissed at her neck, and then her mouth.

"I have work," he said quietly. "Make yourself at home, there's food in the kitchen, eat whatever you like. Stay as long as you like."

She did nothing but murmur in response, and let her head drop lazily back onto the pillow. He playfully ran his finger along the length of her nose before kissing the tip.

"I'll call you," he said, and she watched as he walked out.

"I'll call you," she mimicked, as the door closed behind him. She chuckled, and pulled the sheet over her head. "You better call me," she said, before falling back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Everything was new, and fresh, Carter thought.

That's how she felt when she woke up a few hours later, and stretched her limbs in Reese's huge bed. She felt perfectly rested, even though she'd been up most of the night being made love to, even though she hadn't gone to bed till it was almost morning.

She lay back against the covers, thinking about the previous night. She missed his face, she missed his hands, she missed the feel of his body against her.

How did this happen? When did this happen? She knew that he'd come to mean a lot to her over the last year and a half. She guessed she didn't realize how much.

He'd told her he loved her. It was a startling revelation to be sure, but she realized she felt the same. And she hadn't been shy to say so either. She wasn't the type who was normally overemotional. Neither was he. But just like that, it felt good to be loved.

It felt good to be loved by _him_.

It had been a long time since she'd been open to love. She hadn't had time for it. She came back from Iraq and she had to adjust to being a civilian again. She had to be a single mother, and raise Taylor right. She didn't have time to date. She didn't have time for love. But like she told him that night in the car, she was ready to move on. She just didn't know she'd be moving on with him.

"With him," she said aloud. Those two words sounded like music in her ears. She got up out of the bed with the sheet still wrapped around her, and walked over to one of the tall windows. It was snowing now, and she felt the chill outside begin to creep in. She looked around for a heater and found it, turning it on. As she stood next to it, she felt the warmth as it spread about the room. It felt good.

She walked around the space, and found the kitchen. Opening the fridge, she took out some eggs, a bagel, and set them on the counter. She decided on a shower first, and braided her hair before hopping in the tub. The water felt good on her skin, and she spent almost fifteen minutes under the warm spray.

She couldn't put her dress back on, and she searched Reese's closet looking for something to wear. She switched the light on, and realized how huge it was. It was a walk in closet, and she stood facing a long wall of black suits, pants, jackets, and coats. She smiled, wondering if he even wore any other colours. She spun round to another wall with more casual shirts, jeans, pants and jackets. Most of them she'd never seen him in. There were a few other colours, some blues here and there, and she even spotted a few lilacs, and grays. She took out one of his polo shirts, and was happy to find a pair of cargo pants with a drawstring waist. It wasn't warm, but it was the only thing she could make fit somewhat.

After borrowing one of his boxers, she put on the polo shirt, and made breakfast. She sat on his sofa afterwards, sipping some coffee, when her phone rang.

She ran to get it, seeing the _Unknown Number_ showing on the caller ID.

"Carter," she answered.

"How was your sleep?"

"It was good. You have a very comfortable bed here. I could get used to this."

"Music to my ears." She heard the smile in his voice, and it brought butterflies to her stomach. She felt like a lovesick teenager.

"Thought you had work," ,he said.

"I do. But I promised you I'd call."

"And you always keep your promises."

"Are you keeping warm?" he asked.

"Heater's on. I'm good, thanks for asking." She imagined him in the cold and wondered if he had a coat. "What about you?"

"I'm managing just fine," he said. "I have to go. But I'll see you later when I'm done."

"Is that a promise?"

The smile in his voice was back again. "You know it is."

She hung up the phone, smiling, and went back to the sofa.

"Yes, I could get used to this."

Before she left, she looked for clean sheets and changed the bedding. She looked at her dress, still lying on the floor, and picked it up remembering just how it ended up there. He couldn't wait to get it off her.

She thought of her closet home, and realized she didn't have enough space for it. She took it into Reese's closet, and hung it up there next to his suits. There was much more space for it here, and she decided to leave it behind for the mean time.

She hated to leave, since it was so cozy here, not to mention warm, but she had to pick Taylor up from her mom's, and she had to make Sunday dinner soon. She left his loft a little after 2pm, wearing his clothes, a pair of his boots, and one of his coats.

She knew she looked a sight. His clothes were huge on her, but it was the best she could do. She'd go home and change before she picked Taylor up. She didn't need the inevitable questions about her outfit if she showed up at her mom's wearing what she had on. She took one final look around before locking the door, and closed it behind her.

* * *

"What are you humming about?" Carter's hands were smeared with seasonings that she was rubbing into the roast that she was preparing. She crinkled her nose at his question. She'd been distracted, and hadn't heard him come in the kitchen.

"I wasn't humming." At least she didn't think she was.

"Yes you were, for about a full minute now," he said, shaking his head. She hadn't been aware that she had been humming. She was in a good mood, felt rested and all around happy. She smiled thinking that a certain someone might have a little something to do with it. She wondered just how he was doing, and if he was through yet with the current case he was working. He hadn't called her for any help, so she assumed whatever it was, he had been able to handle on his own.

"Must be happy about something."

"Hmph, must be, Taylor baby."

"You know grandma says that Aunt Donna's coming up for Thanksgiving this year. She wants to know if she can stay here."

"She knows we don't have the space, Taylor. There are only two bedrooms in the apartment. Is she coming alone?" _Aunt Donna_ was Carter's older sister. They were only three years apart, but sometimes Donna acted like it was ten. Despite her nitpicking and always nagging Carter about not being married, or at least having a man, the sisters were close, and Carter tried to call her at least once a week.

She lived all the way in Boston with her husband David and their two boys. She was a nurse who worked at a children's hospital. The hours were long, and the job very stressful at times, but she loved her job. Donna hadn't been able to visit New York in ages, and Carter hadn't been able to get out to Boston for a while either, so she looked forward to her visit.

"No, she's bringing Stephen and James." She stopped midway through putting the roast in the crock pot.

"Is she crazy?" Stephen and James were both close in ages to Taylor, but way more rambunctious and playful. They were heavily into sports. Stephen was on the football team, and James played basketball. Donna was determined that one of them was going to play professionally. She mentally pictured them driving her crazy for their entire visit and cringed.

"She wants to bring those two in here? Nope. No can do. They can stay with mom. She has the two extra rooms."

Though she was skeptical at the idea of all the extra people in her house, she hadn't seen her sister in a while. She was almost tempted to say yes. She could probably rent a bed or two for those few days, and they could camp out in the living room. She missed the girls' nights they used to have, getting into trouble in the clubs, getting numbers from all the hot guys. That was back in the day when she had more fun, when she actually had a life.

And Thanksgiving was always a big thing in their family. A huge gathering with lots of people, and lots of food. It was a mere three weeks away, and her mom had already started talking about what she wanted to cook this year. Of course she wanted Carter to help. She'd already gone ahead and requested the time off work so she wouldn't miss the festivities.

She was sure this year would be just as eventful as it was last year.

Taylor was about to walk out the kitchen when she remembered a field trip he'd told her about.

"What about that retreat letter you brought home last week?" She cut the crock pot on, putting the roast and veggies in and set it on medium.

"Are we eating that for breakfast tomorrow morning?" he asked, pointing to the crock pot.

"What are you talking about?" she replied, washing her hands, and drying them with the dish towel.

"That roast is gonna take at least eight hours to cook."

"As a matter of fact, it is a very small roast, so it can be done in three hours or less. You think I don't know what I'm doing? Now, what about the letter you brought home last week?"

"It's a father son retreat, so I can't go." He was leaning against the kitchen counter with a look of frustration on his face. She knew it hurt not having a father in his life. He dealt with it most of the time, but whenever things like this came up, she knew it bothered him.

"Well can't I go with you? I'm sure there's no big difference."

He walked out of the kitchen, and she followed. The letter was in his drawer and he pulled it out, reading off the activities planned.

"There's archery, low ropes, high ropes, a wilderness exercise, and rafting…..which thank God is optional," he said, handing her the letter. "No offense mom, but it's been a while since you've been in the military. I don't know if your skills are up to scratch anymore. Don't worry about it; I'll just sit this one out."

"You sure it's alright?" She ignored his amusing dig at her about so called non-existent skills.

"I'm sure."

"Okay, honey."

The roast was done shortly before 8pm, and she and Taylor enjoyed one of their favourite TV shows while they ate. She loved times with him like this, bonding over a meal, watching TV, and having a laugh. He was her everything, and had been for a long time. She wanted the best for him, wanted him to have a better life than she did.

She was glad he wasn't interested in joining the military. Although it was a good opportunity to work for the government and get money for school, she didn't want him to see some of the things she did when she was deployed.

She wanted him to pursue something in the academic field, and she was glad he was interested in science and math. He was very good at it, and since he'd gotten into Marberry High, and gotten the scholarship, he'd been doing very well. He wasn't entirely sure just what he wanted to do, or where he wanted to go to college, but he was definitely interested in pursuing a higher education. She was so proud of him.

In her line of work, she was so used to seeing young men who had no ambition, no drive, and no support system. They ended up being thieves, drug dealers, and worse. She was glad Taylor had a good head on his shoulders, and was headed in the right direction.

She was loading up the dishwasher as he headed to his room, and took a long look around. Just as she wanted a better education for her son, she wanted a better home. They'd been here for over five years now, and she'd been thinking lately that it was too small.

She remembered growing up having a back yard to play in. There was a swing set where she and her sister used to play. Her father had barbecues on holidays, and he would fire up the grill. Her cousins and extended family would come, and traditions of Thanksgiving dinner began. Her place was always too small for parties or get togethers. And she knew Taylor wanted to entertain friends sometimes.

She thought it'd be nice if they had somewhere he could finally do that. She wanted a home. But she wondered if she'd be able to afford one right now. True her salary wasn't much, but she guessed it didn't hurt to look and see what her options were. She felt it was something worth looking into, and decided to start looking the next day. Maybe she'd even talk to John about it, get his opinion.

She sat in the living room watching a movie that had just come on. She found herself drifting to sleep on the couch, and woke to the sound of the ending credits. It was about midnight, and she checked her phone, but there were no missed calls.

She secured the front door, double checking to make sure it was locked, and walked the length of the short hallway to her room. She sat on her bed, and slowly stripped down to her panties. She put her clothes away, and slipped under the covers. It wasn't long after her eyes were closed, that she drifted back to sleep.

* * *

2AM

Reese looked at his phone as he walked down the steps of the library, and left the building. He'd left Finch wrapping up the last details of their case today, and Bear was happily eating a late night snack.

He was tired. He was a little hungry, and he wanted some rest. But he wanted to see Carter, even if only to say goodnight.

It had been a long day, full of mostly surveillance, phone cloning, and digging up information on the new number. For the most part she was quiet, lived alone, and had a boring job at the New York Public library.

He hadn't found any threat to her, and he couldn't figure out with what little they knew, if she was a perpetrator.

Right now she was asleep at home, so he decided to call it a night. He drove over to Carter's address, and a lazy smile crossed his lips. She'd probably hate her sleep being interrupted, but it's what he was about to do anyway.

* * *

Her phone was ringing. She was sure of it. But she was still half asleep. She turned over in the bed, and lay on her back. There it was again. She was sure she heard it ringing now.

Where was it? she thought. It took her a while to remember it was out on the table in the living room. She stumbled out of bed, walking out front to grab it and answer it, going back in the room.

"Carter," she said.

"Did I wake you?"

She smiled, hearing Reese's voice. "Its 2:15am you most certainly did." She settled back under the covers, and closed her eyes, still feeling sleepy. "Where are you?"

"Right now, outside your front door."

"Are you serious?"

"Open the front door, and see."

She threw on the terrycloth robe that hung in the back of her bedroom door, and walked back into the living room. She quietly unlocked the door, and opened it. There he was, standing on her front steps, looking up at her.

The street lights were on, and cast a soft glow on him. She could make out the faint traces of a smile on his lips.

"Hi," he said, and she could hear by the sound of his voice that he was tired. It was late after all, and he'd had an early start.

"Come in. come in," she said, stepping aside so he could walk past her. She locked the door behind him. "Taylor's asleep. Come on," she said, grabbing his hand, and led him to her bedroom. As soon as they got in, he pulled her close, kissing her. His lips were hungry, greedy, and she felt something stirring inside her as he reached down to cup her face.

She missed him, she thought. And apparently he felt the same. Her hands slipped under his coat as he pulled her closer for a hug.

"What time did you leave?"

"A little after two. Had to pick up Taylor. Had to cook dinner."

"How is he?"

"Good," she said, as he took his coat off. She took it from him and hung it in the back of the door. The sat on the bed together, and she leaned into him.

"I left my dress in your closet. I don't have the space for it here."

"What'd you wear to come home?" he asked, as he put his arm around her waist.

"Your clothes. I borrowed one of your shirts, pants…_and_ underwear."

"Shame I didn't get to see that," he said, his voice telling his fatigue more and more.

"You're tired," she said, noticing again.

"Mmmmm," he murmured.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

"A little."

"I've got leftovers if you want. I can get you something." She started to get up, but he held onto her arm pulling her back down beside him.

"Too late to eat. Just sit next to me for a bit before I leave."

She sat with him for a while, and he rested his head on hers. He was too tired to drive, and she knew he'd be asleep in a minute.

"John, take off your clothes."

"Taylor's here," he said.

"You'll just have to leave before he wakes up. But you need to rest." She got up, pulling him to his feet. She helped him out of his suit, and put his clothes on the chair by the closet.

"Admit that you just want me naked, so you can have your way with me."

"Ok you got me. I won't be able to control myself tonight. Come on."

She threw her robe off, and they slipped beneath the covers, and he pulled her close.

"It's been a while since I've had a man in this bed, let alone one who's spent the night. You should feel honoured."

"I do, and you're the first person who's ever slept over at my place too."

"We didn't do much sleeping last night."

"We didn't did we?" he asked, as she turned round to face him.

"No we didn't," she said, and put her arms around his back, kissing him. She slipped her tongue into his mouth, and started to play in the hair at the nape of his neck, but he pushed her away gently, breaking the kiss.

"What's the matter?"

"Taylor's here, Joss, remember? You can't kiss me like that if all we're going to do is sleep."

"I'm sorry."

He groaned, and she turned her back to him once more, and he pulled her close.

"This is going to be one long night." She heard him whisper, and she laughed telling him goodnight.

"Goodnight, Joss," he said, before planting a kiss on the back of her neck.

* * *

It had been almost a week, okay maybe he was exaggerating, he thought, but it had been almost five days since Carter had been at his apartment. And he missed her. They spent the next night together, and he'd quietly slipped out of her place before Taylor woke up. He'd had to exercise extreme discipline that night to keep his hands off her. It hadn't been easy. Her bare skin was touching his as she lay in his arms. She smelled so good, and thoughts of sinking himself inside her plagued his dreams the entire time.

Now, three days later, he was dying to be with her again. Oh he'd seen her, when she came to help him on a case, when she met him to give him information. He'd spoken to her on the phone. He'd been living off of calls, and stolen kisses for the last few days. And he enjoyed their phone conversations, he admitted. She told him a little more about her mother, and the fact that her sister was coming in from out of town at the end of the month for Thanksgiving. She was looking forward to the family time. He told her about a few of the places he visited while on missions with Kara, the things he'd seen, places he'd been.

Her voice was so sexy on the phone late at night after his work was done. After he was lying in bed at home, and he held the phone to his ear ,and her voice so clear on the line made him feel like she was right there next to him. On top of him, riding him, or underneath him with her legs over his back. It was enough to make him stiffen in his underwear, and he'd wrap his fingers around himself thinking of her.

He wanted her. He needed her to see her. He had to find a way. Soon.

* * *

Things had been hectic at work for both Carter and Reese. While they had been able to work his new case together, they hadn't had any time to be alone.

He made it a habit now of calling her whenever he got home at night. She started anticipating his calls, and it didn't matter that sometimes he woke her out of sleep. She was just happy to hear his voice, and happy that he just had to speak to her too.

But she found herself missing his touch; she missed the way he kissed her neck, his mouth on hers. She missed his skin underneath her hands. She missed falling asleep in his arms. She needed some time alone with him, and she hated having to stay behind at work.

She was working late tonight again, wrapping up a homicide involving a wife who'd killed her husband when she found out he was cheating. It was an open and shut case really. She'd called 911 as soon as it was done. They found her on the bed sitting next to him with the gun still in her hand. She couldn't stop from crying. She'd become so hysterical that they'd had to admit her to the hospital yesterday evening.

"See ya tomorrow, Carter," Fusco said, getting up from his desk. "Why don't you leave that paperwork till tomorrow morning? It aint going nowhere."

"Where you headed?" she asked him, as he put on his coat.

"Got a movie with my kid. First time in over a month."

"He should be excited," she said smiling. Fusco beamed whenever he talked about Lee. He genuinely loved his boy.

"He is. Go on. Get outta here. Time to go home early for a change."

She decided that he was right, but she wasn't keen on going home just yet. She called Taylor to tell him she'd be late and picked up her cell phone.

* * *

The sun had set two hours ago, and darkness started to streak across the sky. Reese made his way across the street to McKenna Park, and the lights that littered the pathway started to come on one by one. He walked to the end of the pebbled trail, and saw Carter just ahead.

She'd called him earlier and told him she needed him to meet her there.

She stood just underneath one of the lamplights, and it cast a warm glow on her. With the light breeze blowing strands of her hair across her face, she looked almost like an angel. He was getting hard. He couldn't help it, and he hoped his smile as he walked over to her wasn't too lecherous.

"You needed to see me?" He asked, and she nodded her head. Without saying a word, she pulled him close and kissed him, softly first, then passionately. She gripped the lapels of his coat, holding onto him. His hands slid around her waist, and moved up and down her back.

"John…" she whispered against his lips, before kissing him again.

He wanted her so badly. He was straining against his pants. "Joss…..your timing is just…impeccable," He said sarcastically, and his mouth descended on hers once more. He felt desire starting to overtake, and wished for the privacy of his place so he could take his time while he made love to her. She broke the kiss, taking him by the hand, and led him over to the huge greenhouse on the property.

"Joss, what are you doing?" He asked, looking around, but the place was deserted. There was no one there but them. He guessed at her intentions, and was amazed at them. "You know that we could get arrested for public indecency…." He joked, as she pulled him inside, closing the wooden door behind them. She dragged him into a corner where a whole wall panel was covered in wood slats so nobody could see them.

Her hands were on him again, and he enjoyed the feel of her mouth on his. Her hands moved to his waist, and she unzipped his pants, sliding her hand in his underwear. He let out a surprised moan as she wrapped her hands around him, stroking him. Her hands felt so good on him, not having had this intimate contact with her for a few days seemed to heighten his arousal.

She tore her lips off of his, and he watched as she crouched in front of him, and wrapped her mouth over his cock. He bent a little at the knees, and held onto the wall, feeling weak as she moved her tongue over him, hot and wet.

"Joss….." He bit out, and reached down to stroke her hair. He closed his eyes tightly, and moaned deep in his throat, unable to control his response to her. Her hands stroked his shaft ,while her tongue tortured the mushroom. Over and over, she sucked at him, taking in his length, driving him crazy.

He felt waves of pleasure ride over him, and through him. His heart was beating fast, and he threw his head back, leaning it against the wall. He would do anything for her in this moment, he thought. He was hers to command.

Finally, when he could take it no more, he held onto her arms, pulling her up, and kissed her hard, mashing his lips on hers, tasting himself on her tongue. He fumbled at her belt, undoing it first then her zipper. He pulled her pants and panties down to her knees, and spun her round against the wall.

She threw her palms up against it, balancing herself as his hand slid between her legs, and pushed them open wider. She leaned her head back, giving him access to her neck, and he pressed kisses onto it, sliding his tongue along the edge of her earlobe.

"Yessssss….yesssssssss," She breathed, as his fingers circled her clit. She was so wet, and ready. "I want you now, John. I want you inside me."

She bent over as he slid himself in deep, pumping into her fast. He finally noticed the aroma of flowers in the green house around them, and the faint smell of Jasmine.

Outside, a siren suddenly sped by, screeching down the street, but all he could hear were her moans echoing in his ears, as he took her against the wall.

* * *

A WEEK LATER

Fusco couldn't help but shake his head. They'd been taking a statement from the witness of an unfortunate shooting at a law firm for the last fifteen minutes, and all he managed to do was make passes at Carter the entire time.

He'd made certain remarks, commented on her looks, but so far she wasn't biting. He knew the type, he knew it well. He was assertive; he went after what he wanted without fear. He thought he was a wolf whose prey wouldn't know what hit them. He was well dressed, and wore only the best suits, the best shoes, and the best of everything since he had expensive taste. He was definitely educated, and went to the best school, probably Ivy League too. He was admittedly good looking, and he was aware of his allure. Guys like him were normally cocky. So cocky that he believed he'd get any woman he wanted. He'd obviously never met anyone like his partner. He was in for a rude awakening.

She asked him a few more questions, and he answered, using what Lionel called the _molasses_ _voice_. It was the voice he heard when he was up and coming in the neighbourhood, hanging with the guys, and making his conquests. The voice that the guys used when they were in _Old Glory_; the bar he used to hang out in frequently when he was young. The voice when the girl was already buzzed because she had a few drinks, and you wanted her to know that you were really interested.

You bent low near her ear, and you whispered something sweet using _that voice._ And normally, after another drink or two, it worked. Her grin would grow wider, her laugh would be a little louder, and you'd spend the rest of the night squeezed between her legs, emptying yourself till you were dry, listening to the sounds of her moans in your ear. She'd stumble out the door the next morning, and _that voice_ made sure you'd see her again.

Good old molasses, he thought. Unfortunately for this guy, Carter seemed immune. But he couldn't blame him for trying.

There'd been something different about her for the past couple days. She was her usual hard ass self, the capable detective. But there was also something lighter about her. She seemed….happier.

She hadn't said anything to him, but he was willing to put money on it. He was sure she'd met someone.

* * *

When he came to work yesterday, Martin Thompson expected the usual routine. He'd enter the doors by 7:45am, be greeted by his legal secretary at 8am. She'd give him a heads up about his appointments for the day, and then she'd send in the Office Assistant who'd get his breakfast from the deli at the end of the block.

He'd spend the morning in a short meeting with the other two partners at his firm and the Associates, and then he had a business lunch at 1pm.

Nothing had gone as expected. And instead of the meeting with partners and associates, a former employee who'd recently been let go, had decided to come into the office, and shoot up the place. He'd managed to kill two persons, and wound four others, before he was taken down by security.

He knew Henry Saxon, though not that well. Henry had been an employee of the firm for eight years, as far as he knew. His wife had had major heart surgery last year, but unfortunately died shortly afterwards. He hadn't done well after her death. His work had been affected, he missed a lot of days, and he was the cause of them losing more than two cases because of bad research and information.

Human Resources had made the choice to give him some time off to recover, get therapy and get better, but after his meeting with them ended in a physical exchange between him and the Human Resources manager, he'd been let go. Yesterday's terrifying incident was the consequence of it.

It was horrifying, it was sad, and it was an experience he deeply regretted. He should be in a somber mood right now, he should be remorseful. He should be professional. But the woman who'd come to interview him, and get his statement from the NYPD, was nothing short of breathtaking.

She had the fullest lips, the most expressive eyes, and though she was dressed professionally in business attire with her hair pulled back in a severe ponytail, he could tell she was extremely feminine underneath. He was definitely interested. But she was focused only on the case at hand. He asked her for her first name, and she blanched at the question, not answering.

He hardly noticed the man who came with her, although he identified himself by name when they both entered earlier.

Martin was a man who was used to having any woman he wanted. And he'd dated them all, tall, short, slim, full figured. Nothing had been unattainable. He'd had one serious relationship that had ended terribly, and a string of meaningless affairs after. He guessed it was to dull the pain of lost love, to forget the hurt, to prove he was still a man even though his heart was broken. He was getting tired of the games though. He was 45years old, he'd just made partner at the firm 5 years ago, had a nice home, been to a good school and he had a good life. He considered himself a successful black man. He'd worked hard to get where he was. But he didn't have anyone to share it with. He'd spent too much of his time with the wrong women. Chasing conquests instead of chasing happiness, and he finally realized that something was missing.

She was wrapping things up. She thanked him for his time, and told him she or her partner would call if they needed anything more. She shook his hand, and was about to walk out, but he wouldn't let go.

He watched as she looked at him questioningly, her eyebrow rose.

"I'm sorry Detective, but….can I be so bold as to ask you out? I'd really like to see you again." He smiled at her, and she slowly took her hand out of his.

"Mr. Thompson…" she began to say.

"Please, call me Martin. We could have drinks later. I know a really nice place where we could talk, get to know each other."

"I'm flattered, Mr. Thompson, but I…."

"You won't say something boring like you already have plans will you?"

"It might be boring, but it would also be true. Thanks, but no thanks." He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was telling the truth. How could a woman like her not be taken? he thought. He nodded his head and took his card out of his pocket.

"Whoever he is, he's a lucky man. But just in case things don't work out Detective." He handed her his card, and smiled. "Call me. I'd love to hear from you."

She took the card, put it in her pocket, and walked away.

He went back behind his desk and sat down. He hated to be someone who wished evil on someone's relationship but he actually hoped it didn't work out. He meant it when he said he wanted to hear from her again.

* * *

It was about an hour before sunset, Carter thought, and it was a beautiful day. It was right about the time of the golden hour, when the grass and trees were bathed in glorious light, when the shadows would soon fade away, and the sun would take its rest for the next few hours.

She was at McKenna Park again, and she was meeting Reese. This time there would be no intimate rendezvous. This time they were here for a play date; with Bear.

She stepped onto the green as she spotted them. He was already throwing the ball, and Bear had just run to catch it. She walked over to him, and as soon as he saw her, he met her halfway.

"Glad you made it," he said, and reached out to touch her hand, linking their fingers.

"Give me kisses," She said, smiling, and he bent his head to oblige, pressing two quick kisses to her mouth.

Bear ran quickly over to them, and Reese took the ball from him.

"Bear, Zit. Verblijf." Reese watched as Bear sat and stayed as he told him in Dutch. Carter looked impressed, and smiled. "Bear, you remember Joss, right?" Bear barked, and Carter laughed. "Carter, meet Bear."


	3. Chapter 3

**"How long has it been?" Kara asked, rubbing her neck. They'd been in the safe house overnight interrogating a suspect, but so far he hadn't been cooperative. He was now at this very moment blindfolded, and hanging by his arms tied to a beam in the next room. Reese looked at him through the glass; he was sweating, a grimace on his face. The position that he was in was causing him excruciating pain. Reese figured another few hours and his shoulder blades would finally snap out of place.**

**She wanted to know how long he'd been tied to the beam.**

**"Eight hours," he answered.**

**"Okay, take him down. We want to loosen him up, not kill him. Not yet at least."**

**He nodded, and fifteen minutes later, instead of hanging by his arms the suspect was seated, tied to a chair with his arms extended across a table in front of him. He was unable to move, and couldn't even strain against the tight bonds that held him.**

**The blindfold remained in place, so he was still unable to see his captors.**

**"Go on, Boy Scout. Time to get your hands dirty," Kara said.**

**She loved pushing his buttons. She loved seeing just how far she could go. She loved to watch him work. She loved to watch him inflict pain. After he softened someone up, after he did what he was trained to do, she would look at him with a gleam in her eye. Excitement would fill her, and later on when they went back to their hotel, she'd come to his room, and they'd find release in each other.**

**He walked into the room, knowing she was watching on the other side.**

**This was the part he was very good at, but it was the part he hated.**

**He asked no questions, spoke no words. He just prepared to do what he had to.**

**He walked up to the table, and took one of the suspect's fingers into his hand. Slowly and with great precision he began peeling his fingernail from its nail bed. There was deep moaning, a futile struggle, and the shrilling resonance of a piercing scream.**

**He blocked it out, he ignored the sounds. He pictured himself somewhere else. He momentary sent the '_boy scout'_ out of the room mentally and pretended he was someone else. It was the only way he'd be able to do something so inhumane.**

**He took on the darkness and its persona. He wasn't the naïve young idealistic boy who joined the army first, the Rangers, then the CIA. He was someone else. He was a machine, an animal, a killer even.**

**This is who he became.**

**Another nail gone, and he prepared to peel back another. How many had he removed? He lost count.**

**He looked down at the whimpering man beside him. For a split second he admired him. Admired his resilience. His determination to accept his fate whether that included survival or not. But he had to break him.**

**He prepared to remove the last nail from his left hand, when he saw the amber light flash on the wall near the mirror.**

**Kara was signaling him to stop. He left the room, blood on his hands and the killer left. He was mortified. He was ashamed of what he'd done. He couldn't let her see it. The expression on her face although fleeting did not go unnoticed by Kara. She looked at him shaking her head.**

**He walked to the end of the corridor heading for the bathroom. He cut on the hot water in the sink putting his hands under the stream. It was scalding hot but as he held his hands under he almost couldn't feel the heat. The smoke rose from the sink, indicating the intensity of temperature and though after a brief moment his hands were clean, he could still see the blood. He couldn't get it off no matter what he did.**

**"What the hell was that all about John? Did you choke up again?"**

**"Kara…."**

**"It's a shame really. You're getting so good at it. You actually do seem to love your work now. But this whole bit of remorse after…you need to lock it down. I told you we're not Boy Scouts here."**

**"Kara, enough!" He cut off the faucet and dried his hands.**

**"We are not like regular people John. We are the dark. And the sooner you realize that, the better."**

* * *

Reese woke with a start. His hands were shaking, and he was sweating. He got up abruptly from the bed, and started pacing the floor of his loft.

_**We are the dark.**_

_**We are the dark.**_

…_**.the sooner you realize that, the better.**_

_**We are the dark, John.**_

Kara's voice echoed through his mind and in his ears.

His sudden movement woke Carter, who was asleep next to him. She pulled back the covers, and walked over to him quickly, trying to get him to be still.

"Hey….hey what's going on?" she asked in a soothing voice, putting her arms around him. He kept moving for a bit, shirking her arms off of him. He felt as if he was being pulled into blackness, and he didn't want to drag her down with him.

"John, talk to me," she said, her voice firmer than before. He tried to steady his breathing, taking deep breaths to fill his lungs with air, and stopped pacing. He turned to her while running his fingers through his hair, and realized she was scared.

"I'm sorry. I just…had a nightmare is all."

"Are you sure?" she said, and he walked toward her.

"I'm sure." The nod he gave her was to reassure him as much as her. She hugged him then, and for a moment with her arms around his back, he forgot about the dream. He forgot about Kara, and he felt the blackness start to recede.

He was glad she was here, and he was glad she was in his arms right now. She had a way of making everything alright, of making him think he could be normal. A way of making it seem like his work with Kara didn't make him the horrible person he thought he was.

"Let's go back to bed," he said, and he lay with her wrapped so tightly in his arms, he hoped she didn't feel alarmed.

"What would I do without you Joss? You're my light."

She kissed him then, and he was able to sleep for the rest of the night.

* * *

He was acting normal, she thought. They got out of bed this morning, took a shower, and ate breakfast. And he was acting normal. He was pretending to be fine. But in the whole time she'd know John, and in the several weeks they'd been together, she knew when he was just pretending with her.

She sat at the dining table, reading the newspaper, and sipping some coffee while he was on the sofa watching the news. She glanced at him, wondering just what the dream was about last night. He didn't say, but he woke up in a panic last night, and it scared her.

He hadn't wanted her to touch him at first, and he pushed her away when she tried to comfort him. She didn't feel offended or put off by it. She knew he'd never push her away unless he had a good reason. She just wished he'd open up to her about whatever it was that had scared the hell out of him.

She knew it wasn't easy for him opening up. She knew while he was in the CIA he had to survive on his own with no family, no friends, just constant work, missions, and operations with his partner.

It took its toll she knew. Hell when she met him, she found him in the worst state of his life. She didn't want to see him return to that place. She wanted to be there for him.

She hoped soon he would allow her to be.

* * *

Reese sat watching the news, or at least he was pretending to. He fixed breakfast for Carter, they ate together, and he pretended that everything was fine. But she was no fool. He'd known that from the beginning. She was perceptive. It was one of the things he found attractive about her.

"_**Do you need some help?"**_

He remembered the question she asked him when they met at her precinct. She reached out to him, not knowing who he was what he'd done and it touched something in him. He had to know more about her.

His journey towards her led him here, to a place where they could be together. But he wondered now, how long it could last. How long till that darkness overcame him again? He wanted to hold onto her for as long as possible. He wanted to hold on to what they had for as long as possible.

They'd only been together for a few weeks, but being with her, and around her, felt like it was a normal part of his life. It came natural to him, like breathing. She was already a vital part of everything that concerned him. In a very short space of time, he'd come to need her, and it shocked him sometimes.

"I remember that place. My dad was from Florida. I haven't been there in years. He used to take us there, my sister and I whenever he visited our uncles…..I mean what kind of man takes his two young daughters to hang around alligators and swamps…..No one like my dad…." He heard her voice as she walked from the table over to where he sat on the sofa, but he hadn't heard a word he said.

"What?" he asked.

"You're not even watching that. You're sitting in your own world over here, pretending to watch TV so I won't worry about last night." She stood behind him resting her hands on his shoulders.

"Something happened last night?" he asked trying to make light of it, hoping she'd drop the topic.

"You know damn well something did." she said, bending down to rest her chin on his shoulder. "Why won't you talk to me about it?" she asked softly.

"Come here." he said, pulling her around to sit in his lap.

"You know that you can talk to me."

How could he tell her about the kind of man he was? Would she look at him differently?

"Was it about Jessica?"

"No…it wasn't." he was sure he noticed a look of relief on her face. "Joss…"

"Just tell me. I can take it…whatever it is."

She'd been a soldier. She'd seen war, but she hadn't seen what he had. Done the things he had.

"John…..if we're going to move forward, you're going to need to trust me. Talk to me."

"I was overseas…working with Kara. I was questioning a suspected terrorist. And it became….extreme…."

She nodded her head, understanding. "You were torturing him…." she said.

"Yes," he said nodding. "There was just so much blood. I couldn't get rid of it. And Kara was there, spurring me on. She was enjoying it, watching me work." He took a while to tell her the rest, to tell her how he felt. He watched for signs of disgust, looked for her to recoil, but she didn't. She listened to every detail with nothing but empathy on her face.

When he was done, she didn't speak. She moved to sit next to him, and leaned her head on his shoulder. She was waiting for him to be okay with revealing something that he wanted to forget, that he wanted to bury and revisit no more.

"I can't tell you that you won't still have those nightmares. I can't tell you that you're gonna forget that part of your life, cause it's not gonna happen. A soldier remembers every life he took, some more than others. He remembers all the horrible things he's seen and done. I have some bad memories of my own. But look John…..that's not who you are anymore. That's not who I see when I look at you. And I believe one day, you'll see that you're different too. I can't tell you when, or how you're gonna get there, but I'm here for you. Whenever you need me."

Her simple but profound words were enough. Nothing else needed to be said.

They both turned their attention back to the news, and he watched it, for real this time.

* * *

"Thank you." Carter shook hands with the real estate agent, and tucked the folder with information under her arm. Taylor gave her the side eye before they slipped into the car, and she pulled off.

"So…what'd you think?" A futile question really. She already knew the answer.

"I didn't like it, and neither did you, mom."

He was right. She didn't like the neighbourhood at all, and the layout of the house wasn't to her or Taylor's liking. It was too close to the trains. They'd be hearing the loud sound of it passing whenever they were home. Another house to scratch off their list.

She'd been to see about six places so far, some with Taylor, some by herself, but she'd had no luck. They were either out of her budget, or not what she was looking for. She was beginning to get frustrated with the whole process.

Maybe she should stop looking, at least for now.

"So are you going to the dance on Friday?"

He nodded his head.

"Who're you going with?"

He shook his head, but there was a smile on his face. She couldn't believe her baby was dating. He'd be 17 early next year, growing up so fast. She remembered their first awkward, and embarrassing conversation about sex, and going through puberty. Seemed almost like yesterday. And now her baby was dating. And he was being so tight lipped, not wanting to tell her anything. She decided not to press it now, but eventually she wanted to meet this girl.

"Speaking of dating…we might have company for dinner tomorrow night."

He turned his head, and she ignored the look she knew was on his face. "Who did you invite?" he asked.

"A friend.," she said nonchalantly.

"Same friend whose calls you have to take in your room all the time?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Sneaking around the house… taking calls in the room, excusing yourself from the dinner table…. giggles whenever you talk…..it's so evident."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, pretending not to be horrified at this very moment.

"It's alright mom. It's cool. I'm happy for you. Can't wait to meet him."

She smiled, and then chuckled before giving him a mock punch in the arm. Technically they'd met already, when John had rescued him, but that had been the end of it. Seeing how they'd relate over dinner was bound to be interesting.

* * *

Reese stood across the street from Carter's apartment, staring at the front door. He stared at the plant pot at the doorstep, with a bunch of deep purple New York asters beginning to bloom in the soil. There was a harvest wreath on the door, a rush of oranges, deep browns, a piece of yellow. A big old welcome mat was in front of the door. This was a home, no matter how modest or small, it was a home, and he wondered if he belonged here.

Was he trying to prove something to himself? he wondered. Was he trying to prove that he could fit in, that he could be a part of something bigger than himself?

He knew he loved her, he knew he needed her; he knew he needed her to be a part of his life. But he wondered sometimes if he could ever fully fit into _hers_.

She was a single mother; he knew that almost from the beginning. She took it seriously; she made sure that Taylor was raised well. He was a good kid. He was smart, intelligent, and he was a rising star at his school. His grades were nothing short of impeccable.

Mother and son had a good relationship, and except for a few times Taylor rebelled against curfews or shirked his chores around the house, they had no major fights or issues. To him, they were perfect, except there was the absence of a man in the house.

No father figure, no male presence, no male authority. Was he eventually going to have to fill that role? If he planned for things between them to be long term, he guessed he would one day have to. Was he good enough though? That was the question.

He hadn't had the best example of how to be a good father.

* * *

**Family dinners weren't supposed to be like this, young John thought, as he sat at the dinner table with his family.**

**He'd been over to his friend James' house a few times, and realized that dinners weren't supposed to be like this. James' mother had set the table nicely. The shiny silverware, clean glasses, and heaping plates had proven otherwise.**

**But besides an abundance of food, an endless flow of drinks, and a serving of homemade apple pie, topped with your choice of whipped cream or ice cream - he chose the ice cream of course - the conversation, laughter, and overall love in the room at that table, showed him how real families should act at dinner time.**

**James had rolled his eyes as his father made the rounds, asking everyone to share one or two sentences about their day. His friend was a little embarrassed, shook his head at the comments about his sister Julie's horrible experience being caught up in a food fight in the school cafeteria at lunch time, but John had enjoyed the flow of conversation, the closeness, and overall love he felt between the family for those brief moments. It made him realize what he didn't have at home.**

**Sure their home was clean, immaculate even. He never saw a spot of dust, never a thing out of place. Everything had to be perfect. Everything, and everyone.**

**He and his twin sister Morgan lived in blissful ignorance until they got to their mid teens. By then, they started noticing things. And once they did, they realized nothing at all was normal in their house.**

**Their father was a drunk who hid it rather well. He was a functioning one, who went to work every day dressed in his suit, garnering respect from everyone at the office. In the evenings he came home to his stay at home wife, where he abused her, verbally, and physically. John began to notice the bruises that were hidden better to the eyes of children, and now he saw the black eyes and busted lips that had previously gone unnoticed.**

**He and Morgan sat through dinners where they were afraid to speak a word, while their mother's fork shook in her trembling hands. Their father would sit at the table and look at all of them with contempt, while he nursed glass after glass of whiskey.**

**When had the drinking started? John never knew. But he knew after his father lashed out one night, and threw his sister against a wall he'd had enough. Her skull had fractured so badly she fell to the ground unconscious, and he knew he'd had enough.**

**He reacted without thinking, and attacked his father. Blow after blow he struck, until his father lay cowering at his feet on the ground. He was ashamed of himself, horrified by what he did. But oddly he felt liberated from the fear he'd been living in for years.**

**His sister had died. She hadn't survived two days. He was lost without her. She was the only light in the darkness that was their home. She was so young, so beautiful, and the only person he'd been able to identify with. She was the only person who he felt really loved him unconditionally. He'd been so devastated; he moved out of his parents' house months later, and didn't return.**

**A few years later his father had killed himself. He put a handgun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger, but not before taking his wife's life too. A sad ending for a sad life.**

**For a long time John felt nothing. He was numb to the pain. He remembered his sister, and felt the overwhelming urge to see her again. Morgan, even after all the time that had passed, he still missed her so much that he ached.**

**Now he was alone in the world, no family, no home, nothing. He needed a purpose. So he stood across the street from the military recruiting office, and stared at the front door.**

**He needed a new path, needed a fresh start. And with nothing else holding him back, he decided to walk in.**

* * *

The family dinner had gone well, better than expected. The fears he had about fitting in, belonging there, were erased. He felt silly now, really. Silly for letting his insecurities get to him.

The meal was great, Carter turned out to be a really good cook. He ended up asking for a second helping just like Taylor had. Carter shook her head at the both of them, but happily obliged, and laughed, watching them devour the food with gusto. After dinner, there was dessert, a rich red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting that she picked up from _Two Cake Ladies_, a small family owned bakery a few blocks from her place. He had two servings of that as well, and after something to drink, he felt like he couldn't move. Another hour watching TV together in the living room, and he felt very happy that he came.

He sat with Carter on the couch after Taylor went to his room, her feet were in his lap, and he gazed down at the pink colour on her toes. She was smiling at him and playfully hit him on the arm.

"Ow. What was that for?"

"You did well. You were here for what? Three hours so far and you haven't slit your wrists or your throat. You actually made it. I'm so proud."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean," he said, feigning ignorance. But she knew him so well, she probably guessed at his apprehension of the concept of a family dinner, let alone one that he had to sit through.

"You know exactly what I mean," she said. "I know it's only been a few weeks, maybe it was too soon, but….I wanted you to meet him."

"Come here," he said, pulling her by the arm. She leaned forward, and he slid his hand around her waist. "You smell good," he said, before kissing her briefly. "Thanks for inviting me. You have a wonderful boy," he kissed her again, and she came closer, this time putting her arms around his neck.

"Thank you."

"He's lucky to have you," he said in between pressing kisses on her mouth.

"So are you," she said, grinning.

"What are those?" he asked, noticing some brochures out of the corner of his eye. He leaned over, and picked them up off the coffee table. There were recent housing developments, a distressed properties listing from a bank, and other info packets for mortgage rates.

"Moving somewhere?"

She nodded her head. "I've been thinking about it, yeah. I've checked out a few places, but…..so far nothing. I just wanted to see if I could find something with more space, more room for me and Taylor. Something…better."

He looked around. Yes her place was small, but it was cozy. It felt like a home more than many of the places he'd been in. He couldn't picture her somewhere else, but obviously she could, and it was important to her.

"So you'll just keep looking. You'll find something. Don't worry."

She settled into his arms then, and they spent a couple more hours talking. She told him about Thanksgiving dinner next week, her sister and her kids coming in from out of town, and her crazy decision to allow them all to stay at her place. He loved hearing her worrying about the place being too small, but he sensed her excitement about seeing them again after so long.

He loved the little nuances about her personality. Her habit of flicking her nails, biting her bottom lip when she was thinking of something. He loved the wrinkle that formed between her brows whenever she was upset about something. He loved the way she was with family, her mother and her son. He loved the dynamic between them.

She was everything he wished his mother was when she was alive. Strong, independent, and a darling. He wasn't used to this. He wasn't used to being in a loving environment for long.

He'd only been with Jessica for a six short months, and he left her after 9/11, breaking her heart. There were his insecurities again creeping up. He shook them off, and held onto her tightly as she hugged him goodbye on her front steps.

He feasted on her mouth before letting her go. Tasting her sweetness, wishing right now that Taylor wasn't home, and that he didn't have to leave for the night. He slid his tongue over hers, and felt her naughty hands as they slid over him through his pants. He was sure she could feel how hard he was getting. He lamented not being able to bury himself to the hilt inside her. He groaned at her hands on him.

"You don't play fair, Detective."

"Just a little something to remember me by. We'll be together soon, I promise. Taylor has a dance and sleepover tomorrow night. We just need to decide on the place."

"I can't wait," he said.

"Neither can I."

She finally let him go, and went back inside. But he felt her eyes on him watching from her bedroom window until he disappeared down the street.

* * *

Thanksgiving.

The day was finally here, and at her mother's house, there was not a moment of silence to be had. Taylor and his cousins were outside in the backyard having their own football game until the real one came on TV. Her uncle Hank and his wife were in the den, along with her 67 year old aunt Camille watching a movie, and she, along with her mother and sister, were just about finished the endless task of cooking.

Cakes and pies lined the counter tops, along with a whole lot of side dishes to be had with the two turkeys, two hams, imported Grouper filets that Donna's husband sent as a gift. She still couldn't believe Donna travelled all the way with the damn cooler, and of course chicken, because uncle Hank always had to have chicken with everything.

When they finally gathered at the table, she looked around and was glad to see every face, every smile, and everybody talking, digging into the food, and just having a wonderful time in each other's company.

Everyone ate like it was no tomorrow. Donna's boys had grown big, tall, and had athletic bodies. They were much taller than her. She couldn't believe the last time she saw them both, they barely reached her shoulder. She watched as they along with Taylor devoured plate after plate, and wondered where the hell they put it all.

She'd been exhausted at the end of it. After a day and a half of preparation she was looking forward to resting tomorrow on her last day off from work. She was in the backyard on her mom's porch sitting with her sister while everyone else was gathered in front of the TV in the den watching the game.

They spent the time catching up with each other. There was the inevitable question about a possible man in her life. She'd given in and told her sister that yes in fact, she was seeing someone but when pressed for details, she wouldn't give any. She did admit that Taylor had met him, and from what he described, Donna seemed to accept that he was alright.

She'd asked John if he wanted to come. He seemed to consider the invitation when she gave it, but she had a strong feeling he wouldn't show. She didn't push the issue. She wanted him to be comfortable. Coming to her house for an intimate dinner with her and Taylor was one thing, coming to her mom's place with a bunch of extended family, was quite another.

She did wonder where he was, though. She hadn't spoken to him all day. Not one peep. He hadn't returned any of her calls. She hoped his absence was because he was busy with work, and he wasn't simply avoiding her.

* * *

Reese was crouched down on the ground, scratching Bear behind the ears as he ate his food.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Bear," he said, before he stood up. He walked towards Finch who was focused on his computer monitor as usual.

"What are your plans for the evening, Mr. Reese?" he asked without looking up.

"I don't have any, Finch. You don't have a secret family somewhere that you plan to meet up with later, do you?" he asked, sarcastically.

"My Thanksgiving dinners ended with Grace, Mr. Reese. I was with her for every one of them while we were together." Finch got up reaching for his coat. "Right now we'd be in front of the television watching 'An affair to Remember'. It was one of her favourites. It was our tradition, for four wonderful years." The smile that was on his face as he spoke of them started to fade, and Reese was reminded of the loss both of them dealt with every day. Finch had lost Grace, and he had lost Jessica.

He thought of Carter's invitation to pass by her mother's house. She'd given him the address days ago, and he'd honestly considered dropping by. As the day got closer and closer though, he realized more and more how much he couldn't do it.

He was able to have dinner with her and Taylor, but he was terrified of accepting her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.

He'd had only a brief experience of what a happy family gathering looked like all those years ago at his friend James' house. It had been years since he'd been around that.

As soon as the day came, something changed in the air around him. He couldn't explain it, but he was plagued by Kara's voice in his mind over and over again.

We're not like other people John. We are the dark.

"I'm sorry Harold," he said, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Let me buy you a drink."

"No thanks, Mr. Reese. I think I'll just go home. Good night."

He watched as Finch put his scarf around his neck, ready for the New York cold, and left. He spent a few extra minutes with Bear before leaving himself.

He couldn't go.

He shouldn't go.

He didn't belong there.

He didn't know how to begin to belong there.

His feet took him to the doors of a familiar bar that he frequented. He sat at the front, and ordered his usual. He downed a few drinks, and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was Carter, and this was the third time that she'd called.

He couldn't answer her before because he didn't want to deal with the question again.

And he didn't want to have to tell her no, or hear her voice fill with disappointment when he did.

"I'm sorry, Joss," he said, as he watched the call go to voicemail.


	4. Chapter 4

**_We are the dark._**

**_We are the dark, John._**

What was normal? John thought. Was it the life of a bachelor? Being able to afford a good place, pay your bills, sleep with anyone you want and do whatever you want? Was that normal?

Or was normal being in a relationship, getting married and having children?

Was it being closed off emotionally from everyone and everything? Was it your ability to stop a man's heart with just the right blow? Being able to shoot him at just the right angle so he didn't bleed to death before you questioned him? It was what he was used to. It was how he'd survived for so long.

What was normal? He didn't know anymore.

**_We are the dark, John. We are the dark._**

* * *

TWO WEEKS AFTER THANKSGIVING

"Now they've only got us by 5 points."

Reese and Taylor looked in the direction of Daniel Miller and his father, who was standing, with arms crossed staring right back at them.

"Don't let them intimidate you. Look at me."

He said and spun Taylor round to look at him. He leaned down, putting his hand on his shoulders. "Now you can do this. Just remember what I told you, okay?"

"Yeah, I remember. Yeah."

"Come on you're up."

They were doing archery now, the last competing event of the Father Son Retreat that Taylor's class was having. They had driven two hours out of New York City to Fallow Falls Retreat. A large complex with countless acres of land, perfect for the sports and games they had planned for the day and it had been eventful.

So far the only real competition Taylor and Reese had had was the Millers. They were in the final rounds of events, down by five measly points and with one more shot, they could win. He sensed that Taylor really wanted to win, badly.

"One more shot. Get in your stance. Relax you arm, bring your shoulder down just a little more. That's great. Okay now pull back and see it before you do it."

He watched the determination on the boy's face. His concentration, his focus, he was ready.

"Okay, I can see you're ready. Just release it." They both watched as the arrow sailed through the air smoothly, like a blade cutting it, parting it softly as it made its way to its target. He stood in the back of Taylor as they watched with his hands on the boy's shoulder.

They watched together, everyone silent until the point of the arrow landed directly in the middle hitting the target soundly with a loud thud.

Everyone erupted into applause and screams. Taylor jumped to his feet, punching his fist into the air and Reese couldn't help but smile. He'd done it.

His grin was wide and his laughter reminded Reese of his mother. He watched as his friends crowded him, slapping him on the back, shaking his hand. This was his moment and he earned it.

The Millers came over congratulating them, shaking Reese's hand and Daniel traded laughs with Taylor. When everyone started to file out for the small awards ceremony, Taylor turned to him gratitude on his face.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"No really. Thank you."

Reese nodded at him and the boy impulsively hugged him. He was taken aback by the sudden display of affection. It reminded him of what he never had with his father. The images and memories conjured up hit him painfully and he slowly put his arms around Taylor, as tears stung his eyes.

"You did well." It's all he could manage to say.

* * *

Carter sat at home listening to her son as he gushed about the whole day and spending time with Reese. They were on the drive home and close to the city now. On and on he went and she felt tears come to her eyes as he told her how they both ended up winning the whole day of games and he had a ribbon and a pin to prove it.

His initial admiration for John after being rescued from Elias' men turned into genuine fondness and affection after the first time John had dinner with them and especially after today. She was glad they had a good time. She spoke briefly to John who said he was looking forward to seeing her later. Taylor was sleeping at her mom's tonight and they would have the house to themselves.

She had only mentioned the retreat in passing to him, but then he ended up questioning her about it. She was surprised he was interested and when he said he'd go on the field trip with him, she was skeptical. She didn't know if she could believe her ears. He showed up early that morning intent on keeping his promise to go with Taylor. She seen them both off, but she had no idea how much her son would end up enjoying himself.

She sat in the living room in front of the TV waiting for him. He called to say he was outside and she swung the door open to let him in.

With a grin on his face he waved the ribbon around in his hand.

"What does this say?" He said looking at it. "Number One." He said holding up his pointy finger.

"Let me see it." She said reaching for it but he held it out of her reach, dangling it right above her head.

"What'd you want to see, this?" she rolled her eyes smiling trying her best to snatch it out of his grasp, but of course he had a significant height advantage on her. She couldn't get it. Just when she was about to give up, he put it within her grasp but instead of letting her hold it, he kissed her instead. She wrapped her arms around him feeling so good in his arms.

She thought of Taylor and the pure joy in his voice and thought that John didn't really have to do what he did. He didn't even do it for Taylor. He did it for her.

"What's the matter? He said when he looked at her.

"I just…thank you…..for this." She said grabbing the ribbon out of his hand. "It means a lot to me….to my son…..and…" she didn't get to finish. He kissed her again and they got lost in each other.

They stumbled against the wall and his hands travelled over her body, touching the spots she liked. They undressed each other, leaving pieces of clothing through the hallway in their hurry to get to the bedroom.

When they finally tumbled onto the bed together, she felt as if it was the first time. They were back in his apartment making love, exploring each other just as they had after the ball. She got on top of him running her lips over his chest, letting her tongue slide over his flesh and she kissed him over and over. She drew his nipples into her mouth, sucked on his neck and felt his fingers trail over her back.

She could feel his stomach flutter underneath her touch as she ran her hand over it. She looked at his face, his eyes hooded, he seemed so vulnerable. She took him in her hands and slowly lowered herself onto him. She bent her head towards his, pressed her lips on his and slid her tongue into his mouth.

His hands moved over her butt as she rode him, pushing him deeper and deeper inside. His hands connected with hers, and he locked fingers with her, pulling her down to meet his kiss again.

Their moans mingled together, heavy breathing, his words whispered against her ear. He bit down on her neck when she finally found her release and he joined her but seconds later.

"Joss…" he was grabbing at her, her back, her neck, her face and she held onto him as he pulled her closer. They held onto each other, and she felt so close to him in that moment.

"Joss….." He was calling her name again.

"I love you, John." She said kissing him hard. "I love you so much."

O0o0o0o

"_I saw your little exchange with your girlfriend at the airport. It was sweet, really." Kara said coldly as she handed Reese photos of he and Jessica talking right before he boarded his flight. He knew that he was watched from time to time, but he hadn't known he was being watched that day. It didn't matter, things with Jessica had been over for years and it was the first time he'd seen her in a while._

_Still he couldn't deny the pain and cowardice he felt when she wanted him to ask her to wait. He couldn't quite forget the pain of uttering those words after she'd gone._

"_What'd you talk about? Did you get all caught up?"_

"_Do you have something_ _you want to say Kara? Just say it and get it over with."_

"_Just wanted to remind you of who you are and who you'll never be."_

"_I remember just fine, Kara. You never let me forget it."_

* * *

_**Remember who you are, John.**_

Reese' eyes opened wide in the dark. He'd had another nightmare. Carter was still asleep beside him, he was glad he hadn't disturbed her. He got up out of bed slowly and walked into the kitchen to get himself a drink of water.

He was sinking. He didn't know why, but he was sinking. He thought of Morgan. He hadn't through of her in years.

He couldn't save her. Just like Jessica.

He couldn't save her.

He went back into the bedroom where Carter was sleeping.

She loved him.

He stood over the bed watching her.

She loved him. It should be enough.

* * *

The touch on her arm caused Carter to wake up. Reese was sitting on the bed to her left, his fingers running up and down her arm. He touched her face softly, gripped her arms and she knew something was wrong.

She was about to ask what it was when he kissed her hard. He wanted something, he needed something. She sensed that he was afraid of something. But she didn't know what. She just knew that he needed her, now.

He kissed her again, bruising her lips with his own. His hands on her skin were urgent, his mouth on her body was demanding. He parted her legs and pounded into her with force. He held onto her so tightly trying to expel whatever it was that was haunting him right now. His fingers dug into her shoulders, her waist. He seemed desperate.

All she could do was hold onto him as he moved within her. He was rough, she thought and she felt his thrusts matched the turmoil he was feeling.

She cupped his face in her hands and tried to get him to focus on her.

"John. I'm here, John." He was still on top of her, still inside her. "Whatever it is, I won't let it hurt you." She kissed him then and the groan that left his throat was one of pain mixed with relief. "I'm here."

He buried his face in her neck, slowing his pace just a little and she knew they'd connected again.

When he came she held him tight, rubbed his back and kept telling him it was okay. She cupped his face again and noticed her palms were wet. He was crying.

She held him tighter and he didn't say a word. She kept rubbing his back, touching his face, touching him everywhere so he would know he wasn't alone.

"I'm here." She repeated again and again. "I'm here."

* * *

THREE DAYS LATER

"You ever considered maybe his cousin had something to do with it?" Carter walked over to Fusco's desk, handing him the file he asked her to take a look at. "Something's off with his supposed trip to Boston. It doesn't coincide with the dates he gave in his initial statement."

"Thanks a lot Carter." He said and picked up the phone.

She was on her way to pick up something from the filing room when she heard her name called. She spun round and saw a delivery guy walking in her direction.

"Are you Detective Carter?"

"Yes I am." She said and he held out a box to her. It was a little weighty.

"Delivery for you. Sign here, please." She signed at the bottom of the delivery form and took the small box to her desk. Opening it slowly she wondered who it was from. She moved the protective foam from the box and unwrapped the tissue paper.

Inside the box was a crystal jasmine with lavender petals, green leaves and pearls at the centre. The logo on the box said Swarovski. It was beautiful, she thought and she opened the card that came with it. There were only two words written in the middle;

_**I'm sorry**_

She knew it was from Reese. It was an apology. It was his way of compensating for the other night. She was worried. She didn't want to admit it, but she was worried. Something was going on that he didn't want to talk about.

She was worried.

O0o0o

It was dark by the pier and the moon was especially huge tonight, she thought. She stood with her hands resting on the railing and heard footsteps in the back of her.

She tightened her coat and stuck her hands in her pockets not looking at him as he stood beside her.

"It was really beautiful, the jasmine." She said.

He nodded.

They stared out at the water together, not speaking, but their stillness said so much. The minutes ticked away slowly.

"You have to trust me, John."

She waited in silence again. Waiting for him to say something, anything.

"I do." He said, finally.

* * *

ONE WEEK LATER

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm, she thought.

That's what it was.

Right before everything started to fracture. There was a noticeable change in him. Gone were the calls right before bedtime, the wake up calls in the mornings. The nightmares came more frequently and his moods swings were giving her whiplash. He wasn't mean, he wasn't angry, but he'd become distant. Their time together was sporadic and she never knew what his temperament would be when she saw him.

She confronted him about it, but he said he was fine.

"You're not fine, John. Something's going on, you won't let me in."

"Joss….."

"You said you trusted me. Prove it. Let. Me. In." He stared at her, and she was frustrated with yet another one of his stoic expressions.

"I'm leaving." She walked away, her hand on the door, but he closed the distance quickly, stopping her.

"Joss…..please….there's….you have to understand….I just ….don't go. Please."

"I want to stay, but you're not even here with me. We're in the room together and I feel like I'm the only one here. How long is this gonna go on? I can ride out anything with you, but you have to let me in."

She stood there pleading, but he was still unable to answer her. She turned around again to leave when she felt his mouth on her neck, his hands on her back. She was angry, she was tired of him pushing her away, but her desire for him was stronger than ever.

"John, no…."

He wouldn't let up; his hands were undoing the buttons of her shirt, the clasp of her bra.

"John…please…..we need to talk." But how could she when his lips were pressed against her stomach, when he started to kiss her through her panties? How could she find words when she could barely breathe with his tongue kissing her where her thighs met?

He took her against the door, with her legs around his back and her fingers in his hair. His eyes pierced into hers, his cheek was pressed to hers. She heard his incoherent words in her ear, mutterings she couldn't understand, comprehend. His pressing need was pouring out in every movement, sliding over her, tangling them together. Her fingers dug into his back and they came hard together.

He lifted her over to the bed, where he made love to her again, well into the night. She lay on her side sometime after he'd fallen asleep wondering just how she would get through to him. The shell he'd built around him was so hard to penetrate.

But she loved him. She had to try.

* * *

Reese stumbled out of bed early in the morning. Carter was still asleep. He walked to the bathroom seeing their discarded clothes on the floor. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he glimpsed a green toothbrush out of the corner of his eye.

It belonged to Carter.

How long had it been there? He thought. How long had it been there? There was jasmine shower gel in the shower stall and when he stalked into his closet he saw a few of her clothes hanging up littered with his own.

He felt as if his head was spinning. He slid to the ground, slumped against the door, the darkness and fear gripping him.

"John….." He heard the concern in her voice as she knelt down beside him. "Are you okay? Talk to me."

He knew. It was clear as day.

"I can't….I can't do this anymore."


	5. Chapter 5

_**"You wanna tell me what this is?"**_

_**"Looks like a piece of paper to me." He replied, his gaze moving from the letter in her hand to her face then back. He was stalling and he knew it.**_

_**"Phillip James Ward, don't play games with me. It's a letter from the bank. Do you know what it says?"**_

_**She called him by his full name. That was it. She was really mad. He stood up from where he sat on the edge of the bed in their room looking at his wife. Normally she had the temperament of an angel. And the face of one too. Her hair was black as night, her beautiful round doe eyes a beautiful brown, and she had the sweetest, fullest mouth; all you wanted to do was kiss it. Yes she was a beauty. But she also had brains. She was no dummy and though the curves of her thighs and bottom were what admittedly attracted him to her initially, he was glad she had enough knowledge in her head to carry on a good conversation too.**_

_**Right now she was flaming mad and rightly so he knew. He'd hoped to intercept the letter she held in her hand before she'd seen it. He'd been successful in doing it with the previous three that had been sent. He sighed, knowing that this conversation was inevitable. He just wished he had more time.**_

_**"Well…."'**_

_**"It says that this is our third notice, Phillip. Our third notice. Are they about to foreclose our home?" He saw the tears forming in her eyes and wanted to kick himself. The last thing he wanted to do was worry her and now she was starting to panic.**_

_**"They won't. I plan to talk to the bank manager on Monday. I got an appointment with him."**_

_**"Why didn't you tell me anything? What's been going on? What…what about the kids?"**_

_**"Evelyn, now calm down….." he said trying to soothe her.**_

_**"If you'd told me I could have done something."**_

_**"Like what Evelyn?"**_

_**"I don't know, Phillip…..something." She said and started to pace the room. "I could have asked my par…"**_

_**"Don't even suggest that." He said interrupting her.**_

_**She knew how he felt about asking her parents for money. They never believed he was good enough in the first place. The last thing he wanted to do was prove them right. They were very vocal about their disapproval of him. He hadn't come from the right neighbourhood. He hadn't gone to the right schools. He hadn't done the right 'anything' as far as they were concerned.**_

_**The Petersons never felt he was able to take care of their youngest daughter. But Evelyn thought differently and he felt like the luckiest man in the world when she accepted his marriage proposal. He told her he didn't want her to work, wanted her to be a stay at home mother. He told her he wanted to take care of her for as long as he lived and she finally agreed.**_

_**Things had been rough for the past few months though, work had been slow and he'd missed a few payments. He didn't know how it happened, but it had been almost eight months and now it looked like the bank was about to take their home. He knew he couldn't let it happen. He had a wife and two kids to provide for and take care of. He swore to be their provider and he had to live up to that. He was going to speak to the bank manager on Monday and hoped that he could convince him to give him just a little more time, arrange something, erase the bad debt.**_

_**"I'm sorry Evie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I wanted to take care of it on my own."**_

_**"You can't do it on your own. We're in this marriage together remember. You have to trust me." He watched as tears started to slide down her cheeks. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her lips.**_

_**"I do. You know I do."**_

_**"But Phillip…."**_

_**"Don't you worry Evie. I'll take care of it. We're gonna be okay, baby."**_

_**From the corner of her eye Evelyn spotted her youngest daughter standing at the door.**_

_**"Jocelyn…come here baby." She noticed her face was wet.**_

_**"What's the matter baby, why are you crying?"**_

_**"Are you and daddy mad at each other?"**_

_**"Aw, no baby." She wiped at her tears. "We just had a disagreement. But we're okay. We're gonna be just fine.**_"

* * *

Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day.

She never paid much attention to it before, especially since she hadn't had a real relationship in ages, but now Carter viewed it with disdain instead of indifference. She looked around the precinct, and it looked like the colour red had vomited all over the office. She didn't remember this amount of bouquets and fruit baskets last year. Something must be in the air, she thought.

She stared at the crystal jasmine next to her monitor. It was still on her desk, and every time she looked at it, she thought of John, remembered why he sent it. Looking at it today just made things worse. She took it off the desk, and put it the bottom drawer next to her files. She couldn't bear to look at it anymore.

She packed up her things and left work, intending to go home, but decided against it. She couldn't stand the emptiness that was waiting for her. Taylor was at a Valentine's Day dance, and that meant she'd be home alone, again, left to her thoughts, wondering just what the hell went wrong.

It's all she thought about. The last conversation she and John had about them. That morning it all ended. That morning everything changed. She pretended she was alright, but she wasn't. But what else could she do? She had a child to raise, and she had a job to do. She couldn't fall apart. She didn't have the time to. At least not publicly, anyway.

Not that she hadn't shed tears. There were many. At one point she felt they'd never stop. She never let Taylor see them, or her mother. But in the dark, late at night, sometimes her cheeks were stained with tears as she tried to fall asleep. She'd wake up, eyes puffy, and go to work the next morning like nothing happened.

It had taken a while to break the news to Taylor. She told him almost a month after. He came into her room one night asking where John was. Why hadn't he come around anymore for dinner? What had happened to him? She had to tell him that things hadn't worked out, that they had decided to go their separate ways.

He questioned why. She had no real answers to give him. She was trying so hard to understand it herself, and she hated herself for introducing them to each other. She hated the fact that her son had grown attached to John. She hated that he'd gotten used to him coming around, or that he was able to call him when he needed help with something. She hated that Taylor had grown accustomed to having him in his life. She hated herself, because now he was gone, and her son was being affected. There were slight changes in his behaviour after a while. His tone when he spoke to her was coarse. He spoke to her in short sentences, and he started to clam up. They used to enjoy each other's company, now he seemed to avoid her like the plague.

Christmas came. and he seemed to turn around. Dinner at grandma's house, the presence of his cousins, and uncles, seemed to lift his spirits. The new phone, and video game console she got for him might have had a little something to do with it and she was happy to finally see him smiling again.

At least someone was.

John's absence was glaring. She looked at the faces of family members eating at the dinner table, everyone smiling and laughing, and she couldn't take it. She excused herself, going into her mom's bathroom, and spent twenty minutes on the cold tiled floor with a towel shoved into her mouth to muffle the sobs that had overtaken her. The tears flowed endlessly, and she couldn't stop them. She missed him. She missed him no matter how brief their relationship was.

It was a new year she thought, as January rolled around. She watched the ball drop on TV in her living room at midnight, while Taylor was out with friends. Ryan Seacrest was sending out New Year wishes, Auld Lang Syne played in the background while the camera panned to various faces in the crowd as people kissed each other to bring in the holiday. She sipped on some red wine, drinking glass after glass, until a full bottle was gone. Afterwards, she shut herself up in her room, and went to sleep. But she woke up later that morning, and decided she was done being depressed, and she was done crying. She needed to move on with her life.

She wasn't shedding anymore tears. She couldn't.

By mid January though, Taylor had started acting up again. Just when she thought things were getting better, they took a turn for the worse. He was even more withdrawn. He didn't want to do the things they did together anymore, he spent more and more time in his room. And for the past two weeks he'd started breaking curfew. It seemed her child was spinning out of control.

She'd had enough, and asked him what was wrong, demanding answers.

"Taylor what's going on? This isn't you. You're not the same person. You're rude, you've been short with me, and you're not coming home when you're supposed to. Is something going on at school? Talk to me."

"It's nothing."

"I know that's not true Taylor. We need to talk about what it is. Come on. This is you and me, remember? We do things together, Taylor we always talked things out. Why won't you talk to me?"

"I just wonder what happened, mom."

"What do you mean?" she asked reaching out for his hand, but he moved it quickly.

"What'd you do?"

She was confused about what he was accusing her of.

"To John…..what happened? What'd you do?"

The look on his face felt like a punch in the gut. She felt tears start to sting her eyes. Tears of anger that he thought somehow it had to be her fault, but tears because she realized he'd been processing the separation in his head for so long he was trying to come up with answers on his own. Finally, when he couldn't come up with anything else, he started blaming her. He was hurting more than she had known.

"You know what? Forget it." He set off in the direction of his room, and she followed.

"Taylor, there's nothing that I did to….there's nothing that I could have said to change what happened."

He went into his room, and locked the door behind him. Her knocks on the door went unanswered. So did her words. She didn't know what to do.

"Taylor…baby, open the door." He didn't come out of his room for the rest of the evening.

Finch had chosen that very night to call her for assistance. Only this time, he needed her to help John. John, who she hadn't seen or heard from since the break up. John, who had practically disappeared off the face of the earth. She refused, she told him no, but after pleading, and insisting that she had to help, she agreed.

She ended up in a bit of a shoot out, trying to save him from drug dealers who'd had him tied up. She didn't care about the details of how he'd gotten that way, and she coldly dismissed Finch's words of gratitude when he called her afterwards.

John's captors had gotten away, and she helped him out of his restraints. There was an extremely awkward silence between them. And she felt her heart physically ache at the sight of him. There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted to ask where the hell he'd been. She wanted to know if he missed her the way she missed him. She wanted to know why it had been so easy for him to forget her. Had he? But she said nothing as they both stood staring at each other.

"Thank you," he saidm but she didn't respond. She remembered being in his arms. Images of his mouth on hers flashed into her mind, him kissing the sensitive spot behind her ear while he moved inside her. It had been a while, but her body remembered him well, still desired him. She was angry, disgusted with herself.

She walked away.

"How's Taylor?"

She turned round to face him again. "You are going to stand therem and ask about my son?" She let out a brief laugh. "….my son who you never even said goodbye to? My son who wondered how come you disappeared without a word…and because he can't find any other reason, just tonight he blamed it on me." She was so close to him and his scent mingled with his cologne was strong in her nose. She felt something pass through her and stepped back. "Taylor's fine."

She had to go. "Next time you need help, I suggest you call Fusco," she said, over her shoulder. She heard him in the back of her, his steps sounding on the floor.

"I never meant to hurt you, Joss….."

"What you _did,_ outweighs whatever it is that you _meant_ to do. But it's my fault really. Taylor's right. If I'd have just let you take me home that night, none of this would have happened. We wouldn't have ended up at your apartment…"

"Don't….."

"…we wouldn't have made…..love….and this…..."

Carter felt her hardened shell begin to crack, she felt herself getting weak. But his face was already a mask of stone. As conflicted as she knew he was, hoped he was, she wondered if he still felt the same about her. He started to walk away, and was almost out the door when she felt the words leave her mouth. They stopped him in his tracks.

"You never would have told me you loved me."

"I probably wouldn't have, no," he answered, looking over his shoulder at her.

"Do you still….love me?" She knew she was taking a risk just saying it out loud. She held just the slightest glimmer of hope, when she asked the question. She watched as he turned his head, and knew he was going to leave. With her head bowed down, she knew she was about to cry, and she was glad he was going.

In an instant, she was swept up in his arms, and he was kissing her with such passion, and desire, it literally took her breath away. For just a moment, he sucked at her lips hungrily, seeking not only to comfort her, but to find comfort for himself. His tongue found hers, they slid across each other, and a deep moan escaped her throat. She felt alive again, and the numbness she felt for so long disappeared as she held onto him as tightly as she could.

But just as quickly as he claimed her mouth, he pulled away again.

"No…." she whispered brokenly. She grabbed at his coat, trying to hold on, trying to keep him there.

"Goodbye, Joss," he whispered against her mouth, and quickly left the room. She followed him into the street, calling his name, but he was nowhere to be found.

She hated him after that encounter. She hated him so much, she wanted to hurt him, strike back at him for walking away. It seemed so easy for him, while she was the one left to pick up the pieces. She felt heartbroken. She felt rejected once again, and she felt all alone.

It was cold outside in the city. It hadn't snowed this week, but there was a biting chill in the air. She wrapped her scarf around her neck, and put her gloves on, hoping to keep the cold away. A different kind of chill had wrapped itself around her, and she hadn't been able to shake it. She felt herself becoming bitter, resentful, and she was still angry.

John had all but disappeared. he and Finch still needed her help like they always did, but now Finch was the one she spoke with, and met whenever something was needed. Whenever the _unknown number_ showed up on her phone, it was Finch's voice she heard on the other line.

She still didn't want to go home, she thought. She hailed a cab and gave him the address of a bar and jazz club she hadn't been to in a while. The place wasn't too crowded yet and she sat at the bar waiting to be served.

The bartender walked over, and smiled at her. He was tall, his smooth skin the colour of dark mahogany, and he had a toothy smile that was extremely infectious. She couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Happy Valentine's Day. What can I get you?"

"Rum and coke for starters," she said, and took a sip soon as he brought it over. "There's a band here tonight right?" she asked him.

"Yeah. _Trixie_ is playing. They should start around 8," he said, while mixing a drink for another patron.

She nodded her head, and listened to what was playing on their stereo. It was a nice tune by Nina Simone; _Sinnerman_.

She closed her eyes, listening to the lyrics, and let herself get lost in the music. For a minute, she stopped thinking about John, and she was finally able to relax.

* * *

His hands were shaking. He'd broken into a cold sweat, and he felt blinded, literally seeing spots in front of his eyes.

"John talk to me. What's wrong?" Carter was kneeling at his side, her voice urgent as she sensed his pain. She'd gotten used to his nightmares, and she had her hands on his shoulders.

"I can't do this…..I can't do this anymore."

"What are you talking about?" He slowly got to his feet. "Morgan….." he murmured his sister's name.

"John…"

Carter was right in front of him, but he kept seeing his sister. He needed to focus. "I couldn't save her…."

"John you're not making any sense."

"I can't do this anymore." His voice was low and rough. She was shocked, taken aback, and he hated the look on her face as she finally realized what he meant. "Your things are in the bathroom, your….toothbrush….they're in my closet…every time I look around….there are parts of you….here. I feel like I'm suffocating."

"John….."

"You want me to be a father to your son, be a part of your family….for fuck's sake you wanted me to have….Thanksgiving dinner. What are you trying to do _Carter_?!"

He called her last time with condescension in his voice, and he could see it stung her.

"This isn't about my things being at your place. This isn't about a damn toothbrush. Something else is going on that you won't tell me about."

"No. it's about who I am, and who I will never be. This is a mistake. It's been a big mistake, and it never should have happened."

"You don't mean that. You're just too much of a coward to say what it really is. You just want to take the easy way out."

"I'm telling you I can't be the family man you're looking for. I can't be a father to Taylor. I'm not…that's not who I am. I can't be that. And _this_ is over."

He remembered just the night before, him begging her to stay. She had, and now he knew she was regretting it.

"You don't mean that." She was shaking her head, as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "I don't believe you. You're just scared. You're used to being alone, and now that you're not, you're scared because….look we can take things slow, we can slow them down if you need to. Let me help you. Don't do this, John."

"Its over, Carter."

"You told me you loved me, John," she said, pushing him. He stumbled backwards, caught off guard. "You told me you loved me." She pushed him again. "What changed huh? Tell me!" She pushed him yet again, until he was backed up against the closet wall. "Tell me…." she whispered, brokenly.

"I do love you, Carter. But I don't want this. I can't. Do. This. Not anymore. Not with you."

"What do I tell Taylor?" she asked, and every tear he saw her shed, was like a lash across his back. She was in pain, and he wanted to hold her, he wanted to comfort her. He reached out to touch her, but she pushed his hand away.

"Tell him I'm sorry."

"What do I tell myself?" When he couldn't answer her, she turned away, finally, and he watched her get dressed. She gathered her things from the bathroom, and his closet, and put them in an old gym bag she'd left there a few weeks ago. She pulled her hair into a messy ponytail, and opened the door to leave.

"Wait. Your ball gown. What do you want to do with it?"

"Throw it away, sell it….I don't care. It's not really mine anyway, I didn't pay for it." The hurt in her voice cut him like a knife. She closed the door behind her, and he felt like an open wound that someone had just sprinkled salt on.

What had he just done?

What he had to, he thought. What would happen, eventually. He ended it. But he felt no better after he'd done it. He still felt the blackness swirling around him. Still heard Kara's voice echoing in his ears. Still loved Joss with his whole heart.

He looked outside the window, and saw that the snow was coming down, and he realized she wasn't wearing a coat. She must be freezing right now. He kicked her out; told her to pack her things, and literally kicked her out in the New York winter.

He felt like a bastard of the worst kind.

* * *

As the bartender had said, _Trixie_ came on to play at 8PM, about forty five minutes after Carter arrived. They'd been playing for an hour now, and she was enjoying the collection of songs they performed; mostly upbeat tunes, and there were a lot of couples there now who'd taken to the small dance floor in front. She was thankful they hadn't switched to any slow dances, or love ballads just yet. She didn't need the reminder that she didn't seem to know a thing when it came to love.

She was on her third drink, thinking it'd probably be her last, when she felt the faintest tap on her shoulder.

"Detective?" She turned around coming face to face with the attorney she'd questioned about the office shooting. There he was, standing tall in his expensive suit staring down at her. He looked incredibly attractive tonight. She couldn't for the life of her remember his name, though.

What was it?

"Martin Thompson; from Banks, McKinney, and Thompson. Do you remember me?" He held out his hand for a shake, and she took it after a moment.

"Mr. Thompson, right. Nice to see you again."

"The feeling is mutual, believe me. I must say this is the absolute highlight of my day."

"Is it?" She asked, sipping on her drink, and watched as he sat next to her.

"It most definitely is. Happy Valentine's Day," He said, and she nodded without smiling or returning the sentiment.

"Oh. Doesn't seem like your Valentine is all that happy. Are you alone tonight?" he looked around as if he was expecting someone to join her any minute.

"As it turns out I am, Mr. Thompson," she said.

"Please, I insist you call me Martin."

* * *

She wasn't home, Reese thought. He knew for a fact that she got off work a little before 7PM, but she hadn't gone home. He was sitting across the street from her apartment building, waiting for her to show up. He wondered where she was.

He hadn't spoken to her since last month, when she'd saved his life. She'd gotten him out of harm's way, and he was grateful for the assist.

She was so beautiful, he had thought. Time had done nothing to fade how he still felt about her, and standing so close to her after being separated from her for so long, had been torture. She stood there asking him if he still loved her.

How could he not?

He gave into his feelings for her, and impulsively kissed her, an action he paid for dearly later on. He wandered back to his apartment with his cock so hard he could barely walk. He stumbled into his closet where her ball gown hung up next to his suits. He touched the fabric, inhaling it, breathing it in. The scent of jasmine had grown fainter and fainter over the last few weeks, but it was still there. He could almost imagine her right there with him, if he closed his eyes tightly enough. He missed the touch of her skin; he missed plunging himself deep inside her. He missed the moans that he would elicit from her mouth, the way her fingers would dig into his back.

He missed _her_.

He unzipped his pants, and stroked himself on the floor, his body tense as he moved his hand up and down his wet cock. He thought about her nipples, hard under his tongue, the soft bud between her thighs, her scent as he ran his tongue over her folds. Up and down he stroked, over and over until his hand was covered in his own come.

"Joss….Joss…."

He'd sat there for a while later, calling her name softly; missing her, and needing her so badly, he ached.

He knew he'd been a fool to let her go. But in the long run, he felt he was doing her a favour. He knew it was just a matter of time before he'd end up ruining everything, ruining her life and Taylor's.

Knowing that, believing that, hadn't made it easier.

So even though he broke things off, he followed her, he watched her, he listened to her conversations sometimes. The sound of her voice put him to sleep at night, even if she was just talking to Fusco at the precinct, even listening to her watch TV gave him comfort.

The holidays came and went, and he couldn't help wishing that he could be with her. A few times he dialed her number, but he could never bring himself to let the call go through. The gift he'd gone out and bought her for Christmas, lay in its box on a shelf in the closet. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't stare at it and wonder how her face would light up when she opened it. But he knew otherwise. She was still angry and she'd never forgive him.

So why was he here, on Valentine's Day, no less, waiting for her to come home? He didn't know if he'd even speak to her if he saw her.

He sat there waiting until another hour had passed, when a car pulled up just in front of the door. He saw Carter get out, along with a man who walked her to the door. They spoke briefly, and he saw him slip Carter his business card before she went inside.

He wasn't aware she was seeing someone. She wasn't, he thought. He'd been watching her; he'd never seen this guy before. Not even once. So who was he? And where did he come from?

He wrote down the licence plate number of the car as it pulled off, and he reached over the passenger seat picking up what he'd brought with him. He stood on the sidewalk a little while longer before walking quietly up her steps.

His fist was up, so close to the door, all he had to do was knock. He let it drop though, before resting what he brought at the front door, and leaving. He started the engine, and pulled off, dialing a cell number.

He waited impatiently while it rang, once, twice, three times….

"Zoe Morgan." Her voice on the other end of the phone sounded good. It was just what he needed right now.

"Zoe, its John."

"John. It's been a long time." He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Too long," he said.

"How can I help you, John?"

"Well its Valentine's Day, and I thought I'd buy you a drink."

"You did, did you?"

"Mmm hmm….why don't we meet?"


	6. Chapter 6

The drink with Zoe seemed like a good idea at the time when he made the call, but after waiting for her to arrive, and spending time with her after she came, Reese had only succeeded in finding a temporary distraction. Even now in the dark as he lay beside her, he still thought of the one woman he couldn't forget.

Zoe was good company. and the playful banter between them was as natural and easy as it always had been. They'd had two drinks and gone back to her place where they went straight to her bedroom. They both knew why he was there and there was no need to pretend otherwise. She undressed in front of him, slowly, seductively and though he appreciated her body, the small curves of her breasts and hips, he saw one woman in front of his eyes.

He got out of his clothes and she knelt before him rubbing her hands over his erection. He closed his eyes and tangled his hands in her hair pretending it was someone else's lips wrapped around his cock. Later he drove himself home inside her, but it was just a release of a physical need. There was no connection, no warmth; no real satisfaction after it was done. He didn't reach for her or cuddle afterwards. He didn't want to and neither did she. They both just simply went to sleep, at least she had. He lay there afterwards wondering what another woman was doing. Had she found what he left on the porch yet? What did she think of them?

Memories of the two of them played over and over in his mind. Things he'd never done or experienced with anyone else. There was such intimacy in the little things they did. The simple things, to him, were not simple at all. Everything about her was so profound.

He stood watching her one day as she was changing the bedding in her room. He watched as she secured the pillow protectors over the pillows before she slipped on the cases, how she smoothed the edges of the flat sheet.

"Don't just stand there, John. Grab that end and smooth it down for me," she said, as she put the comforter over the bed to finish it all. He'd happily obliged, with a silly smile on his face.

He recalled another time he'd surprised her with red velvet cupcakes from her favourite place _Two Cake Ladies_. He watched as she peeled back the cupcake holder and took a bite of the rich dessert. He loved the way her eyes closed when she did. He loved the 'mmm' sound that she made, and the smile as she nodded her head when it went down.

"This right here, John…there's nothing like this. Thanks so much, baby." She dipped one of her fingers in the frosting, and made him lick it off. Then he'd planted kisses on her neck, while she took another bite. That had been a good day, and an even better night.

He couldn't remember the bad days with her. Either he had selective memory or they hadn't had any at all.

He chatted with Zoe over a cup of coffee the next morning, and left a few short minutes later. He went home to shower and change, and stared at Carter's dress in the closet again before he headed to the library to meet with Finch. Another day, another number.

* * *

Carter sat in her living room in her terry cloth robe sipping some coffee. It was early in the morning, and the sun was just coming up. She turned her head sharply in the direction of the front door after she heard a loud thud. It was probably the morning paper boy. She got up sliding her feet into her fuzzy bedroom slippers, and walked to the door.

She was right, it was the morning paper boy, but there was also a bouquet of about two dozen red roses, wrapped up in cellophane. She looked around for signs of who might have put them there, but she didn't have to think too hard about who they were from.

She gathered them up in her hands and grabbed the paper. She took the flowers into the kitchen and put them on the counter, looking for a tall vase to put them in. She found one, and filled it with some water before unwrapping the beautiful flowers. Their colour was so rich and vibrant. They were absolutely beautiful. She found a small card inside and a small note;

H.V.D. ~ Happy Valentine's Day.

She recognized the handwriting, and shook her head as she put the flowers in the vase one by one. It was amazing she thought, that he could be so thoughtful, do something like this and yet still manage to push her away every time.

She didn't know whether to thank him or tell him to leave her alone.

She took the bouquet with her, and put it on the coffee table in the living room. She sat on the couch drinking the rest of her coffee, and stared at it; thinking of the man who sent it, and then of the man who'd brought her home last night.

"I had a wonderful time bumping into you tonight." Martin said as they pulled up to her place. "Let me get your door for you," he said, and came round to open the passenger door. They walked up the few steps to her apartment, and she turned to him to say good night.

"I mean it Jocelyn. I'd really like to get to know you. Let me take you to dinner."

"Martin, how can I put this? I'm not ready for anything serious right now, and I'm not looking for anything casual either, just putting that out there."

He laughed just then.

"I understand. What you need right now, is more of a friend than a lover. Someone to talk to, someone to kick back with."

"I guess you could say that."

"I'm in no rush. I have no problems taking it slow. Let me take you to dinner. No strings attached, I promise." He handed her his card. "Call me."

She finally nodded, taking the card from him. "I will."

"Alright. Goodnight, Jocelyn."

"Goodnight, Martin."

She honestly did have a good time with him. Their conversation had been easy. He was great to talk to and most importantly he made her laugh. That was something she hadn't been able to do in a long time, even at Christmas. Originally she'd written him off as an arrogant, self absorbed jerk, but he'd proven her wrong.

She wasn't interested in any serious relationship right now, though. Things with John were still complicated. After not seeing her for a month, he decides to send roses she thought. And not just any rose. He sent red roses which signified love and passion, the two things he seemed most afraid of experiencing.

She was tired. She was tired of trying to figure out what he was feeling or thinking. She was tired of trying to communicate with him, when he was only giving her crumbs.

She was tired, and she'd had enough of it.

* * *

Reese walked up the stairs of the library and was greeted excitedly by Bear. He walked over to Finch and handed him a box of doughnuts, before giving one to Bear.

"Good morning, Harold," he said, fishing a small piece of paper out of his pocket and handing it to Finch.

Finch looked at the seven digits on the paper, and looked up at Reese. "What's this?"

"A licence plate number, Finch."

"And just who does it belong to, Mr. Reese?"

"That's what I want you to find out."

* * *

This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't be happening, Carter thought as she dialed the number on Martin Thompson's business card.

She stared at the huge bouquet of pink tulips sitting on her desk shaking her head. But she also had a smile on her face.

She wondered whatever happened to 'taking it slow', and asked him the same question when he finally came on the phone.

"Well if I was rushing you, they'd be red roses instead of tulips. Besides, it's to compensate for the rocky start of your Valentine's Day, and just a little something to let you know I was thinking of you."

"Well thank you. They _are_ beautiful, Martin."

"Any further thoughts on dinner?" she had thought about it, but she hadn't decided yet.

"Not just yet, Martin, but thanks so much for the flowers." Her cell phone rang; _Unknown_ _Number_.

"Um, Martin, I'm sorry, something just came up. I have to call you back." She picked up her cell answering it. It was Finch on the other line. He needed some quick information, and she gave it to him.

"Finch, any idea where our mutual friend is? I need to talk to him."

* * *

Carter sat in Lyric Café spinning her coffee cup around in her hand. The beverage was quickly getting cold. She was waiting for Reese to show up. She'd called him and asked him to meet her there. This little tiny café was their usual meeting spot. They met to trade information, have a cup of coffee, maybe a brief meal. Sometimes they even managed to share a little something about themselves. And that's how their friendship began; brief moments, hot or cold beverages and a funny story or two. But those small things had added up over time and eventually ended up taking them back to his apartment on that fateful night.

It seemed like a distant memory now, and she found herself feeling unusually nervous to meet the man she'd grown to feel so comfortable around. She looked up at the door as someone entered, it wasn't him.

"You seem to like cold coffee, Carter." She heard the familiar voice in the back of her and he slowly came round to sit down at the table. It was déjà vu all over again. Flashback to their first meeting after he was shot; he arrived, in a nice suit, and a smile on his face because he admired her persistence in finally tracking him down.

Now, as she looked at him, he appeared tired, stressed, and she was a little worried. The suit was in place, as was his usual serious demeanor, but something was off.

"Old habits die hard I guess," she said, with a shrug.

"You wanted to see me?"

"I did. I wanted to ask you about the flowers, the roses." She saw him about to put the wall up and knew she had to get him quickly before she lost him again. "And I want you to not run away this time."

"Are you sure they were from me?" he asked, bitterly. "I mean they might have come from a certain attorney friend of yours.

She shook her head. She smiled, not feeling the least bit surprised that he had found out about Martin. She smiled too, because she realized he was jealous. He was jealous of something that didn't even exist.

"You know you can't do that, John. You can't have it both ways. You can't push me away every time you see me, and then have a problem if someone else shows an interest."

"How long have you been seeing him?" It was almost as if he hadn't heard her.

"I'm not going to even answer that. I came to talk to you about the roses. Why'd you send them?"

"How long, Carter?"

"Are you even listening to yourself? The roses, John."

"It was Valentine's Day. The flowers seemed like a good idea at the time."

"You didn't think of delivering them in person maybe?"

"He's from a nice upper middle class family in Atlanta, he went to Georgetown, and he just made partner at his law firm a few years ago. He seems like a good guy through and through. Straight shooter, I can't find a single thing wrong with him. He's perfect for you."

"Unlike yourself right?" Her response hit him hard, she could tell. He couldn't meet her gaze anymore, and he started fidgeting with the napkin in front of him. "I never asked you to be perfect. I know what you did, I know who you are. I never ran from it. You're the one who pushed me away."

She wished he knew how unnecessary it was to compare himself to Martin. They were as different in personality, looks, mentality, as they were in skin colour. Yes, Martin was her version of normal, her version of safe, and on paper he was the perfect man. None of that mattered really, she thought.

"Do you remember when were outside the Drakes' house waiting for Mrs. Drake's hit man to show up? We talked about moving on and you asked me if I was ready. And then at the charity benefit, you said you thought of me. You said if the right woman came along, you'd be open to moving on yourself. But, either you're not open or….I'm just not the right woman."

"There are things about me, my past, that you wouldn't understand."

"Then tell me. It can't be worse than what you did in the CIA. It can't be worse than what happened with Jessica and her husband. I'm not afraid of you. You're afraid of yourself."

She just needed to know one thing.

"What do you want, John?"

"What do I want? Carter, you're the one who asked me here."

"What do you want, John? Do you want me? Do you want us to make this work? Because sending me roses won't do it. Kissing me, and then running away won't do it. Being jealous, and following me around won't do it. Just tell me what you want." She reached across the table, and held his hands in her own. He looked at her, and the internal struggle that was going on inside him was so evident in his eyes. But she couldn't make it easy for him. It was hard on her too.

"Tell me now, John. Or stay out of my life….for good."

A thousand emotions were playing on his face. She would have given anything for him to give voice to them. She wanted him to say anything, just one word to indicate that she wasn't alone, that he was in it with her.

Just one word.

But he remained silent.

She slowly withdrew her hands and put both of them in her lap. This was really the end. He sat there with her, both of them staring out the window. She fought the urge to cry, telling herself that she wouldn't shed another tear over this man. This man who she still loved so much. This man who still held her heart. She wouldn't do it.

He was the first to get up. But before he left, he placed his hand on her cheek and kissed the top of her head.

One more kiss goodbye.

* * *

He was suffocating. He was literally suffocating without her.

He couldn't remember spending so much time in his closet before. He seemed to find himself sitting in there for long periods of time now. It was odd. It made no sense, he knew. But looking at her dress, touching it, smelling it, gave him a way to feel close to her again. He could almost imagine touching her again.

He sat on the floor with the fabric in his hands, holding it close.

So many things were his fault, so many things. But he had no idea how to fix them. He didn't know what the first step was.

She'd given him another opportunity to try again, and he'd been paralyzed with fear; again. Now he was about to lose her forever.

He had nobody to blame but himself.

* * *

"A second call in one day. I feel deeply honoured." Martin's smooth drawl was in her ear on the other line. She went straight back to the precinct from the diner and dialed his number.

"You should feel honoured. I called to accept your dinner invitation."

She heard the smile in his voice as he suggested Saturday night. "As it turns out I'm off on Saturday. That would be just fine.

* * *

The first date with Martin had gone well. He was attentive, humorous, and very charming. He was a complete gentleman, and as promised he didn't push her.

They ended up spending a lot of her free time together. They'd gone to plays, movies, dinners, and even took a day trip to D.C. one weekend. That had been fun. They went to the Memorial Wall, the Lincoln monument, and passed by the White House. It had been ages since she'd been to the Smithsonian, and she was glad to find that he was a fellow art enthusiast.

Before she knew it, a whole month had passed by, and she was extremely comfortable around him. She enjoyed his company, and she'd really come to care for him. She liked the fact that he was easy to be around, that he knew what he wanted and that he was willing to wait for her to be ready.

She'd just come home from a date with him and he walked her up to her doorstep. This was always the part that she hated. She knew he wanted to be invited in. She knew although he had been patient, he wanted more. But she still wasn't ready for him to come inside. Not just yet. She turned to him on the steps and he got that look in his eye which meant he knew the night was over.

"I had a really great evening, Martin. I don't know how you manage to surprise me with something different every time."

"How about you return the favour, Jocelyn," he said, sliding his hand around her waist, and pulling her close. "How about you surprise me with something different this time?"

He stared down on her and the look in his eyes was almost a dare for her to make a move. She liked him, she really did. She was attracted to him, and it had been a long time since she'd been held this close.

She put her arm around his neck, and tilted her head up to kiss him. His kiss was sweet, soft, and gentle. He kissed her with care, running his fingers along her neck, and she relaxed a little in his arms enjoying the kiss.

"Now that…..was a welcome surprise," he said, releasing her lips finally. "Goodnight Jocelyn." She turned and watched as he walked back to his car, then went inside. She leaned against the door for a moment, not quite believing what just happened. She touched her fingers to her mouth and felt silly as tears stung her eyes.

"John…"

* * *

She kissed him.

She kissed him.

Reese watched as Thompson walked her to her front door, slid his arms around Carter's waist and she kissed him. It tore his heart up. He had to hold himself back from walking up to them and beating Thompson to shreds, to hell with kneecaps. One bullet to the head would be enough.

It was his fault. He kept thinking over and over, it was his fault. And he knew that was the truth.

She told him to stay out of her life. And he had. At least he'd visibly stayed out of it. He stopped calling her and their face to face meetings came to an abrupt end. But although she never saw him, he was still there. He was always there. He followed her almost every day, sometimes at night. He still took care of the numbers, but at the end of every day, he made sure he'd seen her or listened to her voice at least once.

He watched as Thompson slowly became a part of her life. They'd spent a lot of time together over the last month. But judging from the way he always simply walked her to her door, he knew they'd never slept together. He drew some comfort and relief from it. He couldn't imagine her with anyone else, not after they'd been together. He didn't want to.

But that night she'd finally kissed him.

He stalked off in anger, and called Zoe.

They ended up meeting again and he spent another night driving himself deep inside her, trying his best to bury the feelings that were tormenting him. No thrust was enough; no kiss or touch could make him forget. All he could see was Carter.

She seemed to be haunting him now. She was in his dreams at night and before his eyes every day.

The kiss had been almost three weeks ago, but for him it was just as if it had happened yesterday.

She was moving on. He'd really lost her this time and there was nothing he could do anymore.

He was at a bar starting his second bottle of beer when she called him one night. He wasn't sure he was seeing right when he looked at the caller ID on his phone. But it was her. She was distraught, she was upset and there was panic in her voice. She couldn't find Taylor and she needed his help. It was well after midnight, he wasn't answering his cell, and he had yet to come home.

He didn't think twice, and reassured her that he would find him and bring him back.

He called Finch, and asked him to track Taylor's phone. A half hour later, he found him just a few blocks from his school. He was at an old children's playground and he sat with his shoulders slumped on one of the swing sets.

Reese looked around making sure nobody else was about and walked up to him. He saw the look of surprise, then confusion on Taylor's face as he realized who he was, but he said nothing. Reese sat down next to him, his long legs stretched out in the sand underneath their feet.

He sat down next to him and waited till he was ready to talk.

"What are you doing here?" he finally asked.

"Your mother sent me."

"She must be freaking out right now," he said.

"She is."

Taylor kicked at the dirt under his feet, and Reese watched as it scattered under the boy's frustration.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Something's just off. I can't seem to wrap my head around some things."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't remember my dad that much. I was only five years old when he died. All I have are pictures and stories my mom told me about him. But it's not the same. Not the same as him actually being there. Mom and I have been on our own for so long, having a man in the house didn't matter. At least she never seemed interested in anyone so…..I figured it was never an option."

Reese sighed because he knew what was coming next.

"…..and you came along and…you don't miss what you never had you know. I never really missed my dad because I didn't know him, he wasn't there. But you were there. At dinnertime and hanging out with my mom and then the retreat….I thought…I thought you cared about my mom…..I thought you cared…about…..m…..about her…."

"I do care about your mother. I care very much about her. I care about you too. I care about what happens to you both."

"But you just disappeared. With no explanation."

"I don't….Taylor I have no idea how to be a…." He took a deep breath and tried to continue. "I hope someday you can forgive me for that. But just because I'm not there, it doesn't mean that I care about you any less, or your mother for that matter. I hurt her. I hurt her in a really bad way and I'll be lucky if one day she can forgive me too, but I have to tell you that none of this is her fault."

"But….."

"_**None**_ of this is _**her**_ fault, Taylor. You understand me?"

He reached out and put his hand on Taylor's shoulder. "Look at me. She's your mother. Regardless of whoever comes and goes in your life, she's your mother and she's always going to be there. It's time to stop blaming her for what happened between us. You know better than that. It's time, for you to focus on what's important, your family, your school work and your future. I don't want to hear about you doing something like this again. This isn't you."

Taylor nodded his head as Reese patted him on the shoulder.

"So if she wasn't the one who left, then it was you. You were the one who walked away." It wasn't a question, just a simple statement. Reese didn't answer; he felt he didn't need to.

"Was your father around when you were my age?"

"Taylor, honestly having a man in the house is overrated. Yes my father was around, but he was a total stranger to me. I can honestly say he was present, but as for who he really was as a person….I never knew him."

"Well despite having a very bad example of how a father should relate to his son, you're actually not too bad at it. You don't think it's a coincidence do you that you're the one she calls every time something goes wrong?"

* * *

They pulled up to Carter's apartment a half hour later and neither of them rushed to get out.

"Thanks for coming to get me, John."

"Anytime." He said and he meant it. "Just….under different circumstances."

Taylor laughed. "Yeah. I'm probably gonna be grounded for a month. If…..she doesn't kill me first."

"Which do you think would be worse?"

They both laughed then and Reese opened his car door. "Come on, time to face the music."

The storm that Taylor was expecting, didn't come. Carter was so happy to see him, to know that he was alright and not hurt somewhere, she could only hug him and tell him that she loved him. She did however promise there would be further discussion in the morning.

"I'm sorry mom."

"It's okay." She said. "I'm just glad you're alright."

Reese watched as they embraced and sensed the tight bond between them. For a moment he thought back to his childhood and dinners at his friend James' house. It felt the same and he felt glad to be around them right then.

Taylor eventually went to his room and he and Carter were left alone together in the hallway.

The look she had on her face mirrored the same one she had when he brought Taylor back after he'd been kidnapped by Elias' men. He saw relief, gratitude, but he also saw the tiniest trace of fear on her face. Fear over what could have happened to her son if he hadn't been found. She had to be strong for them both, she always had to hold it together alone.

After telling him to stay out of her life, she had still come to him to ask for help. Despite how bad things were between them, she knew he'd help her without question. Taylor was home now, but he could tell she needed something else. She needed some reassurance that _**she**_ would be okay, that she wasn't about to lose her son.

He knew he couldn't fail her again. Not this time.

"Come here." He said and gathered her in his arms. He wrapped her up in his embrace tightly and she put her arms around his waist and back grabbing onto him. He felt her finally begin to let go and he waited as she cried softly and released all the emotion she'd been holding on to for so long.

He stroked her hair, ran his hands up and down her back and he just stood with her and held her. He comforted her as best as he could.

"Its okay, Joss." He whispered. "It's okay." He tilted her chin up and wiped at the tears on her cheeks. "You're a good mother. You know that. You're a very good mother." He took her over to the sofa and he sat with her cradled in his arms for a little while longer.

"Thank you, John." She said finally and sat up against the back of the chair. His arms felt so empty without her. "Thank you for bringing him back to me. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't found him."

She hugged him goodbye that night and when he walked down the steps and onto the pavement, he felt bad that he had to leave.

He dreamt of Morgan later as he slept, images of them at the swimming pool at school, watching TV in their family room replayed in his mind. There were traces of a memory he couldn't place, something he hadn't seen before, something that had been buried. They were sitting on the edge of a cliff, her eyes, the same as his blue ones were staring right back at him, and together they were bathed in pure blinding light.

His mood had changed after that night. His conversation with Taylor on the swings, the brief moment with Carter after he took him home and his memories of his sister seemed to have had a good effect on him. He was feeling positive for a change instead of being in a state of increasing torment for so long.

Harold made an offhanded comment about the possible cause for his upbeat mood and even Bear seemed a little more excited about going to McKenna Park to play with the ball and run free on the open green.

His happiness was short lived however and a conversation between Carter and Thompson was the cause of it. He asked her to accompany him on a short business trip to Maryland for two days and after much coaxing, she agreed.

He disconnected the audio from her phone and went straight back to his apartment and into the closet. The scent of jasmine was gone now. There were no more traces of it in the fabric he now held tightly in his hands.

* * *

Carter looked at the lone key in her hand as she entered Reese's building. Finch had been genuinely worried and she'd never seen him with a look of panic on his face before. He said he hadn't heard from Reese for a whole day, no calls, no appearance at their 'office', nothing.

When he finally tracked him and found he was still at home, he went to look for him, and found him on the ground in his closet. He hadn't wanted to talk and when Finch tried to find out what was wrong, he pulled a gun on him.

Finch hoped that there was a way for her to get through to him. So he gave her the spare key to Reese's loft. She got to the 5th floor not knowing just what she would find.

She slipped the key into the lock at his front door and pushed it open slowly. She walked inside and took her coat off, resting it on the bed.

Just as Finch said, she eventually found him in the closet on the floor, with her dress from the charity event in his lap.

"John?"


	7. Chapter 7

_**Evelyn Ward was the first person awake this morning. She got out of the bed she shared with her husband and took a nice warm bath. She'd taken to humming while she was in the bathroom and this morning, a popular jazz song filled the air. It was Monday. The first day of the week. That meant it was time for school, her husband would be headed out to work and traffic on the road would resume as usual.**_

_**So many people dreaded Mondays, but this was one of her favourite days of the week. She got dressed and headed for the kitchen. She went through the routine of packing the kid's lunches. Donna and Jocelyn her two precious girls were fond of tuna sandwiches on white and Jocelyn her youngest had to have hers with the crusts cut off. She also packed their favourite cookies, fruit, some juice and some water. Now it was time to get them into their baths so she could start breakfast.**_

_**Monday breakfasts were a treat, she made them especially hearty. She served pancakes, scrambled eggs – "Make mine with cheese." Jocelyn would say – and sizzling bacon or sausages. The kids got dressed and sat at the table, eagerly waiting to stuff their mouths with the delicious meal.**_

_**Evelyn Ward sipped on her coffee as she watched them; she loved the aroma and the taste of the new brew her husband had bought for her.**_

_**"Now Donna, take your time." She watched as her eldest daughter packed one forkful of eggs after the other into her mouth. She had a healthy appetite. "I swear I don't know where you put it all." She shook her head and smiled.**_

_**Donna let out an embarrassed little giggle, nodded her head, and took some of the bacon off of her baby sister's plate when her mother stopped looking. It didn't go without protest and they started bickering at the table.**_

_**"What's going on you two? Jocelyn…." She said with her back turned, looking over her shoulder. She knew just how mischievous they could both be.**_

_**"She started it." Young Joss declared.**_

_**"And of course you had to end it right? Stop fighting you two. Family is all you have at the end of the day. Now apologize. And Donna, put back whatever you stole."**_

_**"I can't mommy." She said.**_

_**"And just why not?" Evelyn asked.**_

_**"I already ate it."**_

_**"Donna, you taking my little baby's food again?" Phillip Ward walked into the kitchen, kissing Jocelyn on her cheeks and he tousled Donna's hair. He walked up to his wife putting his arms around her waist and kissed her neck before planting a few on her lips.**_

_**"I love you baby." He said.**_

_**"Hmmm…..What's got you in such a good mood this morning?" Evelyn asked.**_

_**"I need to stay as positive as possible. I've got the meeting with the bank manager this morning, remember?"**_

_**"How could I forget?" She said turning back to the stove.**_

_**"I've got a good feeling Evie. It's gonna be alright, trust me." He whispered in her ear, before kissing her goodbye. Whatever it was brought a gleam to her eye and nodded her head and closed her eyes.**_

_**While her sister hadn't noticed, Jocelyn had witnessed the exchange between her parents and a look of curiosity was on her face and she wondered about what was said.**_

_**Evelyn collected the dirty dishes from the table and loaded them into the dishwasher a few minutes later when she felt a tug on her dress. There was Jocelyn looking up at her with doe eyes and an inquisitive expression.**_

_**"What is it baby?" she asked bending down to her eye level.**_

_**"I wanna know what daddy whispered before he left."**_

_**"It's just a little something we say to each other whenever he leaves for work." She bent over and whispered in her daughter's ear and she heard her giggle.**_

_**"Your love gives me wings."**_

* * *

The apartment was dark when she got there and Carter walked around in the open space. She took her coat off and put it on the bed and turned in the direction of the closet. The light was on and she slowly walked towards it. Carter spotted Reese on the ground slumped against the wall at the back. He was still and showed no signs that he realized that she had come in.

"John?"

She carefully approached him as she saw his head turn in her direction. She didn't like the look on his face. Normally he was always intensely focused, confident, sure of himself. Right now he looked extremely lost, his expression blank. This wasn't the man she'd come to know. This was the man who she met in the precinct after getting into a fight with Antoine and his crew.

He watched her walk toward him, watched as she stared at him, looking at her dress from the charity event that was in his lap. She was surprised that it was still there. She didn't think he'd keep it after she left.

"What are you doing here, Joss?" He asked quietly. His voice was raspy and low. It sounded like he hadn't used it in months. His eyes were red and the usual stubble he had, had grown considerably. He looked like a man in pain. She had to figure out a way to soothe it.

"Well Finch called me. He told me he hadn't heard from you and he was worried. He said you pulled a gun on him. Is that true?"

He looked away from her gaze at the mention of Finch's name like he was replaying what had transpired in his mind again. He was focused on the dress in his lap, staring at the fabric and his right hand moved over it, slowly.

"I'll take that as a yes." She said and she knelt down in front of him. "He said he was worried about you. He had to be, if he called me."

She reached out and put her hand on his arm wondering what he was thinking.

"Do you need some help?"

Those words got his attention for a minute and he looked at her again. There was a flicker of something behind his eyes, but it appeared and left just as quickly as it came. She moved the dress out of his lap and she saw his gun still in his left hand near him on the ground. She reached for it, and his grip tightened on it, not wanting to let it go.

"Are you gonna make me leave too, John? You gonna pull a gun on me too?" She put her hand on his shoulder and he closed his eyes slowly.

"Give it to me, John. Let me have it." She touched his face then, pleading with him. "You're safe with me, you don't need this. Come on, give it to me."

She was relieved as she felt him loosen his grip and he let her take it from his hand. She reached over his head and put it on a shelf in the back of him. She lowered herself on the ground next to him and just sat there for a moment wondering just how he got to this point. What had happened to cause him to regress like this?

How would she get through to him?

It was still early in the evening. Taylor was at her mom's place, so she knew he'd be alright. She and Martin had made plans for this evening, but as she looked at John sitting beside her she realized how much he needed her right now and she couldn't leave him like this.

"I'm not sure what's going on in that head of yours right now, but I'm here, John. For as long as you need me to be. I won't leave you until you're okay. If you want to talk, I'll be here. If you just want me to sit with you, I'll be here."

She looped her arm through his and held his hand linking their fingers together. He didn't respond, but she was determined to wait it out. She leaned into him, resting her head on his arm.

Even though she'd taken the dress from him, she noticed his gaze was still fixed on it. For a brief moment she flashed back to the first night it was delivered to her house. She felt excited taking it out of the garment bag. She'd stared at it as it hung up in her bedroom and when she finally wore it that night at the charity event she couldn't help feeling like a princess at a ball. The look on his face when he saw her had been priceless and the fabric swayed as they danced together later that evening. She smiled thinking about how he had taken the dress off of her after they went back to his apartment. Memories. So many memories were attached to that dress.

"I'm surprised you kept it. I honestly thought you'd get rid of it."

Memories, she thought once more. That's why he kept it. He wanted to remember that night they were together. A part of him still hadn't let her go. He was trying to hold onto her as much as he was trying to push her away. He probably felt as if things were closing in on him.

Where would she begin?

"You know the size of this closet has me convinced that a woman had to have owned this place before you did. I mean the shelving, this large mirror covering the back wall, plush carpeting. Had to be a woman right?"

She crossed her feet in front of her and continued, despite a lack of response from him.

"It kinda reminds me of when my sister and I used to play dress up in our mom's clothes. We'd throw on her pearls, her high heels and put her lipstick on. Donna used to love to try on different outfits, but there was this one dress of my mom's that I absolutely loved. It was always my first choice and I made sure Donna never got to wear it. It was black, sleeveless and cinched at the waist. The neckline wasn't nearly as low as this was, but it was pretty daring back in the day. And it had the most elegant beading. My mom turned heads when she wore it."

She smiled a little as she pictured her and her sister walking in front of her mom's full length mirror, puckered up lips and striking poses until Evelyn Ward would come in with the intention of scolding them for ruining her clothes of course. But she'd always end up playing dress up along with them, dissolving in giggles on the bed at the end of their 'fashion show.' Her dad would come in the room and say that his grown wife was just as bad as the girls.

"Donna and I were so close. We _are_ close. We'd tell each other everything. I loved seeing her so much last year over Thanksgiving. There's nothing like family." She turned to him quickly as she felt him squeeze her hand tightly. She pulled his hand close to her chest and saw that tears were in his eyes.

She reached up and stroked his head, and rested her hand at the nape of his neck.

"It's okay." She said soothingly.

"Morgan." He said. "I had a sister named Morgan."

In all the time she'd known him, he'd never mentioned his family, let alone a sister who he seemed to have cared so much about.

"Tell me about her, John." She asked and he turned to face her. The almost vacant look in his eyes was gone. Now he was stripped bare, the expression on his face open, and she sensed that he was ready to let her in. "Tell me." She coaxed, with her hand still on his face.

She felt it was important that she touch him. He needed to know that he wasn't alone. He needed to feel comfortable and safe.

"She was my twin sister. She had my dark hair, the same eyes, the most beautiful smile. She was the most precious thing in the world to me growing up. She was just…..so loving, so…..giving. We were very close to each other, connected. She made me feel like I could do anything, be anything."

She nodded as he went on and once he started to talk about her, he couldn't stop. She listened to stories of their mother, their father, the abuse they endured, verbal and physical. Her heart broke and ached for him as he talked about how Morgan died, and hear his anger at his mother for standing there doing nothing. He seemed to relive the whole ordeal all over again and he squeezed her hand so tightly as he forced the words to come out.

He had no concept of a happy family. While she had grown up feeling loved and protected, he'd had the exact opposite. Now she understood his fear and why he had bolted.

He hadn't felt any sorrow over his parents' death. He hadn't allowed himself to grieve or any of them. He just pushed it all in the back of his mind, and finally it was catching up with him.

She realized how everything had all tied into Jessica's death too. First he lost his sister, the only real connection he felt to the world. He finally found something in Jessica, but lost it too when he left her to rejoin the military, then the CIA after 9/11.

He was in a vicious cycle that he needed to break. Maybe it was good that this had happened. After all it had forced him to finally speak of his sister's death, something that clearly still haunted him to this day.

"I couldn't save her." He said.

"No you couldn't have, John. But it's not your fault. Your father is responsible for her death, not you. You were just a kid and it was your parents' job to love you and take care of you, to protect you. They are the ones who failed Morgan, not you, John."

They were facing each other now on the floor and he she looked into his eyes cupping his face in her hands.

"Do you hear me? They are the ones who failed her, not you. You loved her more than anyone and she loved you back. You didn't fail her."

She held him then and she felt his arms wrap around her. He held onto her tightly and she felt as he must have when he held her after bringing Taylor home. She wanted to give him the same comfort he'd given her that night.

"You're such a good man. I wish you could understand how important you are, not just to me but to so many people, John."

She felt him letting go as she held him and he held onto her. She didn't see it as a weakness she saw it as a strength. He was finally finding the courage to face who he was.

"What do you miss most about her?" She asked, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

She listened as he started talking again, and bit by bit she felt as if the dark cloud around him was starting to recede. Amidst the nostalgia and the stories he told, a light came back to his eyes and her heart turned over when one particular memory caused him to smile. It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen, she thought.

Her cell phone rang and though she looked in the direction of it on the floor beside her she ignored it.

His eyes bore into hers intensely. He said nothing, but she knew he was holding his breath wondering if she'd answer it, wondering if she'd leave. She picked it up and diverted the call to her voicemail. She switched it to silent then put it back on the carpet.

He squeezed her hand then, tightening his fingers around hers.

"Why'd you keep the dress, John?" She asked softly.

He looked away, and she hoped the small progress he made wouldn't end because of her question.

"I needed something….something to remember you by. It was a way to….feel close to you."

She nodded at his quiet admission and it caused tears to come to her eyes. He still missed her after all this time. Just like she still missed him.

"I did a very stupid thing. I hurt you in a horrible way. I was mean, I was cruel and…you didn't deserve it, Joss." She felt stupid, thinking she should be over that by now, but his apology for how he treated her that morning felt like salve over a stinging wound. She nodded her head trying not to cry.

"I am so sorry for hurting you. I know I don't deserve it but, can you forgive me?"

His words were heartfelt, his expression so sincere and with tears in his eyes she knew he meant it.

"I forgive you. I forgive you, John."

He hugged her again relieved that she forgave him and it felt good to be in his arms.

"Are you ready to get off this floor now? Cause I am." She got to her feet and held her hand out to help him up. "Come on." He got up resting his arm on her shoulder and they walked out of the closet together.

It was just past midnight and the lights of the city filtered in through the windows. There was a slight chill in the air and she ran her hands up and down her arms trying to warm them up.

"Have you eaten?" She asked turning to him. "Do you need me to get you anything?"

"Stay here tonight with me, Joss. Please." He said. "I just…Can you stay please? Just for tonight."

She came here tonight because he needed her help. He still needed her; she couldn't leave him just yet.

"Okay. Okay I will."

They lie in bed together for a long time later talking some more until he finally drifted off to sleep, holding her in his arms. He held onto her so tightly almost as if he was afraid she'd leave in the middle of the night and he'd wake up alone. She felt such a tremendous relief that he was much better than he was when she got there. She'd gotten him to talk to her, open up about the loss of his family, his sister and he apologized for hurting her. He had an incredible breakthrough.

But tears were silently running down her cheeks and she felt confused. She was crying for the boy who'd endured so much at the hand of this father and the neglect of his mother. She was crying for the boy who lost his sister and was left without a family. She was crying for the man who didn't know how to receive love because he felt he didn't deserve it.

She was crying for herself because this was where she wanted to be. She knew, after all they'd been through, she still loved him. Here with him, lying in his arms was where she felt she belonged. Right now though, she wondered if he was ready to be in a relationship. She wasn't sure if he ever would be after tonight.

Whatever progress he made was fragile at best, but she guessed at least it was a step in the right direction.

Tonight, she had been his friend. She had been his shoulder to lean on. Maybe right now, that was all he needed.

* * *

_**Love Hill at Lookout Crossing – 7pm**_

"What do you want to be when you grow up, John?"

Her smile was infectious, he thought. The light in her eyes bright, untainted and her dark hair was caught in the breeze. He'd never felt closer to another human being. Not his father, not even his mother. Nobody was as close to him as Morgan was.

One conversation with her could block out the screams coming from the other room. One word would help him to forget the bruises he watched his mother cover up with concealer. Her laughter could drive away the hopelessness he felt at the two of them being trapped in a home that everyone thought was perfect but was far from it.

She was his light.

Now they were here, sitting at the edge of this cliff, looking out over the horizon. It was so peaceful and quiet. He was in awe of his surroundings and the natural beauty there.

They could talk about anything right now at this moment; the trees, the sunset, the golden light hitting the rocks. But she wanted to know about his dreams.

"You heard me, John. What do you want to be?"

He shrugged at her question. "I don't know, Morgan."

"Yes you do. Don't be shy. It's me remember? We tell each other everything."

"I was thinking I wanted to teach. Maybe math or science. I'd love to work with kids."

"You can do it, John. You can be whatever you want to be. I think you'd be a wonderful teacher." She said holding his hand.

"What about you? What do you want to do?" the sun was shining its last bit of light on them.

"I want to fly."

He laughed at her then. "You're crazy."

"That's what I want. To grow wings and fly off into the sunset, far away from here and never look back."

There were tears in her eyes, but she wiped them away and smiled. "I can picture it now. We'll both leave together, you'll be a teacher and I'll finally put this place behind me. We'll never speak of it again. We won't have to, because we'll be free." She squeezed his hand and together they closed their eyes.

Then there was nothing but light, blinding light and he felt as if they were floating. Maybe she was right; maybe they could grow wings and fly away together. Maybe they didn't have to stay where they were; they could really be free after all.

* * *

He remembered light.

There had been blinding light and he'd dreamt about his sister again. This time there wasn't the disturbing image of her in a hospital bed or her being thrown against a wall. But they were simply enjoying each other's company while watching the sun set.

It was a beautiful memory and he hoped to hold onto it for many years to come.

He looked down to see Carter still asleep in his arms. She hadn't moved an inch and he felt glad that she was still there. How had he allowed her to slip away? Why had he pushed her out of his life? She was the best thing that had happened to him, he knew. But it had taken him so long to realize it. Now she was with someone else and it was too late to do anything about it.

Could there possibly be a chance she still cared about him?

Of course she did, she was still here in his bed at his request even though she was in a relationship with another man.

Maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was better to simply have her respect and her friendship again. It was more than he deserved after he had hurt her so badly.

She stirred in her sleep and he heard her whisper his name.

It made him smile and he wondered at her dreams. He planted a soft kiss to her shoulder before he closed his eyes again and drifted back to sleep.

* * *

"…sorry about that, Martin. I had a family emergency last night."

Reese heard Carter's voice in his ears and believed that he had to be dreaming. But the sound continued and he opened his eyes to see her on his couch talking on her cell phone.

"…no Taylor's fine. A really close friend really needed me. I'm still at her place. I'm sorry about dinner. But I'll make it up to you, I promise."

He remembered last night, her coming to the apartment, her talking to him until he felt something come alive inside him again.

_**Do you need some help?**_

Her question took him back to the first time they met. She had been almost an angel that day waking him up from his drunken stupor. Last night she'd been his angel again and she pulled him out of the dark once more.

He sat up slowly as he heard her giggle and got up out of bed. He went into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. She was wrapping up the call when he got back and he heard her mention the trip that was planned for next week. She had to be talking to Thompson. He clenched his jaw thinking about what he could have said to make her laugh the way she had just now.

"I have to go, Martin. I'll call you later this evening." She walked toward him with a smile on her face. She'd put her hair into a ponytail and she was fresh faced and beautiful. "Good morning." She said.

"Good morning."

"So I made you some breakfast. Your favourite actually. Or was it mine? But anyway, there are pancakes and eggs and…."

"….bacon." He finished.

"Yes."

"Hmmmm…." He said and walked into the kitchen. "You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to."

"If you have to leave…..I mean…your phone call….I'd understand." He said filling his plate.

"I planned to stay a little while longer, just to make sure you were okay."

They enjoyed a few hours together, talking, sitting on the couch. Before he knew it, it was mid day and he knew she was going to be leaving soon.

"Thank you, Joss. I never would have made it without…..a friend to talk to." There were tears in her eyes and he reached out to touch her hand.

"I'll be here. If you need me."

She got up and though he knew she had to leave, he didn't want her to go. Not yet. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he couldn't put it into words.

When had he become such a coward?

* * *

Carter was very aware of his eyes on her. He watched as she gathered her things, putting on her shoes and coat. Watching her get dressed was one of the things he always did. All she would do is put one leg after the other in her work pants, but he seemed to find it fascinating. It was so intimate the way he would study her movements in silent observation, how she combed her hair, even brushed her teeth sometimes.

It was just one of the unspoken things they had shared. It made it feel like old times again.

Now she had to leave. He walked her over to the front door and she opened it.

_Just_ _say goodbye and walk out the door,_ she told herself, but she looked at him almost as if she was waiting for him to say something.

_Of course he won't_, she thought but he pulled her into his arms suddenly, holding her so tightly against him. She hugged him back burying her face in chest, inhaling his scent, letting her hands move over his back one more time.

She raised her head up and his cheek brushed against hers. She felt his stubble scratch her face, his fingers in the back of her neck, everything was all so familiar. So were his lips as they pressed onto hers. Softly, tenderly, so delicately claiming her mouth and momentarily she was lost in it.

She was lost in the feel of him, the taste of him, the feeling that crept into her bones and seemed to move through her pores. It was his touch, the way he knew just where to kiss, what felt good and what turned her on. His tongue felt so good against hers, yes she was lost.

It was easy, it was familiar, all she had to do was put her arms around his neck and it would be like coming home, but she couldn't do it. She forced herself to pull away.

"I have to go."

"Joss, wait."

"I can't. You take care, John."

* * *

Reese returned to the library that very evening. He was greeted by Bear who obviously missed him and he spent a fair amount of time petting him and tossing the ball back and forth to him before presenting him with his treat; a doggy Danish.

Finch looked at him curiously noting the change in him, but he didn't ask him what had happened to cause it.

"It's good to have you back, Mr. Reese." Was all he said regarding his seclusion over the last two and a half days. "Time to get back to work."

They discussed their new number and over the next few days, things returned to normal. He felt the blood pumping in his veins again, he felt his sense of purpose return to him and he started thinking about the things he wanted.

He knew he wanted Carter back in his life. He realized he wanted her now more than anything. But he listened to her talk to Thompson over dinner about the trip they were about to go on next week and he knew he was running out of time.

Thompson had been incredibly patient but he was ready to take the next step in their relationship. He couldn't let it happen. He wouldn't.

He knew he should stop following her and stop listening to her conversations, but it had become almost habit now and he couldn't seem to help it.

He heard the sadness in her voice as she talked to her mother one night about a house she'd found. She thought it was perfect for her and Taylor, good neighborhood, a spacious back yard and the mortgage would have been perfect. But someone else had bought it out from underneath her and she was back to square one.

Taylor had been excited about it too and she didn't look forward to telling him the bad news. He wished he was there to comfort her then, be a shoulder for her to cry on if she wanted. But suddenly he had a better idea.

He dialed Finch's number.

"Yes, Mr. Reese?"

"Finch, I need a favour."


	8. Chapter 8

Nearly three months, Martin thought.

It had been nearly three months since some miracle had thrown him in Jocelyn Carter's path on Valentine's Day at that bar and now she was here sitting in his apartment with her feet propped up in his lap.

He wondered if it had been fate that had brought them together. It had to have been. Nobody else had commanded his attention, his mind or his interest as she had. She was beautiful in so many ways. Physically he was attracted to her every curve, her smile, and her eyes; mentally she was intelligent and intellectually stimulating. She was well rounded and he was fascinated by almost everything about her.

She had flat out told him that she wasn't interested in a relationship, serious or casual, but he'd asked her out anyway. He told her he could be patient. And he had been. He surprised himself by how patient he truly was. He attributed that to her. He'd never waited this long for a woman, he'd never had to. But for her, Jocelyn Carter, he wanted to.

When he first asked her out, she turned him down and he assumed that she was seeing someone. When he saw the sad look on her face at the bar on Valentine's Day, his suspicions were confirmed. He wondered at the man who had broken her heart. He wondered what kind of man he was that had made her hesitant to get involved again. Whoever he was, he was the cause of the stunted growth in their fledgling relationship.

It was struggling, he admitted to himself. She was here sitting with her feet in his lap, sharing tales about her son, but they were not moving forward. He wanted to know her, really know her and he wondered what it would take for her to trust him and take the next step.

"Taylor sounds like a great kid. I'd like to meet him one day." He said, massaging her feet.

She averted her eyes then, taking a sip from the wine glass in her hands. He smiled, knowing this was a topic she most likely wanted to avoid. He decided they were going to have it anyway.

"Why haven't I met him yet, Joss? Have you told him about me? I mean I've only ever seen your place when he isn't there. Am I your dirty little secret?"

"Of course not, Martin. It's just that…..I think it's a little too soon."

"Too soon for him or too soon for you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've never rushed you, you know that. But I kinda get the feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's almost like you don't expect us to last. You don't want him to meet me in case things fall apart and you don't want him to get hurt."

She pulled her feet out of his grasp, out of his lap and drew them underneath her on the couch. She looked at him and he could see that his words had struck home.

"Who was he?"

He watched as she put the wine glass on the coffee table and walked over to the window. The view outside kept her gaze for a long time and she didn't speak. He had been patient, but this conversation was well overdue.

"Whoever he was, he hurt you. I know it. I can feel it. It's why you're keeping me at arm's length. You're afraid to be hurt again, you're afraid your son will be hurt again. I understand." He walked over to her and stood in the back of her, but she didn't turn around. He slowly slid his hands around her waist. "I won't hurt you, Jocelyn. I care about you, a lot. Actually, I'm…..I'm falling in love with you."

She turned around in his arms and she put her hand on his cheek. "Martin…"

"I know you're not there yet Jocelyn. But I'm asking you to give me a chance. Open yourself up to me. I won't hurt you."

* * *

Carter could feel him in the back of her as she stood at the window. Indecision was running all through her right now. It had been almost three months of dinners, movies, plays and spending an endless amount of time together. They should be moving forward shouldn't they?

She listened as he told her he was falling in love with her. She listened as he told her that he wouldn't hurt her and she believed him.

She thought of Reese and the way he'd held her right before he left her apartment. Yes he still desired her, but he was still dealing with issues from his past, he had problems committing to her. He hadn't mentioned anything about working things out in months. Why shouldn't she give Martin a chance?

Why shouldn't she be open like he asked?

She put a hand on his cheek. She looked into his eyes and she was scared, but she couldn't let her fear control her.

She pressed a kiss to his lips, softly ever so softly and felt his hands about her waist. She put her arms around his neck and her mouth opened under his. His tongue became hungry, seeking, and greedy on hers and he walked them backward to the couch where he pulled her down on top of him.

His mouth found her neck and she allowed him to explore it, throwing her head back as his lips touched the flesh there. His hands moved up to cup her breasts while his lips found hers once more and he slowly eased his tongue in. She felt his thumbs teasing her nipples and she could feel his warm breath as he bit down on her bottom lip. Memories of Reese crept into her mind, but she closed her eyes tightly trying to block them out.

She could forget him couldn't she?

A soft moan escaped her throat as his hands ran up and down her spine and he pulled at the straps of her dress kissing her bare shoulder.

"Jocelyn…." He moaned her name and he was about to move the other strap of her dress when his cell phone rang.

His head snapped up abruptly and he cursed under his breath. "Just leave it." She said.

"I can't. That's my work phone and it's for emergencies." She moved off of his lap and watched him pick it up. "I'm sorry I have to take this. Excuse me." He stepped into the other room and came back a few minutes later after what sounded like a heated conversation.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

"No." He said. "I can't give you any details, but all of the partners are meeting for an emergency. It's one of our clients who have us on retainer." He gathered her into his arms and kissed her. "I'm so sorry Jocelyn. I'll take you home."

"It's okay." She said getting into her shoes. She took his hand and they walked out together.

O0o0o0o

Such a gentleman, Reese thought as he watched Thompson walk Carter to her front door again. They hadn't gone inside together, but he was kissing her goodbye. Except that this kiss was unlike the others. It was more passionate, more intimate, and more personal. He watched as Thompson's hands explored Carter's body, how she clung to him more than before. Their kiss was so deep, filled with longing; he imagined Thompson's tongue inside her mouth. The very thought made him furious.

He was furious and he was jealous. He wondered just how far they'd gone tonight.

He wondered if he was too late.

* * *

Carter got off the elevator at the 23rd floor and walked into the offices of Banks, McKinney & Thompson. She went to the back where Martin's offices were and his secretary told her she could go in. He was finishing up a meeting, but he was expecting her.

She opened the door, and he got up as soon as she got entered. He came round his desk to greet her, with a huge smile on his face.

"I hope I'm not interrupting." She said.

"Not at all, Martin and I are pretty much done here." She spun round at the sound of a familiar female voice and came face to face with Zoe Morgan. She was dressed in a fiery red designer coat and high black pumps and her hair fell is soft waves over her shoulders. She had a smile on her face like the cat that ate the canary.

"Detective Carter. So nice to see you again." Said Zoe, extending her hand and she took it, wondering just why she was here and how she knew Martin. Their short meeting outside the high rise before the bank robbery hadn't afforded her the opportunity to study the woman at length, but she took the time to look at her now that they were a mere few feet apart.

She had good looks. She was stylishly put together and she had the confidence of a woman who knew she was pleasing to the eye. She also sensed that she was a woman who had no problems using her looks and figure to her advantage if necessary. But beyond that, she was resourceful, intelligent and was good at what she did. She had to be if both John and Martin knew her.

She wondered just what business deal had kept John's '_other wife'_ from keeping the date with him at the charity event.

"It's nice to see _you_, Zoe."

"How do you two know each other?" Martin asked.

"We met briefly through a….mutual _friend_ a few months ago. But I never forget a face or a name."

"A talent that must come in quite handy, I'm sure." Carter said.

"Actually it does, in many ways. Martin, I'll get back to you on that matter we discussed."

"Thank you, Zoe." Said Martin and walked her to the door.

"Detective." she said before leaving.

"Zoe."

She waited until the door was closed before she turned to Martin.

"Just how do you know her?"

"She's in crisis management. Our firm uses her from time to time. Please don't tell me you're jealous."

"Of her?"

"Yes of her. It's like a green monster appeared on your shoulder as soon as you saw her. What's going on?"

"Nothing. Are we still on for tonight?" She asked trying to change the subject quickly.

"I'm sorry. But we have a really big case here, and that's going to take up a lot of my time for the next few days. I have to take a rain check for later this week." She was wrapped up in his arms again and he was kissing her neck. "But I am going to miss you."

"Yeah? How much?" She teased as his lips teased hers.

"This much."

* * *

Carter called Taylor to tell him that he would have the pleasure of her company tonight since Martin had cancelled. She was surprised to hear how happy he was with the news. He said he was bringing company for dinner and would be home shortly. She didn't feel like cooking and stopped off to get two pizzas and some wings before she got home.

She was doing a balancing act with the pizzas and wings in one hand and was fumbling with her house keys in the other when the door suddenly swung open.

"Need some help with those?" Asked Reese taking the boxes out of her hand.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hey mom, I invited John over for dinner. You did say it was okay." She heard his voice from the hallway as she climbed the last step and came inside the house.

"You said you were brining a _friend_ over for dinner Taylor." She said staring at Reese, who raised his eyebrows at her, a smirk on his face.

"Well he is a _friend_ of the family. And we haven't had him over for a while. I thought it'd be nice to hang out, just like old times."

"I'm sure." She said and took her coat off, putting it the closet.

"Tough day at work, Joss?" She turned to him as he made the comment. It'd been about a week since she'd seen him last, when she practically fled from his apartment. She remembered the kiss just like it was yesterday, and felt her responding to him again. Just having him near her was unnerving. She knew this was going to be the longest family dinner she'd had in a while.

Over pizza, she let him and Taylor do most of the talking. And talk they did; about school, his classes, the colleges he thought about going to, even a brief conversation about this girl Taylor was interested in. She couldn't believe it. Prior to now, she hadn't even been able to pry the girl's name out of her son's mouth, but here he was spilling his whole love story to Reese. It was amazing.

When Taylor said he was going to his room, she looked at his devilish smile as he walked down the hallway.

"Don't you think it's rude to leave your invited guest and go to your room?" She asked.

"Nope. I'm not worried. He's in good hands." His room door closed behind him, but she could swear she heard laughter before he cut his TV on.

Reese was watching her as she cleaned up the boxes, taking them in the kitchen. He got up to help her and loaded everything into the trash.

"Hope you didn't mind the unexpected company too much." He said looking at her.

"Of course I didn't. I was just surprised."

"Taylor just called and invited me over. He said you didn't think you'd mind."

"You two would have been on your own actually, my plans got cancelled at the last minute."

She got a beer out of the fridge and handed him one too.

"Plans with Martin." He said quietly leaning on the counter. She nodded her head and stood next to him, leaning on the counter too. She put the bottle to her lips and took a drink.

"I miss you, Joss."

"John…no."

"I miss Taylor. I miss pizza night, and watching the game. I miss holding you, and I miss waking up next to you."

"Don't do this." She turned to leave, but he blocked her path.

"I miss you, Joss."

"John, I'm glad to see you're doing better. Really I am. But I gave you chances on two separate occasions to work things out. You shut me down. I won't get hurt again, and I have to think about Taylor."

"I won't hurt you again."

"No, you won't. Because I refuse to get on this merry go round with you another time."

"I know what I want now Joss."

"For months you didn't know what you wanted. Now one week goes by and everything's suddenly clear?"

"Seeing you again made me realize how…how stupid I was."

"What do you want? For me to just take you back? You think it's going to be that simple?"

Her heart was breaking. For months he was the one who was afraid, now it seemed it was her turn. She told herself she was simply being cautious. She was scared of being hurt again. And he seemed to do it so easily.

"No. I know it's not that simple. But whatever it takes, however long it takes, I'll do whatever it is that I have to do. Because, because I love you."

He rested his hands on her shoulder and kissed the top of her head, letting his lips linger there. She knew he wanted to hold her and a part of her wanted him to. When he finally walked out of the kitchen and went to get his coat she felt a mixture of sadness and relief that he had done so.

He put his coat on and pulled a small box out of his pocket, handing it to her.

"What's this?" She asked taking it.

"It's your Christmas gift. I've had it for months." She was speechless, not knowing what she should say to that. He gave her a crooked smile and said goodnight.

She locked the door after him, and walked to her bedroom with the box still in her hand. She didn't even want to guess what it could be.

…_**whatever it takes, however long it takes, I'll do whatever it is that I have to do…because I love you….**_

What was he doing to her? She thought in frustration. She was trying to move on.

She heard her bedroom door open and tucked the box under her pillow.

"Did John leave already?"

"You trying to play matchmaker young man? Is that what you're up to?" She asked.

"I just thought it'd be a good idea for you two to…..spend some time together."

"And just what gave you that idea?" She said looking at him from head to toe.

"He misses you mom."

"Taylor….."

"You miss him too."

Her mild annoyance at him lessened at bit at his genuine expression.

"Baby I love you. You know that, but stay outta my business."

He smiled and turned to leave. "Don't deny it."

"Stay outta my business."

She lay there for a while afterwards and finally got up, reaching for the box. Sighing she opened it to see what was inside. Her hand flew to her mouth when she saw just what they were; a pair of 1ct. diamond earrings, princess cut. She didn't know what to say.

"John…."

* * *

"What time did she say she would meet you, Finch?" He'd been waiting at '_**Stacy's'**_ for about fifteen minutes for Zoe to show up, but he hadn't seen her. He didn't want to be here with Zoe, this was the place he and Carter had come to after the charity event. There were too many memories here.

"She should be there any minute, Mr. Reese, I'm sure. The meeting should be brief. Apologize to her for me, but I have an appointment tonight that I can't cancel." Finch hung up and Reese watched the entrance. A few minutes later she appeared and she saw him as soon as she came in. She walked over to him sliding into one of the high backed stools at the bar.

"Nice place Harold picked out." She said. "Buy me a drink?"

She sipped on the Bourbon when it came and looked at him slyly over the rim of her glass. He couldn't help contrasting this meeting to the others they had over the last few months. Before he'd been eager to see her, be in her company, but this time was quite different. Now he didn't want to linger, he wanted to get the information Finch needed and leave.

"Well you're looking even more grim than usual. What's got you so tense?"

* * *

Zoe looked at the tension in John's hand as he clutched his glass, the thinned line of his mouth and the distant look in his eye. He seemed to have something on his mind. Or rather, _someone_. She'd spent years studying people, their body language, their tone of voice, something as inconsequential as the movement of the eyes could tell her so much. She could read people well; it was an effective tool in her line of work.

Zoe smiled. _Someone_ was occupying John's thoughts in a big way. She'd put money on it, but she guessed he had some real feelings for this woman whoever she was. She thought of their last encounter, the almost desperate way he pounded into her, his frenzied lovemaking almost as if he was running away from something. She had sensed something was off.

Though he was different, he had still made sure she was satisfied, so she had no complaints. But now it all seemed clear to her.

It made no difference she thought. They were the only two people here tonight. And he was looking especially handsome. She ran her fingers slowly across his.

"Want to give me a ride home after we're done here?"

* * *

Carter sat in a booth with Martin, trying to enjoy her drink and his company. He'd been able to take a few hours off from work and he'd taken her to '_**Stacy's'**_ the same restaurant and lounge she'd been in with Reese all those months back. They had been in a booth just like this one that night, and he'd taken her back to his place.

They were waiting for their meal, when she looked over at the bar and spotted Reese and Zoe having a drink together. Her heart stopped momentarily and she couldn't hear anything Martin was saying anymore. Her glass that had been to her lips was put back on the table and she hadn't realized it, but she was holding her breath.

_**I'm Zoe, John's wife.**_

The words rang out in her ears, as she watched Zoe touch him, put her hand over his, ran her finger along his jaw line in an extremely familiar way. He didn't shrink back from her touch. And when she put a hand on his face, he moved her hand away, but held it in his own.

He was sleeping with her.

It hit her. It hit her hard like a big Mack truck and she couldn't breathe right now.

He was sleeping with her.

He'd just been in her kitchen this very week telling her how much he missed her and loved her. And here he was in '_**Stacy's'**_ having drinks and probably planning on taking her back to his place, where she'd spend the night. Her breath caught in her throat.

She thought about them in John's bed, on his couch, in the shower. Too many images were running through her mind right now and she fought hard to control the emotions that were threatening to overtake her.

He was sleeping with her, her mind screamed.

"Jocelyn. Are you okay?"

What the hell kind of question was that? She wanted to scream. She was far from okay.

"No. No Martin, I'm not."

* * *

Finishing off her drink, Zoe put her glass down and looked around for the bartender. She wanted another. She glimpsed Martin and Carter at the back of the restaurant.

"Oh, look John. There's your friend, the Detective."

Reese looked in the direction of where she motioned and though it was just a flicker, she didn't miss the look of utter panic that momentarily crossed his face.

Things had just gotten interesting, she thought.

* * *

Carter watched as Martin waved to Zoe and he walked over to briefly say hello. She watched as Zoe introduced Reese and Martin to each other and she watched them exchange pleasantries.

She felt incredibly open right now, she felt stupid and she literally felt nauseous.

She couldn't stand it anymore and she collected her clutch and walked to the front door of the restaurant. She could feel Reese's eyes on her as she stepped out into the night and soon afterwards she heard Martin's voice behind her, his footsteps quickening behind her as she walked into the street. If he hadn't called her name she probably would have continued moving.

"Jocelyn!"

"Martin, I'm sorry but I need you to take me home."

"What is it?"

"Martin, I really don't feel well. I need to leave. Please."

"Okay. Let me just take care of the bill. I'll be right back." He went back inside and she watched as Reese and Zoe came outside. They both got into Reese's car and pulled off.

She felt like an idiot.

And she felt more alone than she had when he kicked her out of his apartment last year.

* * *

Reese got to Zoe's apartment in record time, and she noticed that as he went down the driveway and pulled up to the front door, he left the engine on. She looked at his profile as he stared off into the distance, the clenched jaw, and she knew his mind was elsewhere.

"You're not coming in are you?"

He turned to her, not answering but the look in his eyes said everything.

She laughed at his expression.

"Shame really. But you have some unfinished business to take care of." She got out of the car, getting her coat and bag. "Good night, John. And good luck. I think you're going to need it."

* * *

Carter spent the ride home in silence. The queasiness in her stomach had subsided for the most part and she felt a little better physically. Her emotions were in turmoil right now and she didn't know how she was supposed to feel.

Martin had been such a sweetheart. He even stopped to a drug store to buy her something to calm her stomach. She took it, giving him a smile that didn't reach her eyes. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She was shaking on the inside.

He walked her up to her front door and hugged her before kissing her goodnight. He promised to call in the morning to find out if she was better. She said all the appropriate things, but truthfully she wanted him to leave so she could let out all the things she was feeling right now.

She threw her house keys down on the table by the door and leaned against the wall letting out a ragged sigh. She saw movement by the window and quickly cut the light on. Reese was standing in her living room. Her stomach lurched at the sight of him.

"Joss…"

"What are you doing here?" she asked as he came toward her and put a hand up to stop him. He could see that she was angry. And yes, she realized she was angry with him.

"I want to explain."

"Explain what?"

"It's not what it looked like back there at the restaurant."

"You mean your little display with your '_other wife'_?"

"It's not what you think it was."

"Then what was it?"

"It was a business meeting. She was giving me information on a case."

"Come on. She had her hands all over you and you didn't seem to mind one bit." He reached out to touch her arm, but she slapped it away.

"She…"

"Are you sleeping with her John?" She looked up at him hoping the answer was no, but deep down she knew it was yes.

"She doesn't mean anything to me." He said quietly.

"Are you sleeping with her, John?" She repeated, her eyes filling with tears now.

"I don't care about her, Joss."

"You're not answering my question, John! Did you sleep with her?" He looked away for a moment and she wondered if he would lie to her. She saw him take a deep breath before he looked at her again and she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. John had never lied to her and the look on his face said that he was about to tell her the truth, a truth that she wasn't going to like at all.

"Yes." He admitted quietly.

"Get out." She said.

"I love you." he said desperately.

"Get out." She said walking away from him, but he walked behind her, grabbing her by the waist and pulled her to his chest.

"Let me go, John." She said trying to move his hand, but he wouldn't loosen his grip.

"Joss please. She doesn't mean anything to me. I love you."

She turned around to push him away, but ended up pinned against the wall with his face buried in her neck.

Tears were coming down her face now and she tried to wipe at them. She pushed at his chest, pushed at his shoulders, but he wouldn't budge.

"I can't live without you, Joss. I love you." Her ears were filled with his pleadings, whispers from his lips as he pressed them against her temple, her cheek, until he pressed his mouth onto hers. His hands moved over her shoulder and he cupped her face in his hands. He sucked at her lips, hungrily, seeking to reassure her that he didn't care about anyone else.

She knew it was what he was trying to do. And she felt the sting of his admission yelling in her mind, insistent that she push him away.

His hands moved down her arms, and she started to tingle inside. Her body recognized his hands as the source of her pleasure, relaxed under them as they travelled across her stomach. His hands moved lower and his fingers grabbed at the hem of her dress pushing it up to caress her thighs.

She moaned, and he whispered her name as he kissed the side of her mouth. Slowly, he drew the dress up to her waist and his hands moved inside her panties to splay his fingers over her butt. Carter felt his erection, pushing against his pants, sliding against her.

He bent his head down kissing her neck, her collarbone, running his tongue over it.

Lower he went, kissing her through her dress, the area between her breasts, her stomach until he knelt before her pulling her panties down to her ankles.

"I love you, Joss." She heard him say as he looked up at her.

He spread her legs and moved one of them over his shoulder and she held onto him for balance pressing her back into the wall. She moaned loud and deep as he ran his tongue across her opening.

She could feel his breath on her, the combination of it flowing over her was smooth and warm and his wet mouth made her weak. His tongue moved slowly inside her, parting her folds, moving inside her, against her walls, creating patterns of pure sensation within her.

She felt wave after wave of pleasure overtake her as he sucked on her clit, running his tongue around it in circles, back and forth, driving her crazy. His fingers bit into her butt as he pulled her closer to his face and she slid herself back and forth over his mouth and tongue. She moved her hands over her breasts and squeezed her nipples hard, closing her eyes and throwing her head backwards.

She heard him groan and he pushed his tongue inside her again. She was trembling and her legs were weak. She fisted her hands in his short hair and felt she was about to collapse and she felt her walls begin to vibrate. She bucked against him wildly then, her whole body shaking, trembling uncontrollably as she started to come on his tongue.

She couldn't stop the cries that ripped past her throat; she couldn't stop herself from calling his name.

* * *

His cock was hard as a rock.

Her scent was in his nostrils, on his tongue, and he licked his lips as he stood to his feet. He unfastened his belt and unzipped his pants, pulling his shaft out. It was slick and wet.

He kissed her shoulder still holding onto her waist to steady her. Her breathing was fast, her chest was heaving, she was still experiencing the aftershocks of her orgasm. He cupped her face in his hands.

"I love you, Joss." He whispered to her again before he claimed her mouth, pressing himself into her, taking her hand and wrapping it around his cock. She put her arm around his neck and he picked her up, taking her into the bedroom. He pulled the dress over her head and got out of his clothes.

He sucked at the tender flesh of her neck, then let his tongue move down to her collarbone. His hands found her breasts and he squeezed her nipples letting him harden between his fingers. She moaned and arched her back toward him, then he moved to the other breast, drawing it into his mouth, sucking on it, bathing it with his tongue.

"Joss…."

He kissed her all the way down to her belly, and he felt it tremble under his mouth. She writhed underneath him, grabbing onto his skin, pulling at him, to bring him closer.

This is what he missed, her passion, her desire that perfectly matched his own. He missed giving her pleasure, he missed the pleasure it gave him.

He moved between her legs, and put both his arms under her knees drawing them up over his shoulders and he plunged himself inside her. He heard her gasp as he went in deep, deep to the hilt. He stayed still inside her, not moving and watched the look on her face as he rocked side to side within her stretching her out. She looked like she was in pure ecstasy.

She wanted him to move, she wanted to feel him, but he ground into her slowly, touching her walls ever so slightly, getting comfortable in the place he called home.

"John…." She cried desperately grabbing onto his back. And he started to stroke her, deep and long, rocking her back and forth. She felt so good inside, so good and soft just like he remembered and he moved inside her a few more times before pulling out.

"John….." she protested and he plunged back again, this time moving faster, more forcefully, with more passion. He tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling her by the neck closer for his kiss. His tongue slid over hers, and he kissed her, allowing her no air to breathe, allowing nothing to come between his lips and hers. He reached for her hands and linked their fingers together as he plunged inside her hard putting his weight behind every thrust.

He was lost inside her, tremors running all through his body and he clenched his jaw at the feel of her squeezing him tightly. This was better than he remembered. So much better and he never wanted to be parted from her again.

He loved this woman, so much and he needed to connect with her again. He needed her to know how much he loved her.

* * *

Carter felt like she was being swallowed up. He was too deep, she thought, yet it was just right. She felt like she was being consumed by him. She felt as if he had been waiting to do this since the day she'd first left his apartment.

Just as she had. And now she felt herself travelling to the highest wave of pleasure. She was being carried out to sea. And she felt herself floating on a crashing surge as her body began to tremble once more. She bit into his shoulder, her orgasm overtaking her. A guttural moan passed her throat and she felt him thrust into her powerfully one more time and linger inside as he too had finally found relief.

But as high as she had climbed with pleasure she felt immediately overwhelmed with pain. Images of Zoe and John together flashed before her once more. Him touching Zoe the way he'd just touched her. Her orgasm on his mouth. Everything they might have shared was suddenly before her eyes. She started to cry and she couldn't stop.

"Joss…..Joss…"

He tried to console her, but she pushed him away.

"Joss, talk to me, please."

But she couldn't speak, she couldn't get a word out, he tried to hold her, but she couldn't let him. She felt ashamed for still wanting him after all this time. For wanting him after he admitted to being with someone else.

"Joss…please….." his hand was on her shoulder, but she felt as if she'd been burned. She got up quickly and kept her back to him.

"I need you to leave."

"Joss, let's talk about this…"

"I can't, John. I need you to _**leave**_. Please." The last word was barely a whisper, but she prayed he would hear her and listen. The tears continued to fall as she heard him get dressed reluctantly in the back of her.

For a long time he stood next to her waiting for her to speak, but she couldn't. She couldn't even look at him.

"John, go!"

Finally he left and she heard the front door close behind him.

The silence after he left was deafening.

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER

Carter's smile was wide and Martin looked at her wondering who she was talking to on the phone. They were in the airport waiting to board their flight, which was set to leave in another fifteen minutes.

"Really? That is the best news I've had in a long time. Thank you so much Mr. Andrews. I'll stop by your office as soon as I get back."

_**This is our final boarding call for passengers travelling to Philadelphia Pennsylvania on Flight….**_

"That's us, baby. Let's go." Said Martin, as he pulled Carter up from her seat. "Who was that on the phone?"

"The loan officer at the bank. I just got some great news about the house I wanted. The buyer backed out at the last minute and now the seller is offering a reduced price to get rid of it. Looks like I might get it after all." She said smiling at the ticket agent and grabbed Martin's hand as they went through the gate.

"This trip is off to a good start already."


	9. Chapter 9

_Focus, Jocelyn, just focus._

That's what she told herself as she stood side by side with Reese the very next day after they made love and she kicked him out of her apartment.

_This isn't the time to think about last night,_ she thought as they opened fire on a gang of smugglers and she shot one in the chest. If she blocked out the last few months, it really would have been just like old times. Back when they trusted each other, depended on each other, and in many ways needed each other. Now she didn't feel like she knew just who she was standing next to.

At the end of it all, when the arrests were made and statements taken, he asked to see her. She knew he wanted to talk about last night. She didn't know if she could look at him right now, much less talk, but she agreed to meet him anyway.

He sat across from her in Lyric Café fidgeting with his napkin, ordering her a cup of coffee and looking at her with imploring eyes.

"How are you?" He asked.

She didn't answer his question, but she was sure her expression was telling. She watched as he looked away, closing his eyes slowly. His eyelashes swept over his cheek bones as he started to explain.

"You left me, and…"

"You kicked me out." She interrupted and he paused mid sentence.

"I pushed you away, you started dating Thompson and I….I made a mistake."

She took a deep breath, amazed because he thought it was that simple. She shook her head at him, but he continued.

"I don't love her. It didn't mean anything to me….." His voice was barely above a whisper, gravelly and he sounded like he was searching for the right thing to say. There were tears in his eyes and she listened as he spoke. A huge part of her believed that he was being honest, that he did in fact love her, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"You know it's funny. You think that because she meant nothing to you and all you two shared was sex that it somehow makes it an easier pill to swallow. But it doesn't John. It still hurts, in fact I feel even worse now than I did before."

"Joss…."

"If you had a problem with me dating Martin, why didn't you come to me?"

"I couldn't. I was still…."

"You were still afraid." She finished for him. She hated the look on his face. She hated that he was pleading with his eyes. She hated the resolute line of his mouth. She hated that even now after finding out about Zoe, she still loved him. "What you should have done was come to me instead of looking for someone else. Instead of fighting for what you wanted, you took the easy way out. I wanted to work it out even after you pushed me out of your life. For months I waited. You never came. I wanted you, John. I loved you. But now…."

"Please, just…let me make it up to you. Tell me what I can do."

He slid his hand across the table, gripping her hand.

"I don't think there's anything you _can_ do. It's over, John." She felt his grip on her hand getting tighter. "I'm leaving with Martin tomorrow morning."

"No, Joss. Don't."

"I think it's time we cut all our ties, John. Professionally and with…..'whatever this is'…."

His cell phone rang interrupting whatever he was just about to say. He was pissed as he answered it. "I'll be right there, Finch."

"You gotta go. And so do I. I hope you're happy with Zoe…..or…..I have to go." She got out of the booth, but he held onto her hand.

"Let me go, John. It's been enough. I can't do this anymore. I won't."

He stood up next to her and looked at her with the most determined gaze. His voice was soft but unwavering. "I don't want you to go away with Thompson. But I'll be here when you get back. I meant what I said when I told you I'd do whatever it takes, however long it takes. I meant that. I still want you and I'm not giving you up."

O0o0o0o

_What had he done?_ Reese thought as he watched Carter walk out the café. The tender, loving way she used to look at him was replaced with a cold gaze, and she looked as if she was still reeling from his confession last night. He remembered her face when he answered her question.

_**Did you sleep with her?**_

He was desperate to regain her trust, but he wondered how possible it was after she pushed him away right after they'd made love.

Reese had felt helpless when he saw the tears coming down her cheeks and realized he'd hurt her more deeply than he imagined or ever intended. The pain on her face cut him deep, and deeper still as she hadn't allowed him to console her.

How could he fix this? She was pushing him away, retreating into herself and she wanted nothing to do with him. Despite the fact that they'd made love, his words, his intentions, nothing mattered now because all she could think about was him and Zoe.

He wished he could make her see that she was the only woman he loved, the only woman he desired, the only woman he couldn't live without. He couldn't imagine what she was feeling. But the pain and hurt on her face last night mirrored his own inner turmoil. He was dying inside too.

He put on his clothes, got back into his suit and left as she asked. He didn't want to go, but there was nothing more he could do. He swore under his breath as he got into the car and hit the steering wheel hard with his hand. Hindsight was truly 20/20. His nights spent with Zoe, a good escape at the time, were more examples of his bad judgment and not thinking of the consequences of his actions.

How could he fix this?

He knew as far as what had happened with Zoe, he couldn't change the past. He couldn't erase it no matter how much he wanted to. The only thing he could try to do is win back her trust and her faith in him.

He shook his head at how much the tables had turned. She had asked him over and repeatedly to trust her all during their relationship. He told her that he did, but in truth, he didn't trust her enough to love him when he felt he didn't deserve it. Now he was the one who needed her trust. He needed her to trust that despite everything he still loved her and always would.

He wanted her to know that her heart could be safe with him.

O0o0o0o

Finch watched Reese as he sat next to him, arms crossed as he showed him the photos of the house that Carter had wanted to buy. Over the last few days he'd asked him to acquire it from the person who bought it out from under her just a few short weeks ago. Reese had been determined to get it back for her no matter the cost. He hadn't seen him so single minded about something in a long time.

"It's done as you requested. I've already spoken to the bank manager. They're drawing up the papers as we speak. She'll get the house she wanted for a fraction of the cost it was before."

"And the mortgage payments?" Asked Reese staring at Finch.

"Significantly decreased. They should call her sometime today or tomorrow."

"Thank you, Finch." Reese got up and started to walk out, putting on his coat.

"Mr. Reese….." He called after him and he stopped mid stride.

"Don't you think she's going to suspect something?"

"I've considered that, yes. But…it's your job to make sure she doesn't find out anything." He watched as Reese left the room, his steps down the staircase echoing in the library. He hoped the plan didn't backfire.

O0o0o0o

Getting the house had been the first step, Reese thought. Even though he'd thought about it before they'd slept together, it was something he knew she needed. Though the owner was reluctant, they'd persuaded him to sell it.

He knew she'd be furious if she found out, but he felt it was the right thing to do. She deserved it after everything she'd been through and so did Taylor.

And now she was going away with Thompson. It ate at him, the thought of her in another man's arms. This is how she must have felt after finding out about Zoe. If she felt half as bad as he did, he wished somehow he could make up for it. He wanted to see her.

She said they were through, but he wasn't going to accept it. He couldn't. He needed her, he wanted her and the fierce desire to be with her is what compelled him to call her again and again.

His calls went unanswered however, and he grew very familiar with the sound of her voicemail.

O0o0o0o

Martin watched as Carter sent another call to voicemail and put her phone back on the table. That had been four calls so far. All she'd done was check the caller ID but she didn't answer. Whoever it was, she was obviously avoiding them. She took another forkful of the salmon on her plate and pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary, but he knew otherwise. She'd been withdrawn all evening. She was pleasant, engaged him in conversation, but something was wrong.

"Is everything okay, Jocelyn?"

She nodded her head between mouthfuls and waved her hand dismissively.

"Everything's fine." She said.

"You're nervous about the trip aren't you? Don't be. We're going to have a great time. I've got it all planned. I have meetings for a few hours, but the driver can take you around if you want to go do some shopping. We can have an early dinner and there's a Mural art show over on Vine's Street we can check out after. You won't be bored."

"Sounds like fun." She said and grinned and he reached over holding her hand.

"I'm so glad you're coming with me." He said tracing his fingers along her palm. She gazed down at his hands on hers and she looked pensive for a moment before looking up at him with a smile.

"I am too."

O0o0o0o

Reese was in a foul mood. He woke up feeling especially angry and realized by his second coffee of the morning that it was because Carter was travelling with Thompson today. In fact their plane would have landed by now, he thought looking at his watch and they'd already be in Philadelphia.

He wondered if they'd go straight to the hotel, what their plans were for the day. He pretended to concentrate and focus; there was a new number after all. But he was more than distracted.

He called Zoe, waiting impatiently as the phone rang and when she picked up he was annoyed with himself for calling. They met at a small diner nearby and she looked amused as she sat across from him.

"John, what a surprise. I didn't expect to see you so soon. How did things work out for you the other night?" She asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"I need some information Zoe."

"Hmmmm…..avoiding my question. That leads me to believe things didn't go well for you at all. Lover's tiff?"

"Zoe…."

"You want something from me, what do I get in return?" She asked and ran her finger along his hand on the table.

"The chance to help out a friend."

"We're friends are we? Is that what you'd call us?"

He was silent for a moment and let out a sigh. He wished there were some lines he never crossed with her. But truthfully he was frustrated with himself; she had nothing to do with his foul mood or the situation he was in. He'd created it all himself.

"Fine. What do you need to know?" she withdrew her hand and sipped on her coffee.

"Thompson. What's his story? How long have you known him?"

"He's a client. I work for his law firm from time to time."

"And…..?"

"He's as clean as they come, John. But I'm sure you already know that. In the six years that I've known him he honestly doesn't have that much dirty laundry."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm insulted you'd ask. Martin's as clean as they come. If you're looking at painting him as some evil villain to impress your…this won't do it."

O0o0o

Zoe was amazed. She had thought that it was impossible for anyone to penetrate the thick wall Reese had erected around himself. He seemed broken beyond repair. In fact she told him herself that she didn't think there was any woman who would be able to fix him. She realized now she was wrong.

And she'd underestimated the Detective. She'd watched her and John and the ease and familiarity in which they spoke when she'd had to spend those awful days with him in the suburbs. Little did she know back then that the detective had been working her way underneath John's very skin. And she was stuck there, embedded like a tattoo. She wasn't going anywhere.

He played it cool, she thought, but underneath, in his eyes she could see he was worried. He wouldn't ask her about Martin if he wasn't. He was literally grasping at straws.

He paid for their drinks and he left and she silently wished him luck.

She didn't have time for love. Not when there was power and influence and oh so much fun to be had. But if John was in love, then she hoped he'd be successful in holding on to it.

She finished her coffee, slipped out of the booth and walked out into the New York street.

O0o0o0o

"Not a bad move, John." The laugh lines around the old man's eyes appeared and he smiled wide. "Are you sure that's the one you want to make?"

"I think so, Han." Said Reese smiling back at him and waited for him to make a move in return. He hadn't stopped by to play Xiangqi with his old friend in a long time. And even though he had a new number, he needed to stop for just a moment.

"You seem distracted. Something on your mind?"

Reese smiled again. The man may be blind, but he had no problem _seeing_ things at all. Maybe it's why he wandered here today.

"What do you do, Han when you finally know what you want, but it's not so easy to get it anymore?"

"Well this is something new." Said Han moving another piece on the board. "I've never heard you talk about a woman the whole time I've known you. She must be something special."

"Who mentioned a woman?"

"Why you did, John."

Reese watched as Mr. Han moved a chess piece off the board. He was winning.

******"There's an old Chinese fairy tale that takes place during the Tang Dynasty about a young man who travelled to the capital for a test. But he ended up….falling in love instead. He met this young woman under a peach blossom tree. Her clothes were plain, but she had beautiful dark hair, dark round eyes and…..she smiled at him. She noticed he looked sad and she asked him if he needed help."

Reese squinted his eyes at Mr. Han, wondering if his old friend was pulling his leg. But how could he have been? He never mentioned Carter to him once or what she said to him the first time they met.

He moved another piece on the board and listened as Han continued.

"He was speechless of course, why would a girl of such beauty be interested in helping him? He was a stranger, yes, but when he asked her for some water, she happily obliged. Over and over he took from her, and she asked nothing in return. In the end, he couldn't ask for what he really wanted and he left, even though he felt deeply for her. It wasn't until sometime later that he realized he loved her and wanted to be with her. So, he travelled back to the town, looking for her, only to find that she had left and married another man. Unfortunately for him, it was too late."

Han moved the last piece on the board into the winning position. "Have you heard the story before?" He asked quietly, leaning on the back of the bench.

"It's vaguely familiar." He admitted. "Are you telling me that I'm too late?"

"I'm only sharing an old children's tale with you, my friend. I thought you'd find interesting. But unless the woman is married, it's not yet too late for you."

O0o0o0o

Carter stood in front of the bathroom mirror in the suite Martin had booked for them. Her heels were off, jewelry on the vanity and she put her clutch next to them. She looked at her lips, the colour from them now faded, her hair, though curled was now slightly tousled from Martin running his fingers through it and she put a hand to her chest.

Her heart was beating; fast. She was nervous.

They got into Philadelphia shortly after noon and the car Martin had hired was waiting for them as expected. They were booked at an all suite hotel on City Avenue and it looked expensive to say the least. It had an amazing view of the city, a separate living room area, dining room area and its own kitchen. The bed was massive and when she looked at it, she realized she'd be sharing one with him for the first time since they'd started dating.

He went to his meetings and she'd been left on her own. She went downtown and did some sightseeing, a little shopping and had herself a nice light lunch.

Around 5pm they went for dinner and afterwards the art show as he'd promised. They took a short walk afterwards before the car dropped them off at the hotel. He'd been sweet and she enjoyed his company. Everything about him was entirely perfect. The way he touched her, kissed her, he treated her almost like she was a porcelain doll.

She knew there was no going back. Not anymore. He wanted her.

And Reese had been sleeping with Zoe.

…_**.whatever it takes….however long it takes…..because I love you….**_

His words played over and over in her head. She leaned against the wall, her hands moving down her stomach as she remembered his mouth moving over her, his tongue circling her clit. His lips on hers, his movement inside her…she wanted him. She missed him and she wondered what she was doing here with someone else.

There was a knock on the door and she turned her head in the direction of it, hearing Martin's voice.

"Jocelyn, you didn't fall asleep in there did you?" She heard his nervous laughter and opened the door, smiling at him.

"I definitely didn't." She said sliding her arms around his neck and her tongue into his mouth.

O0o0o0o

It wasn't until after midnight that Reese stumbled underneath the covers and finally tried to get some sleep. Carter had consumed his thoughts all day. He tried to drown them out finally with liquor and was half asleep before his head touched the pillow.

His sleep wasn't peaceful though and he was wakened a few hours later by the shrill noise of his cell phone. Besides his game of Xiangqi with Mr. Han and his brief meeting with Zoe, the day had been very busy. He wanted to rest and didn't want to be bothered. He assumed it was Finch.

"Finch unless you or Bear are in mortal danger right now, I'm sure this can wait." He spoke groggily once he finally picked up.

He didn't hear a response, but he heard the unmistakable sound of breathing on the other end. Someone was there. He heard breathing. And he heard what sounded like…crying.

"Who….?" He pulled the phone from his ear and when he looked at the number he realized it was Carter.

"Joss?" She still wouldn't answer and he sat upright in bed. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"

All he could hear was her sniffling on the other end. He was worried. "Are you hurt? Has he hurt you? Joss, talk to me."

"John…..I…."

"Did he hurt you, Joss? Because if he did…"

"No…..he…..he hasn't. I just….."

"Whatever it is, you can tell me." He tried to talk to her soothingly, wondering what Thompson did to her to make her so upset. Why was she so far away where he couldn't get to her? "Talk to me, please." He got up from the bed pacing the room.

"I can't…..I don't even know why I'm calling. I guess I just needed to hear your voice."

Reese knew something was wrong. He didn't know what and she wouldn't, or couldn't say what it was.

"Whatever it is, Joss, whatever happened, just come home to me. I'm here and I'm waiting for you. Just come home."

"I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry…."

"No Joss, don't hang up."

But it was too late. She was already gone. He tried calling her back, but it was no use, her voicemail was the last sound in his ears as he lay back on the bed.

O0o0o0o

Martin looked around the suite as he woke up in the middle of the night but there was no sight of Carter in the room. He walked out by the glass doors and saw her sitting outside on the balcony in one of the plush chairs with her head hung down. He threw a shirt on and walked outside. Her head snapped up as he came toward her and he sat down beside her.

"What are you doing out here, Jocelyn?"

He noticed her cheeks were wet and her cell phone was in her hand.

"Who were you calling?" he asked, but he really didn't want to know the answer. Whoever it was, it wasn't him and he had to finally face the fact that after all this time, she still wasn't ready. He knew she cared about him a whole lot, but her heart was still elsewhere. Her pain was still fresh, raw, and she was far from over the breakup she'd had months ago. Despite knowing all that, he couldn't help but feel a little used. She was willing to have sex with him to try to forget whoever this guy was.

"Do I even need to ask?" He asked feeling a little angry. It was probably the same person whose phone calls she had been avoiding recently. It probably wasn't as over as she pretended it was. It couldn't have been. He'd never had a woman freeze up and start to cry when he touched her. Not only was it a blow to his ego, but it was a blow to his heart since he genuinely had started to fall for her.

"I'm sorry Martin. Really I am and I don't even know how I can make up for this."

"You can start by coming back inside. It's a little chilly out here for you. Don't worry, you can take the bed; I'll sleep on the couch." He got up holding his hand out to her. "Come on."

O0o0o0o

Carter realized he was mad and he had every right to be. He was angry, he was hurt and he probably felt like a fool right now. eventually she got up and took his hand as he led her back inside and just as he promised he went to sleep on the couch while she lie in bed.

She was able to sleep a little and when she woke up the next morning, Martin wasn't there. He left a note saying that he had an early meeting and would be back to pick her up when it was time to leave.

They rode to the airport in awkward silence and he scarcely spoke to her on the flight back to New York. She tried to speak to him on the ride from JFK to her place, but he only answered her as briefly as possible. He got out to help her with her luggage and carried them up the steps to her front door.

Even though he was angry he remained a gentleman.

"Martin, I really am sorry."

"I know you are, Jocelyn. Really I do, but…..maybe it's time we take a break. I think we both have some thinking to do. Call me when you're ready to talk. Really talk."

She watched as he drove off, his car disappearing down the street and she went inside. She cut her phone back on and saw she had numerous missed calls. One of them was from Taylor. The others were all _**unknown**_ numbers.

O0o0o0o

Carter had been back from Philadelphia for two days, but she still wasn't taking his calls. Reese had been worried after the phone call he got from her in the middle of the night, but when he followed her, she appeared normal, everything looked fine and she quickly got back to her routine with Taylor and her work.

He overheard a phone call to her sister one night and she sounded a little lost, confused even. She talked to Donna about the trip and the fact that she hadn't been able to sleep with Thompson.

"I was going to. We fumbled around, he kissed me, he touched me, but I froze up. I couldn't do it."

"What the hell happened?" Her sister asked.

"I just couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about ….."

"Not the guy who you were seeing last year, the one who broke your heart?" He winced at her words. "I thought he was old news."

He listened as she fell silent and he could hear the smirk in her voice when she finally spoke.

"I thought he was too."

He shut off the audio then, allowing the rest of her conversation with her sister to remain private.

A smile was on his face at the fact that she admitted that she was still his.

O0o0o0o

Carter sat opposite David Andrews at First Plymouth Bank and couldn't believe her ears. The terms of the sale and mortgage of the house she wanted were even better than the first time she'd tried to buy it. The purchase price was less and so was the mortgage and interest rate. It was literally too good to be true.

She asked why the terms had changed so drastically. All Andrews would tell her was that the owner was desperate to get rid of it and was leaving the state in the next few weeks. He wouldn't reveal the name of the seller, but when he slipped out of his office for a few minutes she went around his desk, scanning the papers quickly for a name. She had to know who it was. There it was in bold letters and she quickly wrote it down along with a number.

She signed the papers, feeling a mixture of excitement, happiness, curiosity and skepticism. This house was the first really good thing to happen for her in a really long time. She was excited to share the news with Taylor.

A week later the name nagged at her. She went to the address she'd managed to dig up, but the place was empty. She kept leaving messages on the voice service, but so far her calls hadn't been returned. When she hit a brick wall, she decided to call Finch and she asked him to meet her at the Queensbridge Park.

He showed up as requested with Bear in tow. She bent down, petting him behind his ears.

"Hello, Bear. Haven't seen you in a long time. How are you, boy?" He barked, putting a paw on her shoulder and she gave him a hug.

"Thanks for meeting me, Finch."

"What can I do for you, Detective?"

"I got something for you." She said and handed him a piece of paper with the name on it.

"_Arthur Bellenger."_

She watched as he took it slowly from her hand. "I need you to find out who this guy is and how I can find him."

"May I ask what your interest is in this man, Detective?"

"He's the elusive seller of this house I'm interested in…..I just want to meet him, ask him some questions."

She watched him turn his head from her, a conflicted look on his face. He closed his eyes and turned back to her, and she knew.

"Don't tell me _you're_ Arthur Bellenger."

He nodded slightly a sheepish look on his face. She didn't know whether to be angry or grateful. It was a horrible intrusion, but it was also a great gesture.

"How on earth did you even know about the house?"

"John brought it to my attention. He wanted you to have it." He took a treat out of his pocket and handed it to Bear. "Detective….."

"Finch, I'm sure there are a lot of things that you hear. That you must have heard over the last few months…."

"Yes I am aware of how things have changed between the two of you."

"Then you know why….I can't accept this house, no matter how badly I want it."

"Detective, John has lost a lot of people he's cared about over the years. He lamented not being able to save Jessica as you know, or his sister. It took him a long time to be able to care about somebody again, to believe that he was worth being cared about again."

"Finch…."

"He does care about you. When we got information that your life was in danger last year, he stopped at nothing to make sure that you were safe. Even then when you were chasing him, he….saw something in you. And over time you became important to him. He knew that you really wanted that house. And he wouldn't stop…. until you had it."

00o0o0o

"We need to talk."

The four most terrifying words to a man's ears, Reese thought. But hearing them come out of Carter's mouth were the best ones he'd heard in a while. It was shortly after 7am when he walked into Lyric Café and he sat down in the chair opposite her.

This time there was no cold coffee, she was finishing off the last drop as he settled into his chair. She was dressed in a dark suit, her hair spilled over her shoulders and her lips were stained with a splash of colour. He thought she looked beautiful in the morning light.

She put down her coffee cup and sat up straight in her chair. "Thanks for coming."


	10. Chapter 10

Reese watched as she straightened up in her chair and she leaned backward, looking at him. The expression on her face changed dramatically in the space of a few short seconds. He didn't know what to expect, he didn't know what she wanted to talk about. He was just glad she had called him.

"Thanks for coming." She said softly. He still couldn't guess exactly what was on her mind, but she didn't seem hostile, she didn't seem angry.

"Last time we met here, the conversation didn't go very well. You got me a little nervous here, Joss." His attempt at humor brought a smile to her face and for that he was glad.

"There have been so many painful things that happened between us, I just….thought we needed to clear a few things up."

"Ok."

"You want a cup of coffee?" She signaled to her server and in a few minutes she came back with two fresh cups of coffee for them. He spun the cup around in his hands for a minute and it took him back to their first meeting where she gave him a cup of water.

"I know about the house." She blurted out and she was silent for a minute. He wondered how she found out. But given her great investigative skills, he deduced she put it all together.

"You're a hell of a Detective. I've always told you that."

"John, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to take the house."

"I can't, I can't take it."

"Why not?"

"You know why I can't. It's an invasion of my privacy. You're listening to my phone calls, my conversations. You're interfering in my life, John. You are literally stalking me." She had a frustrated look on her face, but he was glad that she wasn't as angry as he thought she'd be if she found out.

"After everything you've been through…." he reached over and held her hand. "…after everything I've put you through, you deserve it. Besides I didn't buy it. Finch did."

"John…"

"All we did was make sure it was more affordable for you and to ensure that you would get it."

"The diamond earrings, John." She said trying to pull her hand back, but he wouldn't let it go.

"What about them? They were a gift."

"You give me expensive diamond earrings, and now a house. I just wonder if you want me to feel obligated to you in some way."

"Joss….if there's anyone who should feel obligated it's me. You saved my life…..more times than I can count. You stuck with me, no matter how much I pushed you away. You loved me when I couldn't understand why. And after finding out about Zoe….."

She winced and he realized the pain from that revelation was still raw to her. She had tears in her eyes just as he did.

"After finding out about Zoe…..I….I want to make it up to you. I need to make it up to you. I can't erase it, but I want you to trust me again. I want you to take this house. For you and for Taylor."

Bringing Taylor into the conversation was a little below the belt he knew. But he had to make her realize that it was the right decision to make. Appealing to her love for her son was a powerful way to get her to see that.

She pulled her hand away and took a sip from her second cup. She seemed to mull that over in her mind. So far he thought the conversation was going well. She hadn't threatened to leave, she hadn't asked _him_ to leave and she hadn't yelled at him.

What he really wanted to know was where her head was. The last time he heard from her, she'd called him in the middle of the night while she was in Philadelphia with Martin. He knew she hadn't slept with him, but he still didn't know where she and Martin stood.

"What happened the other night?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you called me from Philly. I was worried about you."

"I was…" he saw her cheeks flush red with embarrassment and she turned her head to look out the window. "I was with another man….and…all I could think about was you." Her expression was so vulnerable and he felt an enormous amount of relief at her words. He knew after everything that had happened saying how she felt had to have been the hardest thing for her right now.

It gave him hope. After she found out about Zoe, he thought they might have been finished forever, but hearing that she thought of him while she was with Martin cause hope to spring alive inside him.

"I needed to talk to you. I needed to hear your voice, John….I don't know, it's stupid."

"Of course it's not, Joss." He said, with a smile tugging at the side of his lips. "I imagine Martin wasn't too happy about that." She didn't answer but the look on her face confirmed what he said. "About you and Martin…."

"I'm not going to talk to you about Martin."

"I think it's time for you realize…."

"John, I'm not doing this….."

"….that we still have some unresolved issues and Martin is in the way."

"I can't believe you wanna talk about unresolved issues." She glanced at her watch and looked as if she was about to leave. "I have to get to the precinct."

"You're always running away when we have a problem. Stay here with me and let's talk about this."

He wanted to laugh at the irony of the situation. She was the one who always wanted to talk, while he never did. The role reversal right now was emphasized by the look of incredulity on her face. He knew this was a moment to be serious however, so he chose his next words carefully.

"I know I pushed you away before, Joss. I know that being with me hasn't been easy at all. But I'm here now; I'm ready to let you in. I want us to start over. Can you give us a second chance?"

"John…."

"Please…..give _me_ a second chance."

He finally took a drink of the coffee in front of him and it was a way to pretend he wasn't anxiously awaiting her reply. He knew it was a lot to ask in one conversation. If all she said was that she'd consider it, he would be happy.

"I need to sort things out with Martin, first."

"Joss…."

"I just need some time, John. Can you give me that?"

He reluctantly agreed and when she left the table this time, he walked alongside her. They walked the block together, slowly and he let his shoulder touch hers. It wasn't exactly where he wanted them to be. But it was a positive step forward.

"I also need you to stop tapping my phone. I know it's hard for you not knowing my every move all the time, but please. Seriously John, allow me some privacy. At least for a little while."

He nodded his head looking down at her. "Okay."

She fished into her pocket and handed him a key. "Here. I forgot to give this to you. It's your spare key. Got it from Finch when he asked me to check on you."

He folded the key into her palm, not taking it. "Keep it." He whispered in her ear and turned to leave.

O0o0o0o

It had been two days since her breakfast 'date' with Reese when Carter was finishing up some last minute reports at her desk. She was a little tired and was ready to go home. The home cooked meal she promised Taylor was not gonna get made tonight. Tonight he would have to settle for takeout.

"Hey Carter you got any more envelopes? I need to borrow another." Her head shot in Fusco's direction and he was walking up to her desk.

"Running out supplies again, Lionel?" She shook her head and opened her bottom drawer. "I should have a couple more in here." Her hand hit against something solid and she looked down to find the crystal jasmine Reese had bought for her all those months ago. She put it on the desk in front of her staring at it for a minute.

"What's that?" Asked Fusco as she handed him a few envelopes.

"That's…..it's…it's a flower, Lionel."

She got home about an hour later, takeout in her hand and was greeted at the door by her son. He grabbed the bags out of her hands and eagerly unpackaged the containers. He told her about his day at school and she was glad they were getting back into their routine. He was opening up to her again and he finally told her about his girlfriend at school. He gave her a name. Finally she knew who this girl was.

Whatever Reese had said to him the night he found him had done wonders and she couldn't help but feel grateful to have her son back.

She had to take the house. If not for her, for Taylor as Reese said. He was a good kid, he deserved it.

"Mom, you're spacing out again. What's going on?"

"Well I was waiting to get a word in so I could give you the good news."

"About what?"

Good news it was. There was something wonderful about it. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, it became real. Taylor was ecstatic, he was so happy and he got right on the phone with her mother. Of course that opened a dialogue that she wasn't yet prepared for, but she didn't mind the probing questions about how she got it, where it was and how much it would cost.

She finally felt happy. And she felt like this was a new beginning for them.

She took Taylor to see the house after school that Friday. He immediately claimed the back room of the three bedroom house. He loved the size of it. It was bigger than the room he had now, it had a larger closet and he finally had space for a desk and a small study area if he wanted. She would take the room closest to the front. She would have her own walk in closet, with space for different clothes, shoe compartments and a storage area at the top. It was a dream come true. She loved the dark wood floors and she loved the light that could now come in because she had larger windows. This was definitely a place they could call home.

The room opposite Taylor's would be a guest bedroom for when family came to visit. Now she could invite her sister to stay without wondering where they'd all sleep.

There were some minor repairs to be made, a few windows that needed to replaced and she had gotten a few extra dollars from the bank to take care of it all. She wanted the floors in the kitchen and bathroom to be redone and she wanted new carpeting in the den. She planned to change the colour scheme on the walls and imagined how it would look once the furniture was brought int. She was getting all new appliances and got a deal for a stainless steel stove, refrigerator and a washer and dryer.

While the repairs were taking place, she and Taylor set about packing all their things for the big move. She hadn't realized they'd accumulated so much stuff over the years. Much of it was discarded and she felt like she was shedding a lot of weight from an old life she was saying goodbye to.

She was excited as they packed everything into boxes. And though she knew it was going to be a hell of a lot of work, she was looking forward to putting everything into its place in the new house. She arranged for a few weeks time off so she could do it. And she planned to take her time.

She spoke to Reese regularly. He would call to check on her and Taylor and he stopped by at least once a week to see their progress. She appreciated that though he was there, he didn't spend the whole time crowding her, or pressuring her. He was never imposing or grabby. He was the perfect gentleman. In fact a lot of his time was spent with Taylor catching up with school happenings and helping him pack. She'd hear their voices and laughter coming from Taylor's room and wonder what they were talking about.

They were getting closer. It was a fact that made gave her joy, but also made her nervous. She still wasn't 100% that the two of them getting back together was the right thing. She still had to consider Martin and if it made sense to continue their relationship.

After he helped her pack up her last box one evening he handed her a card.

"What's this?" She asked, reading it and wiping the sweat from her brow.

_**Davidson Movers**_ – the card read.

"Call them whenever you're ready to take your stuff to the new place. It's already paid for." He said.

She started shaking her head in protest, but he put a finger to her lips.

"Sshh….just say thank you."

She took a deep breath and decided not to argue. She thanked him and tucked the card into her jeans pocket.

After he left she got into the shower and was happy to wash away the dirt and sweat from her body. She got out fifteen minutes later and toweled herself off getting into a cotton t-shirt and shorts after misting her body with some jasmine water.

She wondered how Martin was doing.

Since the disastrous trip to Philadelphia she hadn't heard from him. He had left the ball in her court really. She knew where he stood as far as she was concerned. She knew what he wanted. It was up to her to think about what she wanted and to decide based on that knowledge.

She thought about calling him, sharing the news of the house with him, but he'd think she was calling to talk about _them_. The conversation could get complicated and she didn't want that right now, not when her mind was not fully made up.

She decided to call her sister. Donna was at home, and she was tired after a long double shift at work, but she was glad to hear her sister's voice on the other end of the phone.

Carter gave her the good news about the house, but apparently their mother had already beaten her to it.

"I'm so happy for you Jocelyn. There's nothing like owning your own place. I know Taylor must be over the moon."

"He is and frankly so am I. We just finished packing up the rest of the stuff. Come Monday when I start my vacation time we'll start moving."

"Are you gonna do it all by yourself?"

"I won't." She said settling on top of the covers, leaning back and crossing her legs. "I have Taylor and the movers will help set the furniture up when they deliver the stuff. I took two weeks to get it all done though so I have enough time."

They spoke about the house a while longer, caught up with how Donna's kids were going in school, then Donna asked about Martin.

"I haven't heard from him, and I haven't called."

"Still haven't decided what you want to do?"

"No, not yet." She said quietly and her sister chuckled on the other line. "What are you laughing at?"

"I'm laughing because I can picture you biting your bottom lip worrying about what to do." It was funny because it was true and they both laughed. "Oh Jocelyn, as much as you hate to admit it, you need to face that fact that maybe you're still not quite over your mystery man. If Martin is as great as you make him out to be, there shouldn't be a hesitation. You can't move forward because your heart is elsewhere."

"You think you know a lot about me don't you? Hmph." She said hating that her sister was right.

"I know you just as well as you know me. I wish I could talk to this guy, see who he was and what he's like. How come we never met him? Does mom know who he is?"

"No, she doesn't."

Taylor was the only one in her life who knew about or met Reese. He'd refused her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner last year. Well that wasn't quite true. He hadn't refused it; he'd been terrified of it. In hindsight she realized that maybe it'd been too soon for her to invite him and the issues he had with family and his past were a huge obstacle for him. It had been wishful thinking on her part that he'd want to come and be a part of it. Thinking about it now, if it had been Martin she invited she was sure he'd have no problems integrating with them.

"Go with your heart, Jocelyn. Has your heart ever steered you in the wrong direction?"

Donna's question led to others long after their conversation ended and she lay in bed trying to figure out what to do. Her heart had led her to Reese before and he'd hurt her. He wasn't ready before, she knew. Ever since his breakdown at his loft, he seemed a changed man. She wasn't sure yet she could trust it. What would happen when things got tough again? Would he end up pushing her away like before?

That was her greatest fear; being turned away, being replaced with someone else. She thought of Zoe again and it killed her to think of Reese with someone else. Her reaction to seeing them together had cut her deep. But she realized now that he _**had**_ made a mistake. It was a stupid mistake, a careless one, but he realized the scope of his actions and how wrong they were. He'd asked her for a second chance. She had to decide whether or not to give it.

Martin was perfect. He was perfect in every way that mattered. He wasn't some vigilante working on the opposite end of the law. He was open, communicative, he was attractive and he was kind. He was ready to be with her without hesitation.

He was perfect.

"But he isn't John." She said aloud as she turned to her side and put her hand under her chin. Her head burrowed into her pillow. "He isn't John."

O0o0o0o

Reese took the hand Fusco held out to him and got to his feet. He cast a glaring eye in the direction of the latest perp, Victor Nunez and left him in the process of getting his rights read to him and a new pair of bracelets for his wrists.

He touched his knuckle to his cheekbone, feeling the slight pain from the bruise that was now forming and wiped at the faint smudge of blood on his hand. What a way to end the week he thought walking out into the street and made his way home.

He was hungry and he stopped for takeout from Bakshi's a small family run Indian restaurant he and Carter used to frequent. He hadn't been there for a while and missed the food there. When he got home, he got into it right away, barely taking his jacket off to throw it over the back of the couch and sat down.

It was just as good as he remembered it. Carter had been the first person to introduce him to the place and he remembered the first time they ate there. That night instead of take out, they sat at a secluded table at the back, enjoyed the food and each other's conversation.

He remembered watching her lips move as she spoke, listening to her laugh, the curves of her cheeks and twinkle in her eye. He remembered wanting her so badly he was straining against his pants. She hadn't even realized the effect she had on him that night. She innocently talked to him, running her hand casually over his, all the while he thought of nothing more than taking her into one of the back rooms of the place and sinking himself into her until he was dry.

He missed making love to her. Even now after all these months, his desire for her hadn't waned in the least. Even after Zoe, he still only wanted Joss and he longed to be with her again. Soon he promised himself, finishing off his meal, soon.

Tomorrow was the big day. He got word from Taylor that she was taking time off work to start the process of getting the new house ready. He kept his promise of not listening to her phone conversations or eavesdropping on her but it wasn't easy. Instead he had relied on Fusco and Taylor to let him know what she was up to.

Taylor had said she was happy about the move. Besides work, it was all she talked about on the phone to her mom and her sister. He casually asked if she had been out at all since she'd been back from Philadelphia and Taylor had said no. Both of them aware of the unspoken question of Martin's continued presence in her life. As far as Taylor could tell, she'd been pretty much on her own. The phone calls had stopped; she no longer went into another room to take her calls. The only man Taylor had seen had been him.

He'd breathed a sigh of relief then.

He walked into the bathroom and got out of his clothes before he went in the shower.

Soon, he promised himself again, soon.

He'd gone by the new house, and after the work had been completed on it, he broke in and took a look around. He liked the space, he liked the lighting and he liked that it felt like a real home here. He was glad that Carter liked it, he was glad she'd been able to get the place she wanted.

He walked onto the hardwood floors of the room she'd chosen as her own. The crown molding was amazing and the room had its own bath separated by a perfectly ornate door. He looked around and thought that a room like this deserved furniture to match its splendor. The bedroom suit that Carter currently had didn't belong in here he thought. She needed something better than the modest set to lay her head on at the end of the day.

From following her one afternoon when she walked into a furniture store, he noticed a particular set had caught her eye. He watched as she eyed it, running her hand over the wood, the padded headboard and he could see from the look in her eyes that she really wanted it. So he bought it for her and he arranged for delivery sometime tomorrow afternoon.

As he applied shampoo to his hair he knew she would be furious about the purchase. She'd taken a lot of cajoling to accept the house, she wanted to protest the movers, now new furniture would be another story. He hoped to do his best to convince her to accept yet another gift from him.

It was Monday evening when he decided to drop by. Taylor was unloading boxes in his new room and she was directing the movers to different parts of the house.

She looked so cute in her cut off jeans shorts and blue t-shirt. Her legs were exposed and he raised his eyebrows as he took in the sight of them. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail in back and she watched the men like a hawk as they loaded boxes and furniture in the house.

She smiled when she saw him walking toward her and he returned it. She was about to say something to him, but a loud thud from inside got her attention right away.

"Please do not break anything." He heard her say before firing off a fresh new set of instructions.

He saw them about to take her bedroom furniture into her new bedroom, but he redirected them.

"Fellas, that one goes to the back room on the right."

He took his jacket off and rolled up his sleeves. "Where can I put this?" He asked her and she took it from it, putting it in the coat closet.

"What are you doing?" She asked the movers. "No that set goes in here."

The men looked at Reese in frustration, the furniture was quite heavy. He nodded his head and he signaled for them to continue.

"John….what….?" She stopped mid sentence as another truck pulled up and she put a finger up to him before he could speak, heading outside.

Her new furniture was here and he watched as she spoke to the driver for a minute, confused. He put a smile on his face and walked over, a hand on her shoulder.

"Excuse me sir. I forgot to tell my wife about the new set that was coming. You can take it inside. First bedroom on the right."

She looked at him, and the wrinkle between her brows was in place. "It was supposed to be a surprise." He said as they watched the guys unload the truck. She was seething right now, but she looked on as the set she wanted so badly was being taken ever so carefully into her new house.

His hand was still on her shoulder and she bowed her head down for a minute, not speaking. He spun her round to face him, his hands on her shoulders. "Now I know what you're gonna say Joss, but hear me out."

She was shaking her head vehemently. "No….you don't know what I'm gonna say John. I am furious with you. I really am." She raised her head up and he could see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "I am so mad at you right now". She said.

"I just wanted to…"

"Thank you so much." She said and grabbed him by the waist and hugged him hard. His arms went around her shoulders and it felt so good to hold her again.

"Thank you." She said again. She stayed in his arms for a minute and they were both oblivious to the movers who watched them curiously as they took the rest of the furniture inside.

He finally let her go and looked down on her. She gave him a reluctant smile and he wiped at the tears on her face.

"Still mad?" He asked and they laughed together.

"Hey mom!" Called Taylor from the front door.

"What is it baby?" She said, looking at him. Reese's hand was still around her shoulder, he didn't want to let go and she still held onto his waist.

"The guys wanna know how you want the furniture set up."

"Okay, I'll be right there." She pulled away, dragging Reese by the hand. "Come on."

When he got up on the porch Taylor was studying them, a slow smile crossing his mouth. He raised an eyebrow as the boy held his fist out to him. He smiled as he held his fist out and bumped Taylor's before they all went in.

O0o0o0o

Hours later all the furniture had been assembled and put in their respective rooms and spaces. There was only light unpacking to be done like the dishes, photo albums, and other personal touches to the house. Carter decided she would do that tomorrow. She couldn't move another muscle.

Taylor had gone to a friend's house to spend the night and she and Reese had been left alone. He'd ordered delivery for them and they enjoyed the food and the drinks in silence. The house was quiet and they were both exhausted. She was glad he had stayed around to help. They were seated side by side on the enormous sectional she'd bought. It was in the middle of the floor and they both stared up at the ceiling together, heads rested on its soft comfortable back.

"Tired?" He whispered.

"Yeah." She said and he looked over at her, before resting a hand on the top of her head. He ran his thumb over her brow and she closed her eyes, finally starting to relax.

"Mmmm. That feels good." She said.

"You're so beautiful, Joss."

Her eyes remained closed and she smiled. "No I'm not. Right now I'm sweaty, my hair's a mess and I need a shower."

"No. You're beautiful." He repeated and she opened her eyes.

"You trying to win some brownie points with the compliments? I think what you've done today; well the last few days have earned you plenty." His fingers moving over her scalp felt so good. She felt like she could just fall asleep right now in this very position.

She felt his gaze on her and looked over at him. She still loved him. God help her she did. It had been almost five months they been apart, but she still loved him. She put a hand on his face and kissed him softly on the lips. Her mouth lingered there for a moment before she leaned back onto the couch.

He didn't say anything, but he reached down and held onto her hand, lacing his fingers through hers.

"I think you should stay tonight." She said quietly. "I mean…..if you want to." She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and he nodded his head.

"I want to." He answered.

"Good." She said, releasing the breath she realized she'd been holding in. He got up to secure the front door and cut the lights off.

They were left in the dark then and she held onto him as they both lay there, talking, listening, breathing together until there was nothing more they wanted to say.

"Goodnight, Joss." It was the last thing she heard finally before she fell asleep in his arms, her hand to his chest while his hand rested on the small of her back.


	11. Chapter 11

There was a putrid smell of burning flesh in his nostrils and mewling cries in his ears.

Reese looked at the dim light bulb hanging by a drop cord in the ceiling and for a minute he blocked out the sound. He rested the thin butane torch on the table in the back of the room and leaned up against the wall.

In front of him was Lars Eichel a 'banker' they'd apprehended in Nice after following him for two days. Intel had told them that he'd had links to spies who wanted to acquire weapons information to start a nuclear programme for a well funded, power hungry dictator.

For a minute he pretended he wasn't here inhaling the scent of urine and feces. Eichel had lost control of his bowels ten minutes into their session.

Reese was used to denials, he was used to lies and he knew when someone was being deceptive.

The high pitched screams Eichel had made told him that poor man was innocent. Their Intel had been wrong. He knew it in his gut, but Kara wanted to be sure. So he'd used the butane torch, slowly at first, then he spent thirty second intervals on different parts of his body. He concentrated first on his right arm and shoulder blade with first degree burns.

"_Bitte! Ich bin ein Banker. Ich arbeite an der Schweizer Royal Bank. Ich weiß nicht, was sie sprechen. Bitte. Oh Gott, bitte hör auf."_

(Please! I am a banker. I work at the Swiss Royal Bank. I don't know what you are talking about. Please. Oh, God please stop!)

Over and over he screamed and pleaded and begged. Over and over again. By the time his back was covered in third degree burns, he could do no more than whimper.

"_Sie fordern sie immer noch nichts wissen?"_

(You insist you still know nothing?)

Reese's voice, quiet, raw and dripping with the weariness of the session, came from the back of the room. Eichel's head suddenly slumped over; he was unconscious, blacked out from the pain.

Reese took a deep breath, pushing the heavy steel door open and walked out.

Kara watched Eichel through the glass and shook her head. "He still won't talk."

"Because he doesn't know anything." He replied.

"Or you're not pushing him hard enough. We don't have much time."

"Kara, the Intel was wrong. Eichel's not the man we're looking for."

"Wake him up. And start again."

He stared at her, his face hard, his patience drawing thin. He could still smell the rotting flesh in his nose. He had a headache now and he felt sick to his stomach.

"Start again John."

He heard her voice in his ears, so close behind him and he snapped. He spun round quickly, gripping her by the throat and started to choke her.

The Boy Scout was gone. There was only the dark now. But curiously enough, she showed no fear even though his grip on her throat grew tighter by the second. She started laughing, quite maniacally. Her face was changed, twisted and she looked at him in deranged scorn.

"You are the dark, John. You can't run from it no matter what you do."

His grip was getting tighter, when he heard a voice behind him and a hand touched his shoulder.

"Don't do it, John." He turned around. It was Carter. Her voice was sweet, gentle and she held him tightly around the waist.

"Let it go, John. Come with me and let it go."

She took his hand, leading him away from the room. They were bathed in light again. The smell of the interrogation room was almost gone and he smelled a hint of jasmine filling the air.

He felt light hit his body. He felt fresh air hit his lungs, but he heard Kara screaming behind him. She was gaining on them fast as they walked out of the building.

"Don't look back….don't look back…"

O0o0o0o0o

"John? John, wake up."

Carter didn't remember what time she fell asleep. All she remembered was John saying good night to her and everything after that was a blur.

Sometime during the early morning, he started to twitch and murmur and his grip on her tightened like he was holding on for dear life. He was probably having a bad dream. She tried to rise up a bit out of his embrace, but his arms around her wouldn't budge.

She put her hands on his face, trying to get him to respond.

"John…baby wake up. Wake up."

He gasped and the light trickling in from the porch lamp allowed her to see his eyelashes flicker and he finally opened his eyes.

He groaned and finally relaxed his hold on her. She ran her hand over the side of his face, softly, trying to calm him.

"It was a bad dream. It's okay."

He looked at her, letting out a deep sigh and then pulled her close again. He didn't go back to sleep and neither did she and she lay still with him as he ran his hands up and down her back. She lay still as his heartbeat finally slowed down and she felt him start to relax again.

"You're still having them?" She asked, and she wondered if he'd respond. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts and it was a while before he finally did speak.

"Off and on."

"Your sister?"

"Sometimes." He said quietly. "Other times, someone else."

"Someone else like who?" She already knew the answer, but she wanted him to say it.

"Kara." The lone word on his tongue seemed like a weight thrust into the air. He'd been through so much with his partner. He'd left that part of his life behind, but he still carried around so much guilt.

His arm around her tightened again and she pressed her lips to the side of his neck.

"Tell me about it."

"It's normally the same. It's a mission we'd been on, someone she killed while I watched, or….something I'd done."

She ached at the inflection in his voice as he said the last words.

"It was different this time."

"How?"

"I was...I can't remember how, but….you were there…just as I was about to…..I don't know. All I remember is that you were there and…you saved me."

"So I was your _Woman in a Suit_ tonight."

She loved how his chest rose and fell as he managed to laugh a little. It made her smile.

"Yes. You were."

"See….I told you. I got my own little bag of tricks."

"You do."

"No telling what I'll pull out of it next, John."

He squeezed her again, and his hand rested on the small of her back as he kissed the side of her face.

"I love you, Joss."

O0o0o0o

"I love you, Joss." He said it softly and it seemed like he was holding his breath thinking of what she'd say. It had been months since she'd said it. He felt so lucky to finally be here in her space, holding her in his arms; maybe he was being too greedy to expect to hear it back. But still everything in him waited, needed to hear the words.

"I love you too, John." She said.

His heart turned over. He felt as if he'd come full circle, gone all the way back to the beginning. Their relationship had started with a confession of feelings. Now their second chance had done the same.

He breathed a sigh of relief, knowing how much the admission meant coming from her after everything she'd been through. He never got over her tremendous capacity to love and give of herself. She was everything he needed and could ever want.

They fell asleep again and this time there were no more nightmares, no more bad dreams. In fact he slept more soundly than he had in a long while. He woke up the next morning with the smell of fresh coffee in the air. He could hear movement coming from the bedroom and the quiet sound of Carter humming.

He got up, and walked into the hallway and saw her wrapped up in a towel sitting on the bare mattress of her new bed. Her cell phone was balanced between her ear and shoulder as she held a bottle of lotion in her hand.

She hadn't noticed him as he stood at the door watching her. His eyes travelled over her smooth brown skin that was practically glowing. Her hair sat atop her head in a messy bun, and a few wet strands framed the edges of her face and her shoulders ever so softly.

She was a portrait of beauty and he missed mornings like this where he used to watch her get dressed and ready the morning after he'd lost himself inside her. He felt himself stirring in his pants as the smell of jasmine filled the air. It had been so long since he'd had a chance to linger on her. He yearned to run his tongue over the surface of her skin, to run his hands over the peaks of her breasts and to taste the soft junction between her thighs as she dripped for him.

He wanted her.

"…Martin this is Jocelyn. I'm sorry I missed you, but I think it's time we talked. Call me when you get this message so we can set something up." His heart sank at the mention of Thompson's name on her lips and she finally glimpsed him as he walked towards her. She put the phone on the bed next to her and smiled at him.

"Look who's finally awake." She said and pointed to some clothes that were folded next to her on the bed. "I forgot I had these. I wore them home the day after the charity ball last year. I figured you might want to grab a shower and get into some fresh clothes." She got up and walked over to the floor length mirror that was by the window and quickly grabbed a brush that was on the drawer beside it.

She let her hair down and he watched as she loosed it from the confines of its ponytail holder and let it fall to her shoulders.

"What was the call to Thompson about?" He asked as he stood in back of her and slipped his arms around her waist.

"I just need to sort things out with him, let him know what's going on." Their eyes connected in the mirror and he bent a little resting his chin on her shoulder. "I owe him that, John, you know."

He knew she was right. He knew it was only fair that she give him that courtesy after three months of going out with him. Three long months, he thought, but still he couldn't help feel uneasy about her meeting him, spending time with him, no matter how brief.

"And what happens when you see him and he tries….."

"You know you're very handsome when you're jealous. The only thing we're going to do….is _talk_." She turned around then, putting her hands on his shoulders. "Go on. Go take a shower and when you get out, we'll have some coffee."

She turned to face the mirror again and he wandered into the bathroom. She still hadn't fully set the bathroom up yet, and there were boxes of toiletries, rugs and other items lined up against the wall. She'd hung a simple liner up so they'd both be able to shower.

She was humming again; he thought with a smile and closed his eyes as he stepped under the steady flow of hot water.

He got out of the shower ten minutes later, brushed his teeth and exited the bathroom with a large fluffy towel wrapped around his waist. She walked into the room with two cups of coffee and handed one to him.

He was happy to see that she wasn't dressed yet. The towel was still wrapped around her and the beginnings of the erection he had a little earlier when he first saw her this morning was back and getting stronger.

She took a sip of her coffee, but instead of finishing it, she grabbed the neglected bottle of lotion she had in her hand before. He leaned on the bureau drawer watching her as she put some of the fragrant gel in her hands and started to apply it to her legs.

"You are such a tease." He said walking over to her as she did the other leg. He took the bottle out of her hand and pulled her up in front of him. With a quick movement the towel was cast aside and his hands were on the bare skin of her back and he pulled her close.

"John….."

"Not a word." He murmured against her mouth and his lips gently touched hers. Her hands moved to the back of his neck and through his damp hair. The touch of her fingers so soft and fleeting sent an electric current through him. His kiss deepened and he felt his cock swell against the towel. He removed it, and he gasped as her hands found him and started to glide over him.

As his lips parted under her tongue, he felt himself harden in her hands and he was at full erection in a matter of seconds. His fingers were on her nipples and she leaned into him as he pressed his lips to her ear, snaking his tongue along the edge.

He was just about to pick her up when the shrill of a cell phone pierced the air. He groaned, and muttered a curse. He was reluctant to move, his hands were still in her hair, her hands were still on his throbbing cock, but he had to answer.

He got his pants off the bed and went through the pockets. He grabbed his phone and picked up.

"Mr. Reese?"

"Yes, Finch." He answered and looked at her with lust filled eyes. She sat on the bed, then lay on her back, taking a deep breath; she was just as heated as he was. He barely heard Finch's voice in his ear, her nipples were hard, her skin so inviting. He wanted nothing more than to…..

"We've got a new number."

He listened to the few details Finch gave him over the phone and he hung up. He leaned over her on the bed, and she reached out to hold him in her hands again. As her hands moved up and down on his shaft he lamented that their time was cut short. He was tempted to stay for just a little longer, but he didn't want a quickie. He wanted to take his time.

"I have to go." He said brushing his lips over hers.

"I heard." She said with a slight frown. She touched his face before he got up and she turned on her belly watching him get dressed.

When he was done, he bent down to mash his lips on hers one more time.

"I want you so much." He moaned against them. "I'll call you when I can." He promised and he left, heading straight for the library.

O0o0o0o

Carter watched him get dressed, putting on his boxers, then his shirt and his pants. His desire for her was still very evident by the bulge in his pants. His kiss as he said goodbye left her wanting more. She didn't want him to leave. She wanted him to stay. But it was probably for the best. She had to get her house sorted out and he had work.

She got up and got dressed herself, put her hair back into a ponytail and went in the kitchen to fix breakfast. She turned the TV on to have some noise in the background while she moved from room to room emptying box after box.

She was very busy all day. Busy was an understatement, but she wouldn't have it any other way. There was a simple joy she found in setting up her bedroom and bathroom. She smoothed the new sheet set over the bed, slipped on the comforter and then pillow covers and hung the matching curtains and the space transformed from a bedroom into a master suite. She ran her hand along the solid wood frame of her new bed, touched the headboard with a smile on her face and appreciated the gift Reese had given her. Every piece of the set was exquisite and she felt happy that she owned it.

Moving from room to room, adding personal touches here and there filled her day. She hoped to hear from Martin, hoped he'd return her call, but by noon she still hadn't heard from him. A few more hours rolled by and she hadn't heard from Reese either. He was working, she knew, so she didn't think anything of it, it was perfectly normal for him not to call if he was incredibly busy. She took a short break to grab a small bite to eat and then took all her empty boxes to the trash outside.

As soon as Taylor got home from school, he lent a hand. He was a big help and he unpacked and set up everything in the second bath. She sat in the living room and watched as he hung pictures on the wall and lined the new bookshelf she purchased with their books. They stopped for a few moments to look at old photographs as they sorted through some old albums and she smiled looking at some pictures of her dad.

She ordered a pizza come evening and as they sat down and ate, she could feel her body crying for rest.

She could do with a nice shoulder massage she thought and even though she was still a little sore from all the lifting and moving, she unpacked the silverware, the plates and her pots and pans. It was late at night and Taylor was already in bed by the time she was done.

The only room left to set up now was the den. The furniture was already laid out how she wanted. All that was left was to put the flat screen TV on the wall and set up the blinds. She would tackle that another day.

By midnight she was in bed with the TV on and she realized she still hadn't heard from Reese. She was only slightly worried. She knew he could take care of himself, but still she wanted to talk to him. She smiled at how easy it was for her to miss being around him like they'd never broken up. Already they were in their routine. He watched as she got out of the shower and got dressed, she brought him his coffee.

Things were on their way to normal she guessed.

She thought about his dream for a moment. He'd started having them the minute they'd gotten closer last year and shortly after, things started to fall apart. She silently hoped that the one he had last night wasn't a sign that things would be the same.

Her eyelids were getting heavy and she felt sleep starting to overtake her. It wasn't long after she closed her eyes that she fell asleep with the sound of the TV playing in her ears.

O0o00

Martin stepped out of the bathroom of his hotel suite in Chicago. He'd been there for the past three days on a business trip and was due back in New York this evening. He had one more meeting that was starting at mid day and then he'd be done.

He toweled himself off, sitting on the bed and turned the TV on to the morning news. A smile crossed his lips at the murmur of protest that came from the back of him. He turned around slowly as she emerged from underneath the covers and glared at him.

"It's time to get up, Monica."

"I have a headache, Martin. Do you mind turning that down a little?"

"Too much to drink last night?" He asked getting up and pulling the covers off of her. "So sad. A grown woman should really know how to hold her liquor." He bent down biting her bare shoulder, leaning over her.

"Stop it." She protested as his lips travelled along the porcelain skin of her throat and he brushed her long red hair to the side. "Between the TV and your cell phone ringing, my head is about to explode." She pulled the covers over her head again and he walked over to the nightstand to pick his phone up.

He had a missed call. It was from Jocelyn. It had been a few weeks since he'd heard from her and he thought their goodbye on her steps after their trip to Philadelphia was their last one. He listened to the message she left saying she wanted to talk.

Was she still interested? He wondered if it even mattered anymore. He was still bitter about the trip, but looking back in hindsight, he realized she'd told him she wasn't ready from the beginning. He was the one who said he would wait. He should have known what he was getting into. He'd hoped that after a while she'd come to care for him, but in the end you couldn't force what you didn't feel.

He looked over at Monica as she lay under the covers and smiled. Monica was a nice distraction, she was fun and he had a few more hours to kill before he had to go to work. He'd think about Jocelyn later when he got back to New York.

0o0o0o

**THE FOLLOWING DAY**

Carter got off the elevator and walked into Banks, McKinney &Thompson's lobby and through the back to Martin's office. It was a short while as she waited for him to wrap up his meeting and she sat in the small waiting area till he was done.

He emerged eventually and two junior associates filed out of his office. The smile on his face when he saw her was genuine and he took her hand leading her inside.

"It's so good to see you, Jocelyn." He said and pulled her in for a hug. "You look amazing."

He was dressed in a dark gray suit, light blue shirt with cufflinks and he wore a striped tie with suspenders. He was looking pretty amazing himself and she told him so. He invited her to sit with him over on the sectional at the far side of his office and he asked her how she was.

While they made small talk he offered her something to drink, and she sipped on the cool beverage he gave her. They joked around for a while and she remembered why she liked him so much when they first started dating. He was still so easy. Even after the awkwardness of their trip to Philadelphia and how awful it ended, he was still so easy going.

She told him about the house and how that had taken up her time for the last few weeks. She told him there were still a few things left to unpack but overall she was settling in well and so was Taylor. He congratulated her and told her he was happy for her.

He seemed quite guarded, she noticed, but she couldn't really blame him. She set the glass down on the table in front of her and realized it was time to tell him why she wanted to meet him.

"Martin, I'm sorry about Philadelphia, about leading you on, about how horrible everything turned out."

She reached out and tentatively took his hand, fully expecting him to push it away but he didn't. In fact he squeezed it instead.

"I know it must feel like I used you…I probably did unconsciously, but please believe it was never my intention. I think you're a great guy, you're actually a truly wonderful man, but…."

"….but you're still in love with…..whoever this other guy is." He finished for her with a hint of bitterness to his tone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bracing herself for the rest of the conversation to turn ugly.

"I care about you. I really do."

"It's not necessary." He said in a slightly biting tone. "I blame myself actually. Maybe it was my ego telling me that I could make you forget about whoever it was. Maybe I had to prove it to myself." He looked at her and she felt herself harden a little at his comment. She moved to pull her hand away, but he held onto it.

"Or…maybe I was really attracted to you, and genuinely wanted to get to know you. Maybe I thought that you were a really special woman, one of a kind and I just wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone like you."

She thought about what to say, but came up short.

"I kind of expected this, really. But I guess it'd be wrong to be angry with you. After all, the heart wants what it wants. Right?"

Twenty minutes later Carter hit the ground floor of the building with tears in her eyes. Her conversation with Martin had been as uncomfortable and as awkward as she expected it to be, but she was glad that it was over. All she wanted to do now was get back home. Actually what she wanted to do right now at this very minute, was to talk to Reese. Besides a voice message he left last night while she was asleep, she hadn't heard from him for the better part of two days. At least he had let her know that he was alright. She called his cell phone, but he didn't pick up.

A call from him right now though would truly do her some good.

She decided to stop to get lunch on her way home.

A few hours after eating and unpacking the last few boxes, she got a call from Reese. The current case he was working on was a complicated one, rather delicate and he hadn't had any free time to call her until now. He sounded tired, a little worn out and she wondered when he'd last had time to sleep.

"Please tell me you've had some time to rest." She said.

"I'll rest soon. I'm about finished here, so it won't be long before I see you."

"Where are you?"

"Right now? Long Island. But not for much longer."

"What's going on, John? Do you need some help?"

There was a smile in his voice when he answered. "I do, but I'm getting help. Finch is here and Fusco's on his way. You just focus on taking care of the house."

"But…" there were muffled voices in the background and what sounded like a woman crying.

"Sorry, Joss. I gotta go. I'll see you soon."

O0o0o

The next few hours for Reese passed by in a blur. At the end of it he'd help to rescue two kidnapped daughters and reunited them with their parents. Fusco along with one of his old partners took out the kidnappers and retrieved the ransom money. The family was a high profile one so coverage of the criminals' apprehension made the news.

He slipped out of sight just as the camera crews arrived and smiled as Fusco fielded questions from reporters.

"Good job, Lionel." He said to himself and got into his car to start the drive back to New York City. It was late Saturday night and all he wanted to do was get home and see Carter. He missed her so much, and the feelings for her that he'd purposely pushed to the back of his mind so he could focus on the new numbers came rushing back suddenly.

At the end of the drive he went back to the library to check on Bear, made sure he ate and played with him for a bit. The animal, sensing that his master was tired, wasn't too rambunctious and pushy for play this time. Instead he stay curled up with him for a while as he talked with Finch about the Andersons, the family they'd just helped.

"You look tired, Mr. Reese. You should take a day or two off." Said Finch, turning his chair in Reese's direction.

"No new numbers Harold?" He asked rubbing his hands over his face.

"None. But I'm sure Fusco can give us a hand if we get one. Go on. It's time to call it a night."

He took Finch's advice and checked his watch. It was already past midnight. He questioned the wisdom in going to Carter's house. He didn't want to wake her if she was asleep, but his urge to see her won out in the end.

When he got to the house, the porch lights were on, but inside was dark. He pulled into the driveway, shut off the engine and dialed her number.

She didn't answer right away, and he was about to hang up when he heard her voice. It was so soft, he could barely hear her.

"I woke you."

"John?"

"It's me." He answered. Her voice was like a warm blanket thrown over him.

"Where are you? Are you okay?" She asked and he could hear her moving around in bed, probably getting up.

"I'm outside, let me in."

He hung up and a few minutes later he was inside the house and she was in his arms. Her body felt warm, her curves familiar and soft against him. The jasmine was in his nostrils again and her lips on his made him realize just how much he missed her.

"Come on." She said taking his hand and she led him into her room. "You must be tired. You sound tired. You want something to eat? You need a shower?"

He loved the way she fussed over him, took care of him, made sure his needs were met. Everything about it was perfect. She helped him out of his clothes and he took a shower. He spent the rest of the night with her lying on his chest listening to her voice and the sound of her laughter.

He felt as if he'd been away from her forever. It was a torture really, and one he hoped he wouldn't have to endure again. At least not too soon.

"Oh, Joss." He said with his face buried in her neck. "I missed you so much."

O0o0o0o

Taylor got up from his bed in the middle of the night, intending to go to the kitchen to grab a snack. He walked down the hallway and was about to pass his mother's bedroom when he heard voices.

He paused, and held his breath for a moment and listened. He heard muffled conversation and realized that his mother was in there with John. He heard laughter. Her laughter. Whatever it was he said, she found it very funny. Taylor heard him shushing her like a child and he was sure he heard John saying –

"Joss…..you don't want to wake up Taylor do you?" Before he dissolved into a fit of giggles himself.

He shook his head at the two of them and smiled to himself as he continued his walk to the kitchen.

It seemed they were back together and once again his mom was happy. John seemed like he was happy too.

It was about time, Taylor thought as he grabbed an ice cream bar out of the freezer and went back to his room.

O0o0o0o

Morning broke and the sunlight that came through Carter's bedroom woke Reese from sleep. It was almost 7AM and he wanted to leave before Taylor got up. He looked down beside him. Carter was still asleep, her knuckle resting under her chin. She slept in late on the weekends when she had them off. He remembered.

He got dressed quickly, washed his face and brushed his teeth. When he came back in the room, she lifted her head up off the pillow. He planted a few quick kisses to her neck, her bare shoulder.

"I'll see you later, Joss. Taylor's gonna be up soon."

"I don't want you to go." She said sleepily pulling on his hand.

"Neither do I. Don't get up. I'll let myself out."

He walked out into the hallway and came face to face with Taylor walking out of the kitchen. They both froze and John was incredibly embarrassed.

"I thought…you'd still be sleeping." He said sheepishly. "I'm sorry Taylor….I don't know what to say…"

The boy put a hand up to stop his horrible attempt at an apology.

"Its okay, John. Really. And I'm glad….about you two." He said and looked briefly at his mother's bedroom door, which opened suddenly.

Carter walked out with an awkward look on her face and cleared her throat.

"Uh, what's going on out here, I heard voices." She said looking back and forth at the two of them.

"Well….I …" started Reese.

"I was just telling John here that next time he doesn't have to rush home right away. It'd be good if he could stay for breakfast sometime." Reese was sure he turned beet red for a second and from the look on Carter's face, he could tell she was mortified. Taylor excused himself and went to his room.

"Oh my God. I don't believe this." She said and came to bury her face in his chest.

"Am I imagining things or did your son just give us his stamp of approval?"

She giggled and squeezed his arm. "Get outta here before I die of embarrassment."

"I'll call you later."

"Promise?"

"I do."

"Give me kisses."

O0o0o0o

Carter's feet were up and she was relaxing on her mom's sofa in the den later that evening. Instead of cooking, she and Taylor had gone over to her mother's house for dinner and to spend some time with her there.

Her mother brought her a slice of homemade apple pie with a dollop of vanilla ice cream. She started to push it away, but her mother insisted she take it.

"Mom, are you trying to stuff me? I can barely move because of that big dinner."

"Oh shush Jocelyn. Just relax and enjoy one of the simpler pleasures in life."

She bit into it, closing her eyes and made the hmmm sound that she did whenever she bit into something sweet.

"This is soooooooooo good, mom."

"I know it is. You know what would make it better though?"

"Tell me what."

"If Donna was here."

Carter nodded her head. She agreed. She really missed Donna. She hadn't spoken to her since right before the move. It was time to call her again. They needed to plan a trip. They had so much to catch up on. Either she was going to have to go to Boston, or Donna was going to have to come to New York.

"Apple pie was daddy's favourite." She said.

"Yes it was. And he used to like to come here in the den after dinner and have his apple pie with vanilla ice cream just like you do. I miss my man." She glanced at the wistful look on her mother's face. "I really do miss him, especially on days like this."

"Like what?"

"Days when my family's all around me. It's like I can still feel him in the room."

She knew exactly what that meant now. It's how she sometimes felt about John. "I miss him too mom. I miss him too."

O0o0o0o

Reese spent the rest of Sunday morning and afternoon sleeping. As soon as he got home, he stripped off his clothes and went straight to bed.

He got up around 5pm and showered before putting on some jeans and a polo shirt. He made his way down to _**Murray's**_ a family restaurant a few blocks from his place and ordered takeout before going back home.

He sat on the couch, opening up the bags and took out the containers. It smelled so good. _**Murray's**_ had a reputation for being one of the best in the neighbourhood. It's what he craved right now. The salad, steak, bread and potatoes all hit the spot and he felt satisfied after it was all gone and the containers were in the trash. He washed his hands, got a beer out of the fridge and put his feet up on the sofa and cut on the TV.

He put the bottle to his head taking a long pull and found a documentary on the latest Navy Seal training. He watched it for about an hour or so, but his mind was elsewhere. He thought of Carter as another hour went by, wondering what she and Taylor were up to. He longed to see her again.

Finch had told him to take a few days off and he wasn't planning to, but he remembered that Carter had another week home. A day alone with her with no interruptions seemed like a perfect idea the more he thought about it.

He wanted to take her out, for a meal, maybe a movie. Maybe they could spend some time with Bear in the park.

_Just like a real family._

The thought came into his mind suddenly and before he realized it, he was smiling.

"Just like a real family." He said aloud.

He heard a knock on the door and got up walking over to it. He opened it slowly and saw Carter standing in front of him, an overnight bag in her hand. She was a welcome sight.

"Want some company?" She asked quietly. The look on her face was unsure, hesitant even, but he swung the door open letting her inside.

"Of course." He said as she came in. He realized that this was the first time she'd been back since the night Finch had sent her over. Prior to that, she hadn't been back since he'd told her to leave. He figured she had just cause for being a little nervous.

"I was thinking of coming to see you later." He said as she looked around awkwardly.

"Great minds think alike?" She asked, with an uneasy laugh.

"What's this?" He asked pointing to the bag and she dropped it to the ground.

"This? Well I brought some of my things over. You know, a few clothes, some underwear; there may even be an extra toothbrush in there somewhere too. I figured I would leave those things here and this time…..you won't have a problem with it and you won't freak out about it either."

"Is that so?" He said trying not to smile as she started to slowly unbutton her shirt.

"Yes." She said nodding as her shirt came off and she let it drop to the ground. "And when I leave, I figured I'd take a few of your things with me, you know so I could keep them at my place so you'd have something to wear when you stay over."

She took off her shoes, and shortly after her pants followed until she was standing up in front of him in only her underwear.

"And this…?" He asked taking in the sight of her.

"Well it's been a very busy week. I've been trying to take care of the house. You've been tied up with work. The only time you've been next to me is when we were both exhausted."

She shrugged and he walked up to her sliding his hands, first around her waist, then over her hips and thighs.

"Please, keep going." He said as his lips found her neck.

"I just think if we're going to try this getting back together thing…" she paused as his tongue moved over her mouth. "…..we should really consummate it." She wrapped her arms around his neck as he picked her up and she stuck her tongue deep inside his mouth, tasting the inside. She bucked against the bulge in his pants.

"That's what you thought?" He whispered.

"Mmmm hmmm…." She responded and she looked at him biting her bottom lip between her teeth. "Make love to me John."


	12. Chapter 12

It was morning. They got up about an hour ago after a whole night of lovemaking.

Carter walked out of the kitchen with two plates in her hand and saw that Reese was in the spot he was in when she started making breakfast ten minutes ago. He didn't turn around when she sat on the couch and put the plates down; he didn't make a move to indicate that she joined him in the living room area.

She walked over to him and put her arms around his waist and he put his hands up resting them over hers.

She planted a soft kiss to his bare back and rested her cheek against it.

"You've been standing at this window for the last few minutes, you planning on moving anytime soon?"

"It's about to rain." He said and pulled her around to stand next to him. He slid an arm around her shoulder.

She gazed outside the window and sure enough as soon as he said it, a heavy downpour started to fall.

"Gee, now that came outta nowhere really."

"I know. I had the whole day planned. I wanted to take you out, spend a day in the city with you." He said looking down at her finally.

"Awww….that's sweet. But I can think of worse things than being stuck inside here with you. Come on; get something to eat before your breakfast gets cold." She held his hand leading him over to the couch.

They sat together for a bit and she smiled as she watched him eat. They were comfortable again, falling into the same patterns as before. She missed being here with him, being in his space, spending time with him. It was such a contrast to her place, the old and new one.

At her place there was always activity, whether it was the TV, the three of them playing video games or having dinner. When she was here, they could be quiet together. They could relax, sleep, sit and eat like nothing else in the world existed.

Sometimes they could get loud when he decided that he wanted to do certain things to her body, like he did last night. She felt a tremor flow through her remembering his lips and his hands and where they were. She missed their lovemaking. She missed the connection they had when they were together.

She was happy to have reveled it in just hours ago. Her body was still feeling the effects of his expert touch, his kisses and they way he moved inside her. Her limbs were tired, she was a little sore when she walked, but she felt utterly satisfied.

This was her man. She was his woman. Things had been different this time. She felt it. She felt that there had been a shift. There had been a change and it was for the better.

"What're you thinking about over there?" He asked seeing the little smile on her face.

"You." She said raising the cup of coffee to her mouth, finishing it.

Empty plates were on the coffee table, her feet were in his lap, its usual spot when they were on the couch together and his hands were idly running up and down her calves and feet.

"I'm so happy you're here Joss, with me, starting over."

"I'm happy to be here."

"I know that I may not be the best choice for you, I know Thompson might be the better man, he's stable, he's got a normal job, you'd never be in danger with him. I hope you're not feeling like you made the wrong choice."

She shook her head still surprised that he didn't get it.

"I never needed you to be perfect. I knew who you were a long time ago. Martin _is_ a good man. But this isn't about what's the better choice, John. It's about who's right for me. If I was with him and still thinking about you the whole time, I don't think he was the better choice."

She sat up and crawled into his lap putting her arms around his neck.

"But you know, if you want me to change my mind, I can give him a call." She shrugged.

"Don't you dare."

"You know, just be sure, cause I still got him on speed dial."

"Don't make me confiscate your phone. I'll do it."

"No you won't."

"Or I'll have to pay old Martin a visit at his place in the Upper West Side. Convince him that he needs to keep his distance."

"You know where he lives?! John please don't tell me you followed that man home."

"Okay, Joss. I won't tell you."

"I don't believe you. For a highly intelligent man, you can be so foolish sometimes."

"It's because, I'm just crazy about _you_ Joss Carter." He said closing his eyes as her hands moved through his hair and over his scalp.

"You know Martin would never have been a problem. You could've just come to me. Instead of looking for Zoe."

His eyes opened abruptly then and she knew their playful mood was temporarily interrupted.

"I'm sorry." She said. But truly she was still a little upset and maybe minutely insecure about the woman. She knew Reese worked with her from time to time. There was the nagging fear that one time or the next they'd end up sleeping together again.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. You have to believe if I could take it all back, I would."

She shrugged. "I know. I know you regret it. I mean technically we were broken up at the time, but….the thought of you with someone else…I felt like it was just _me_ that you didn't want."

"I want you more than anyone, Joss." He said cupping her face in his hands. "Believe that, please."

"I do."

"Zoe's not here. She's not anywhere in our relationship. It's just you and me."

She nodded.

"Although I must say when you sat in that diner and told me you were going away with Thompson I felt gutted. It felt like you wanted to get revenge on me for Zoe."

She winced. "A part of me did. I won't lie. I wanted you to hurt like I was. I wanted you to know how I felt seeing you two together, her touching you. It was all I could see in my head over and over, the two of you together."

"I felt the same." He said sighing. "Watching you kiss Thompson…..seeing him hold you. It was like a knife twisting inside me."

"You watched us?"

He didn't respond, but looked her dead in the eye.

"You have some serious stalker issues, John. If I didn't know you, I'd be really afraid. You didn't follow us to Philadelphia did you?" She asked looking at him sideways.

"I didn't." He said shaking his head. "But enough talk about Thompson. I don't want to hear his name again." His hands moved to touch her waist and then further up under his shirt that she wore.

"Unh uh." She said as his hands cupped her breasts. "Not so fast."

"What? Are you tired already?" He said nipping at her neck.

"You're not?"

"I never get tired of you. And I never will. Ever. And we have to make up for lost time." Her lips met his and she felt his hand sliding in the back of her neck.

"But you said you had the whole day planned." She murmured against his mouth, touching his face. "Did that happen to include us _not_ having sex?" She smiled.

"As a matter of fact it did." He said smiling back at her. "We were supposed to have lunch, go to the park with Bear and then have dinner later on."

"Well this looks like it's going to last all day." She said looking out the window. "What can we do in here?" She saw him raise his eyebrows and shook her head. "Besides that."

She watched a slow smile spread across his face.

"Let me show you something."

0o0o

Carter got off his lap and he led her down to the closet that held his arsenal. He just realized and couldn't believe that he'd never shown it to her. He held her hand and opened the doors, switching the light on so she could fully appreciate the extensive collection of weapons he had.

He watched her eyes widen as she looked around. Her hand flew to her mouth as she kept uttering his name in disbelief.

"No wonder you could lend me a whole bag of toys. You got plenty to spare." He smiled as she ran her fingers over the KRISS-Vector. Besides the SIG-Sauer he regularly kept at the small of his back, it was one of his favourites.

"I guess I shouldn't ask how you got these either." She said turning to him.

"Still probably best if you didn't." He said.

"Grenades, launchers, assault rifles, and even a sniper rifle. An M82A1…hmmm…" She said and he could hardly contain his excitement when she stood in front of it. A woman who knew her weaponry? What more could he ask for?

She turned slightly looking over her shoulder. "Can I?" She asked with her hand on it.

"Please." He answered, nodding and she picked it up.

"Hmm…" she said looking through the scope.

_**Woman after my own heart,**_ he thought.

"_Light Fifty."_ She said sarcastically.

"They call it that because…"

"…..because of the chambering I know. But there's nothing light about this baby. She's a little heavy for me, but I guess it's just right for you." She handed it to him and he put it back in its place on the wall.

"If you have that, I guess you were in Desert Storm. Had to be. Right?" She asked and her eyes lit up.

"Spent some time in Kuwait, yeah." He said and she smiled turning around to look at the rest of his collection.

"Very impressive John. Even though I cringe thinking about you using some of these here in New York. I'm going to have to develop amnesia about a few of them."

He planted a kiss to the side of her face.

"Well come on, show me the rest. Which one's your favourite?"

He spent another hour or so showing her his arsenal and she handled a few more pieces. Later, they started to talk about her tours in Afghanistan and Iraq, why she enlisted and how she became an interrogator. It was good to have someone to talk to about what it was like over there. Not many people outside of the military could truly understand or empathize. Still she hadn't seen what he had working with the CIA. She hadn't done the things he'd done.

If she'd ever seen combat, it was nothing like the intimate killing of someone you looked in the eye when you took their last breath, whether quickly or slowly. It took away a piece of your soul, bit by bit.

They were sitting on the couch. It was mid afternoon now and the constant downpour outside was turning into a slow drizzle. They were side by side, both quiet, pensive and she seemed to sense his thoughts. She reached in between them to hold his hand, linking her fingers with his. Almost like she was prepping him for what she was about to ask.

"Tell me about the CIA, John." He took a deep breath and he decided to just let the words flow. He told her how he was recruited, his training, missions and eventually how he'd been assigned to work with Kara. As soon as he started to talk about her, he felt her grip on his hand tighten, and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

She asked him about their work together and though he was scared he would frighten her with the tales of some of the things he'd done, she simply sat and listened. She didn't cringe or shrink away from him, but whenever he spoke about something he felt ashamed of doing she would rub his arm, touch his face and he felt more and more comfortable opening up to her.

She was quiet afterwards, and he sat up to look down at her after a while.

"Does this change what you think of me?"

"Yes it does." She said after a minute.

He knew it. He'd hoped against it, but he knew she'd view him as a monster.

"I think I understand you more." Her voice was soft, whispery and he could hear a hint of sadness in it. "It takes me back to the first time we met at the precinct. Now I know why you'd sunk so low after losing Jessica. You thought you were some monster because of the things you had to do and she was…you felt like your connection to her was the last good thing about you. After she was gone, you felt like there was nothing left."

"Joss…"

"But you were wrong. They didn't break you; they didn't destroy your soul. They couldn't. And neither could Jessica's death. The goodness inside you is what kept you all along."

He stopped thinking he was good a long time ago, but the look in her eyes as she stared up at him told him that he was wrong. She saw something in him, something that was still worth loving, despite everything that he'd done.

He bent down to kiss her, so overcome with her words and her fierce belief in him. He pulled her closer, placing her on his lap so she could straddle him. She leaned onto his chest and put her arms around his neck. She felt so good in his arms and his hands circled her waist.

She pulled back a little resting her hands on his shoulders.

"I love you."

He pulled her close again, kissing her hard, running his fingers over the flesh at the back of her neck.

"I love you, Joss."

He devoured her lips again, mashing his mouth against hers. He nipped at her bottom lip with his teeth, sucking on it and plunging his tongue into her mouth. He reached under the shirt, skirting his fingers over her back and stomach then cupping her breasts in his hands.

He heard her moan in his ear and she planted kisses on his neck.

She was his and he was hers, long before they ever attempted a relationship, there had been something between them. His personal demons hadn't been able to change that, nor their time apart after he let her go. They were back together and this time he wasn't letting her go.

She unbuttoned the shirt, then let it drop to the floor and he leaned forward taking one of her breasts into his mouth, circling his tongue over her nipple. Her head fell back and he turned his attention to the other giving it equal attention. Her hands moved down over his torso and he drew in a sharp breath as she took him out of his boxer briefs and into her hands, stroking him over and over.

"John…." She breathed his name before she bent down to kiss him again and then he lifted her slowly ever so slowly onto him.

She hissed as she took him, deeper and deeper, and she started to ride him slowly, deeply. He felt every inch of her, every part, every secret place.

"Joss…Joss…Joss…" he pulled her closer with every stroke and her name kept rolling off his tongue.

She put her hands around his neck, her moans coming deep in her throat. She ground on him; her movements over him were like electric currents travelling through his skin. He felt as if she was folding herself over him, drawing him into her, pulling him closer than ever before. He bit into the flesh of her arm, gripping it, digging his fingers into the small of her back.

She quickened her pace and her moans were deeper now. The look on her face was pure ecstasy and he held onto her thrusting up to push himself further.

"Joss you're so damn soft. So damn soft." He got up from the couch with her still in his arms and carried her over to the bed. He raised her legs over his back, digging into her, grounding into her, throwing all of his weight behind his thrusts.

"John you're so deep….." She cried out biting her bottom lip and whimpered in pleasure.

He pounded into her over and over and her head thrashed from side to side. He could feel her walls start to vibrate, hear her groan building in her throat. He felt her fingers dig into the skin of his back and he felt his seed start to shoot from his body.

Another thrust, he sank in deep.

And another. He tensed up as he found his release. He heard her mewling in his ear softly, felt her squeezing him as pleasure rocked her body. She held onto him tightly and collapsed against her chest.

"That was good." She murmured and he laughed.

"Yes it was." He agreed and kissed her neck.

0o0o0o0o

It's 7:15, John. I'm hungry." They'd fallen asleep and now it was evening. It was getting dark outside and it seemed like it was her turn to look broodingly out the window.

"Let's get something to eat then." He was sitting at the edge of the bed, rubbing the back of his neck. The sheet lay haphazardly around his waist and on his lap. "It's not raining anymore. Let's go out."

She walked over to him, stood between his legs and ran her hand over the top of his head.

"What do you feel like eating?" She asked and he looked up at her as his hands ran up and down her thighs.

"I can tell you what I want to eat, but it's not food."

"John…" she said blushing.

"Go on, get in the shower and get dressed. I know where I want to take you."

"Get something out of my bag for me." She said over her shoulder as scampered off to the bathroom. She spent a while under the hot water, loving the feel of it over her skin. She leaned against the tile wall and closed her eyes for a minute.

"These dark slacks are ok?"

She heard his voice at the bathroom door. She smiled and said yes and her eyes focused on a clear bottle in front of her. She sighed, picking up the bottle of jasmine. He'd obviously bought it in anticipation of her coming there again.

She couldn't help thinking how ironic it was that her things in his place had been what had finally pushed him to drive her way. And now she realized that pieces of her had never left him. He carried her with him all the time.

When she got out of the shower her clothes were laid across the bed and he was loading some of his clothes into the bag she brought with her.

"What are you doing?"

"Just packing a few things to take over to your place like you suggested." He zipped it up as she started to dry off. He stared at her for a minute, his eyes roaming her body.

"Nope." She said. "You better get into the shower before we both get into trouble."

He smirked and did as she asked and forty five minutes later they were leaving the apartment and stepping out into the New York night.

"Where are we going?" She asked looking up at him and they picked up a comfortable stride together.

"There's a new small family owned Italian place near _**Murray's**_. I got some lunch from there the other day. I think we should check it out. It's really cozy, the service was good. A nice couple owns it."

"Sounds good." She said and they walked down the block before hailing a cab. She was confused as he gave the driver her home address once they got in the back seat.

"What about dinner?" She asked quietly.

"Going to pick up Taylor. I called while you were in the shower. I want him to come along." He said so matter of factly, like it was the most natural thing in the world for him. She squeezed his hand as he put his arm around her.

Later, the three of them sat together at _**Rosalie's**_, and he was right. The food was amazing. The owners remembered him from his first visit for lunch and they stood at their table chatting with them for a few minutes. The couple regaled them with a story of how they met and fell in love, how they loved to cook together after they got married and how they fought over whom to name the restaurant after.

Carter laughed at how Reese was told that after his first visit he was a newcomer, his second visit made him a repeat customer, but a third time would make him their special guest. And they treated special guests like family.

Family. That's what she felt like they were this evening. Taylor seemed to idolize John. He hung on his every word at the table. They seemed to be getting along well again and she was glad. Not just for Taylor, but the both of them. Taylor needed a father figure in his life and John needed someone to pour his love into. Despite him not thinking he was good enough, Taylor's affection for him proved otherwise.

The conversation flowed, the food was good and she felt like things were finally turning around.

They got home later and she got undressed and slipped into bed with him. She was glad to be in her new home with the man she loved laying next to her.

She knew they had a long road ahead of them, but this time the path would be a little easier to navigate, she thought.

"You smell so good." He said sniffing the back of her neck, his arm pulling her close.

"John….."

"Hmm?"

"Baby, you're holding me too tight." She said. "Let me go." She said laughing.

"Never. I'm never letting you go again. Come here." She turned round in his arms and lifted her lips to his waiting mouth. His kiss was soft and sweet and everything she wanted right now.

"Then don't." She said pulling his arms around her once more. "Don't ever let me go, John."


	13. Epilogue

Jitters.

She'd never had them before. Not that she could remember right at this minute anyway.

But maybe this wasn't jitters. Maybe it was just her nerves. That could be the only explanation why she was so damn nervous right now. She wondered if she was doing the right thing.

She wondered if they were doing the _smart_ thing.

Carter gazed at herself in the mirror, staring at her reflection for a while. Her makeup was done, subtle but perfect; her hair was loosely curled about her shoulders. Nothing, not even a hair strand was out of place.

She wrapped her arms around herself touching the soft fabric of the robe she was wearing. There were people waiting downstairs including John. All she had to do was get dressed and join them.

But right now she was scared.

There was a knock at the door and she turned in that direction quickly. Maybe if she didn't answer whoever it was would go away. She laughed at the absurdity of the thought. She hung her head down, shaking it and smiling to herself.

The soft knock sounded against the door again.

"Mom, what's taking you so long in there? Are you ready yet?"

Oo0o0o

6 MONTHS EARLIER

The sun was about to set and Carter closed her eyes, feeling the last of its rays play over her skin. She sat on one of the benches in McKenna Park, waiting for John to show up. The weather had changed in the last few days and she was glad to finally be able to be outside and not have to wear a bulky coat. The park was quiet today and save for a few people who had started to gather over by the eastern end, it was deserted.

She sat there as she noted the chairs that were arranged in rows, the flowers at the end of a short aisle and she realized there was going to be a small wedding. She smiled as she saw guests start to appear. She saw pretty dresses, shirts and ties and she beamed at the beautiful arch that was set up at the front where the nuptials would take place.

Music started to play and it took her back to the day of her own wedding. She was so young then, green and definitely not ready for marriage, but she was pregnant and she and David were about to start a family. She remembered holding her bouquet in trembling hands and being nervous as hell when her dad had walked her down the aisle. She remembered the look on David's face when he first glimpsed her coming towards him in the church. His expression had been priceless.

She gasped at the touch of a hand on her shoulder and looked up.

"John. You scared the crap outta me." She laughed as he came round to join her on the bench.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." he said quietly.

"Give me kisses." She said and he bent his head, planting three quick kisses to her cheek.

"I brought Bear." The moment he uttered the words, the sound of paws rapidly approaching suddenly resonated in her ears. The animal came to sit at their feet looking up at the both of them.

"I thought he'd enjoy some time in the park, run around for a bit."

"Hmmm…..good idea. What else did you bring?" She asked looking at the bag he had with him.

"Coffee." He said handing her a Styrofoam cup. "And sandwiches. Did you eat yet?"

"No I haven't. So thank you." She took the turkey on wheat he handed to her and smiled. It had been a year since they'd reconciled and a little over two years to the day of the charity ball. They'd slowly eased into a routine, had grown closer over time and now they were enjoying being an integral part of each other's lives.

"What's going on over here?" He asked as the groom finally walked to the front, his best man beside him. The minister was already there as well and in a matter of minutes the last few seats had filled with a small group of people.

"Someone's tying the knot. Taking the plunge." She said biting into her sandwich. They watched as the music stopped momentarily as a town car pulled up. After another five minutes or so, the bride exited the vehicle and took the arm of an elderly gentleman. His gait was slower than hers, his hair silver. Carter figured it was her grandfather or an older uncle instead of her dad.

Carter couldn't stop the smile that came to her lips as she walked down the aisle or the tears that stung her eyes. Her eyes were glued to the scene and she felt John's hands at the back of her neck, kneading the flesh there. She turned to him then, shrugging.

"I'm silly right?" she said and grinned. "I don't know. Weddings always make me cry."

O0o0o0o

"It's a touching scene. They're a beautiful couple." He replied looking at her while her gaze returned to the scene far off in front of them. She had a wistful look on her face and she reached out to take his hand squeezing it as the couple recited their vows.

In the time since they'd been back together, he finally allowed himself to be happy. He'd been afraid to before. He hadn't believed he deserved it, but now every moment spent with Joss and Taylor impacted his life in such a positive way.

With his line of work, he never dared to dream of family, children, he didn't believe they were in the cards for hm. But slowly his mind changed day by day with every moment spent with them. He couldn't imagine them not being in his life.

It was why he was so hyper vigilant at times, maybe over protective and cautious when it came to them and it was a point of contention between he and Joss. It was the only time they argued, when his worry kicked in and she felt he was being ridiculous.

"I won't apologize for wanting to keep you safe, Joss, or Taylor. It's something you're going to have to get used to."

"I've been taking care of myself and Taylor for years now, John. I'm a cop remember. I didn't suddenly become incompetent when we got into a relationship." She would reply in frustration.

But he wouldn't budge and he didn't plan to. He'd never forgive himself if his work followed him home. It's why he couldn't allow himself to sleep at her house for more than two nights in a row. There were exceptions when they hadn't seen each other for a while because of work or when Taylor was spending time at his grandmother's but otherwise he didn't want their routine to become _too_ routine. Eventually she understood his reasons and accepted them even if she didn't like them.

She meant the world to him and he truly loved her. He looked down at her, with her head leaning on his chest while they both watched the wedding vows wrap up and the groom and bride kissed.

"Marry me, Joss." He said quietly. She stiffened in his arms and she didn't reply. They were both quiet and he waited for her to take it in and realize she wasn't imagining his question.

"If you don't say yes, I'm going to think it's just me you have an aversion to and not the idea of getting married again."

She turned round and faced him.

"John you know it's what I want more than anything."

He was surprised at how disappointed and rejected he was beginning to feel. She picked up on it.

"I'm not rebuffing you. I just don't want you to feel obligated to do this cause I'm turning into a big mess over this wedding over here." Her smile and attempt at levity did not bring him any comfort.

"I didn't ask out of obligation. I asked because I meant it."

"I know, I'm sorry John." Her hands were cupping his face and she kissed him softly.

"Joss, I know things haven't been easy with me….."

"Don't even do that, John. We've gone through a lot, but we're so much better now. No one's settling for anyone, remember?" She kissed him again and he never wanted to let her go.

"I could die tomorrow, next week or next month."

"John….."

"I know you don't like to talk about that, but it's true. But if I only have a few more hours, days or weeks, I don't want to waste any more time. I want you as my wife." He whispered and nipped at her bottom lip. "Say yes."

O00o0o

PRESENT DAY

She'd said yes. And six months later, here they were. There'd been much debate and discussion about what their last name was actually going to _be_, where they would live and what kind of life they would have given what he did for a 'living'. There were arguments and disagreements, but surprisingly without killing one another, they'd been able to come to a compromise.

So why was she so damn nervous now? All she had to do was take her robe off and get into her dress. Everything else was already set. Finch had offered this huge house of his as the venue. The empty dining room was where the ceremony was taking place and a huge tent was set up out back for the meal afterwards. The wedding was very small and beside her and John, there was her mom, her sister, her husband and two boys, Finch, Fusco, Lee and of course Taylor. Not even twelve people, unless you counted Bear.

She smiled. Of course, she had to count Bear.

"Mom! I'm coming in." The door swung open finally and Taylor stepped inside. "What's going on?" He asked. He looked so handsome in his suit and tie and a boutonniere on his lapel. He was so tall.

"I don't know baby. I guess I'm a little nervous."

"You shouldn't be. You look beautiful. And John is waiting. You need to get dressed."

He took her dress down off the hanger and passed it to her. Just then her sister came into the room.

"Joss, what is taking you so long? That man is looking like he thinks you jumped outta the window and left."

"What?"

"I'm telling you he's starting to panic. He's trying to hide it, but I can see he's worried. Come, on. Taylor, you get downstairs and tell him his bride is coming. And Joss let me get you into this dress."

And just like a drill sergeant, Donna gave out orders that everyone obeyed. Taylor disappeared and Donna helped her into the satin strapless mermaid gown she chose and zipped her up in the back. She wasn't wearing white, but opted for ivory instead. The gown clung to her curves and accentuated her bosom. It fit her just perfectly. They stood together before the floor length mirror and Joss felt tears sting her eyes.

"Don't you dare cry, girl, you'll ruin your makeup. If you start, we'll both lose it in here and we'll never make it downstairs."

"I know right." Carter said smiling and looked at herself again. Her fingers trailed over the beading at the waist line and the peplum skirt detail. "This is really happening, Donna. I'm getting married."

"You are beautiful sis. And you deserve this." Donna attached Carter's brooch and veil at the top of her head and handed her the bridal bouquet of tall white lilies. "I'm going back down. Don't forget to follow me."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait." She called after her. "Besides terrified…how does John look?"

"Come downstairs and see."

00o0o0o

She was having second thoughts, John reasoned. It could be the only explanation for her taking this long. He turned around in his chair and looked into the faces of everyone there and he started to panic. He fidgeted with the tie at his neck, feeling like he was about to suffocate.

"John…." He could feel Finch's hand on his shoulder. He turned to him. "Brides are always late. It's expected, really. You shouldn't worry."

"And you're an expert on brides, Harold?" He smiled a little and watched Taylor get up, heading out of the dining room and up the stairs. He was up there a full five minutes, then he saw her sister follow suit.

"What if she's changed her mind?" He asked after they'd both been gone for a while.

"I'm sure she hasn't."

"Maybe I should go up there." He suggested and started to get out of his seat.

"No you shouldn't, John. We're going to sit here and wait."

No sooner had Finch said the words, Donna appeared and sat down beside her mom. She turned to him and gave him the thumbs up with a smile. It was only then that he started to relax a little.

Taylor gave a signal to the minister's assistant who started the music. Reese got up out of his seat and faced the entrance of the dining room and that's when he saw her.

His heart stopped, literally it stopped and everything else froze as she took Taylor's arm and he kissed her on the cheek. He saw her say thank you softly to the boy and she stood rooted to the spot after she locked eyes with him across the room.

His eyes filled with tears as she came towards him and he felt so overwhelmed at the sight of her he put a hand to his mouth. She was absolutely beautiful. More stunning than he'd ever imagined she'd be. When she was finally at his side and he took her hand from Taylor he couldn't help but pull her into his arms to embrace her.

"I love you." he said quietly, and she wiped at his eyes.

"I love you, too." She said.

The ceremony began and they exchanged vows and rings and he didn't take his eyes off her, not once. The minister finally pronounced them husband and wife and told him he could kiss the bride, as if he needed permission. He kissed her tenderly as she put her arms around his neck. Her fingers were soft, gentle and he inhaled the smell of her perfume.

He could hear whistling and cat calling in his ears as he deepened the kiss a little bit more and he savoured the taste of her mouth on his. Their lips finally parted and she laughed putting a hand to her chest. The blush to her cheeks made him smile.

Everyone gathered to congratulate them and they went out back to have their photographs taken.

It seemed surreal to him. He could barely believe they did it, but he was happy. That, above everything else he couldn't deny.

They listened to speeches and kind words and the only time he left her side or let go of her hand was when her mother came over and hugged him and told him to make her baby happy.

"Yes, ma'am." He answered feeling more than a little frightened of Carter's mother. "I don't want to find out what happens if I don't." He smiled at her and scooped up the short woman in his arms. She'd grown fond of him and for that he was glad.

0o0o0o

Hours later after the first dance was over and the meal was done everyone started to leave and they stayed out back under the tent. Joss' veil was discarded on the dinner table beside her bouquet and her heels were off. She sat in John's lap on one of the plush upholstered patio chairs under the tent, her feet dangling on the side of the chair. The cool air coming through surrounded the both of them and he enjoyed the feel of her against him.

"What happens if Harold calls you for help tonight?" She teased.

"Finch should be able to handle it, if not, there's Fusco. I want my wife to myself for a while, at least for tonight." He said kissing her neck.

"That's _Mrs. Warren_ remember? Address me the right way, please." She said bouncing in his lap.

"Oh, I'm sorry, _Mrs. Warren_. That has a nice ring to it. Although I'll admit you had me scared for a moment. I thought you had changed your mind."

"Donna did say that you looked like you thought I ran and escaped through a window." She said laughing. "And yes I was….kinda freaking out a little before I came downstairs." She admitted.

"Why?" He looked at her and she figured now was as good a time as any to break the news.

"I'm pregnant, John."

O00o0o0o

She said the words with tears in her eyes and he could hardly believe it. He was speechless at her revelation, unable to find the words to react to it.

"I'm terrified. I didn't know what you'd think. How you'd react. I wasn't sure you wanted a baby at all. Should we even have a baby? Your work isn't exactly the safest. What about my job? What will Finch think? I mean 12am feedings; I thought that was behind me. Taylor's about to go to college and it's just….."

She listed all of the reasons why it was a bad idea for the both of them to have a baby. And while he couldn't disagree with anything she was saying right now, the moment she'd said the words _I'm pregnant,_ there was nothing he wanted more than for her to have his child. But she was panicking just as much as he was, even more so. He needed to quell her fears, if only for today. It was still their wedding day after all and this frightening and life changing news was also good.

He shushed her with his mouth kissing her hard. He was grateful as he felt her relax against him. The look she gave him as their lips parted was filled with apprehension.

"Does this mean…." She buried her face in the side of his neck and he could feel her lips fluttering against it as she spoke.

"It means you've made me the happiest man in the world twice in one day."

"This just makes things all the more complicated, John." She protested.

"Joss…..I won't lie and say that I'm not concerned about all the ways a baby would affect the already complicated life we've carved out together. There are admittedly going to be a lot of things we'll have to work out. We'll have to be more careful, more cautious. But I've had so much bad news for so long, there's no way I can allow myself to be sad about this, especially not today."

He closed his eyes as her lips grazed the side of his mouth and she put her hand on his face.

"Take me upstairs." She whispered.

"Why? What's up there?" He teased.

"A lot of different surfaces where I want to make love to the father of my child." She said getting out of his lap and pulling on his arm. "Come on, I'll race you." She said lifting the skirt of her dress and running for the door.

Before she could get halfway there, Reese sprinted and scooped her up in his arms and started to carry her inside. She screamed and ordered him to put her down.

"Nope. Not gonna happen. In fact I may carry you around for the duration of your pregnancy."

"You wouldn't dare." She warned, but she kissed him as they got inside. He carried her all the way up the stairs. "Don't use up all your strength before we get started now. I plan to wear you out till morning."

"Is that so, Mrs. Warren?" He asked putting her down when they reached the master suite and started to unbutton his shirt. She spun round and he got her zipper. Minutes later his clothing lay next to hers on one of the sofas in the room.

"I love you, Joss." He said after he pressed her into the mattress and claimed her mouth.

"And I love you, John _Reese_. I mean John _Warren_. I mean John _Anderson_. No, I mean John _Lucas_." He smiled at the last one, his real name.

"I'm going to have you screaming every one of them by morning." He warned as his hands moved over her, travelling between her legs.

"Promise?" She moaned as she felt him touch her so intimately. He didn't have time for an answer. His mouth on hers and his hands all over her was just the assurance she needed.


End file.
